Getting past this stage

Insane00illusions

Insane00illusions

New member
I'm feeling worse and worse, just in general. I live with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years (J), and am still in the talking stage of what I would safely call a 2nd boyfriend, emotionally, only because that is what his wife and really, all of us, are comfortable with right now.

I realized I was poly about 3 years ago, when I was seeing an amazing guy, and also fell for J. At first, my boyfriend said it was okay, then he decided that polyamory was not acceptable for him, and said that I would have to choose. I chose myself, who I knew I was, and we broke up. We've remained friends. We still talk almost daily on IM, although it's been bumpy, and we avoid certain topics.

My problem is that I find myself resenting who I am some days. There are so many things I love about polyamory and forming deep loving connections with other people. Even the idea of one day living with a large polyamorous family just seems right. But 3 years later, I still love and miss my ex. I always beat my head against the same wall-- "I wish he was poly," or, "I wish I wasn't."

I just wanted to put it out there. Has anyone else struggled like this? I know that I would not be happy with someone who wanted to be monogamous, at least not emotionally. But I don't know how to just accept myself and let him go.

I'm sorry if this is disorganized and rambling. Any thoughts or suggestions would help, except telling me to not be his friend. His dad is very ill, and he doesn't have many friends, so it's just not something I could do. :(
 
That is tricky indeed. I myself haven't been through such a situation, as I'm an unpracticed polyamorist. However, from what little I know, I would say for you to remind yourself that polyamory isn't the criminal here. Really, there isn't one. You live a non-monogamous lifestyle because that better fits your views of life, and it didn't fit his, and it created too much of a problem for the two of you to handle being together with. It's just one of those, "It is what it is" situations; no one is really to blame, yourself included.

As far as still loving him-- when we love someone, it's a unique love. When you lose a lover, you lose their love. You miss the love you had with this person, and you may always do so, to some degree. Maybe simply trying to fondly hold those memories, and accepting that these are all you'll have left of the love of this person, instead of missing the person, will help heal things with more time.
 
Two thoughts:

1) I haven't exactly been through the same thing, but I've lost friends over my (lack of) religious beliefs, and I lost someone very close to me because his new girlfriend couldn't handle me being in his life at all, even though he and I had already ended our physical relationship when he started dating her. It sucks and it hurts, but you can't change people. If they can't accept you, there's really nothing you can do. :(

2) How much of a break did you and your ex take before working on being friends? If you still IM every day, it might be time to take a break to get ALL the way over him, so that you can be "just friends" without it hurting you.
 
I know you guys are right. There isn't anyone to blame. It's just something that has happened and I need to dust myself off and move on. We probably should have taken more of a break before trying to be friends, but we both care about each other a great deal. His dad just passed away on Friday, so it would be a bad time to try a friendship break. There is just a part of me that feels like I shouldn't be this upset after over two years. I'm usually a pretty calm girl, not too dramatic or overly emotional, so to keep being this upset, and even crying, is hard. But I know if we were to end up being back together I would feel guilty if I ever had feelings for someone else, which tends to happen and is why I identify with being poly.

Thanks again for listening, guys.
 
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