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chipougar

New member
So my husband and I have been discussing polyamoury and we are in agreement that sure we'll try it with rules and boundaries of course

Well my rule is I wont do anything past flirting until he is also on the scoring side of flirting

But we've run into a problem... he is so shy and thinks he can't flirt or ever get a chick to hook up with him... he can flirt, he does it naturally... he is one of the best openers I have ever met but he cant close

Do you have any suggestions on ways I could boost his confidence and help him get out there?
 
Sounds like you are both "trying too hard." A lot of people here don't go searching for that next partner; they are open to it if it happens naturally.

Additionally, what it sounds like you are describing is polysexual; not polyamory. Polyamory is about developing intimate emotional and often sexual relationships with others. Given your emphasis on sex, not relationships, you are describing something other than polyamory.

Which brings me to my next point. Perhaps your husband doesn't really feel like "closing the deal" without an emotional connection. Some people aren't into casual sex. Everyone is different.
 
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After opening a year ago, all I can tell you is that's probably not going to work. Now I already had a friend I was interested in when we opened, so my spouse was at square one and I was already in "like" with someone. If I had waitied for him to catch up, my boyfriend would still be sitting on the back burner now waiting around for me....or not.

Things just don't happen at the same exact time. You could try dating other couples as a couple, but I don't suggest keeping score. Unfortunately, it seems as a poly woman its easier to meet men than to meet women as a poly man (just our experience). Part of being poly (for us at least) is that we have independent relationships. Now, if J. wasn't ready for me to go on over nights or something, i'd hold off. But once we started we each took things at our own pace.
 
bookbug said:
Sounds like you are both "trying too hard." A lot of people here don't go searching for that next partner; they are open to it if it happens naturally.

Additionally, what it sounds like you are describing is polysexual; not polyamory. Polyamory is about developing intimate emotional and often sexual relationships with others. Given your emphasis on sex, not relationships, you are describing something other than polyamory.

Which brings me to my next point. Perhaps your husband doesn't really feel like "closing the deal" without an emotional connection. Some people aren't into casual sex. Everyone is different.
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Also agree with bookbug. My spouse tried casual sex (I had a poly relationship) he didn't like it and wants what Nudge and I have together with someone else. this is why we are poly and not swingers (not that there is anything wrong wit hthat). If you want t oswing, you could try a club. Nudge and I went once, wasn't our scene but works for some
 
Well, I want a relationship not just casual sex, but my husband is new to our town, we just moved across thw country to the area where I grew up and doesn't know anyone... so its like Joining the dating scene all over again. I actually have a friend that I would like to ask out, but my husband doesnt have that network here and idk where to start... meeting people is much harder the older you get
 
My husband is more like 'polysexual'. But he says he would like a relationship like my lover and I have. I was already very close to my secondary when my husband brought up the arrangement and I went for it. He however had nothing brewing and it has been hard for him to see us growing while he stays stagnant.

Just staying open is good, encourage him to get out on his own and meet people.

My husband and I use to 'swing' and it caused too many issues so I refuse to be involved sexually with him and someone else at once. However I am open to giving my 'permission' to anyone who may be unsure about getting involved with a married man.

You just have to work with your personalities and see what seems to work.
 
Nate has had good luck just being online friends with people then letting it naturally progress to a flirtation.
 
Nate has had way more partners than me. I went on some dates but it seems like im only attracted to monogamous people lol
 
Try Tinder or OkCupid or PlentyOfFish apps on your phone. You can get some flirtation going like that and progress to texts and then do a date.

You'll be waiting for a long time if you're constantly wanting things to be equal. Yes, it is easier when you both have someone new, but it's just not going to happen all the time unless you both get a steady long-term partner at exactly the same time.

If you're both really poly, it shouldn't matter...and the feelings of being alone will have to be addressed sometime.
 
Chipougar,

Since you posted on the forum, i am guessing you are the one that initiated the conversation with your husband about some sort on polyamorous or non monogamous relationship. You mentioned rules and boundaries but only stated one in that you would not go beyond flirting until he catches up, but apparantly from your second post you already have someone you are interested in.
I would suggest to you that you and your husband have a real serious conversation regarding all of your rules and boundaries, and have a discussion of a Plan B that involves renegotiating these things if everything does not go according to your plans and expectations. You are getting into complicated territory, especially if your husband is just going along with this to make you happy.
As far as catching up, that is probably never going to happen. No matter how you two decide to go about meeting other people, you are going to have an infinite amount of more options than he is simply because you are e female. You will encounter fewer men who will not want to have sex with you or pursue you because you are married, whereas your husband will have a much more difficult time finding girls who want to date or become knowingly intimate with a married man. If you go online, you will be bombarded with offers, and he will struggle. If you go to clubs, you will have guys chasing you and he will also have a more difficult time, no matter whether his "game" is good or not. Just try going our separately and seeing if you can meet someone to go homne with or date and see how many more options you have 99% of the time.
All of this is OK, if your husband understands completely what he is getting into and can accept or learn to accept that eventually you are going to start to date and probably have sex and he may or may not be just watching all of this happen. Of course there are exceptions to what I have described, and i am guessing other posters may tell you that none of that matters, but this is between you and your husband and in the long term if the two of you are not totally on the same page this experience of opening up your marraige is going to be a negative experience, which possibly disasterous consequences.
Good luck to you.
 
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