Right. So, this is my first time ever posting in a forum like this but I could really use some advise.
Last month my boyfriend K told me that he wanted to try exploring polyamory because he realized his feelings for another girl, S. Well, what he actually told me was that he'd finally realized how he felt about me, and he did so by admitting his feelings for her. K and I have been in a relationship for just under 6 months. We met under very unique and trying circumstances but we managed to make it work. He is quite honestly the most amazing person I have ever met in my life.
When he actually brought up the term polyamory I was honestly shocked. Mostly because I did not expect him to know it (he hadn't, he'd spent a lot of term researching on his own). I was genuinely proud of him for doing such soul searching and admitting this to himself. That said . . . I don't know if this is something I can give him.
I want to, very badly. It's not a matter of trying to hold on to him, or make sure that he's mine; I don't feel like I own him anymore than he owns me. Of the two of us I was always far more open to alt sexualities and relationships, so the fact that I am the one with the blocks on this is really frustrating for me.
It might be easier if I just summarize the story of what's happened: about two weeks before K told me he wanted to explore polyamory he told me he wasn't sure what he felt for me, that we were moving way to fast, and that we should put some distance between us. This was when he said we should try an "open relationship". I cried but agreed, because at some level I really thought it could help. I knew how I felt about him so I wanted to help him figure out his own feelings.
At this point I knew how he felt about S. I knew the reason for wanting an open relationship was so that he could sleep with her and try and "get it out of his system", as it were. He never did. He knew how much it would have killed me.
Fastforward two weeks and he's telling me. I went into counsellor mode, detached myself from the situation and just tried to assure him that I was still with him, thank you for being honest with me, and at some point soon you should tell S if this is something you really want. He told her the next night, which honestly felt like a slap in the face. I get a day to accept this?
We tried for about three weeks. And by tried I mean they grew while I read every website and blog post I could, talked to every poly friend I had (quite a few, actually), and tried to rationalize my feelings. Things broke down because of me being unable my feelings of worthlessness.
In the end I had to tell him that I was planning on leaving him as soon as I was sure that his relationship with S was there to support him. He chose me instead. That should have made me feel happy. I had my boyfriend. All it really did was make me feel like I denied my boyfriend his happiness while at the same time hurting a girl I really liked.
We've become a lot closer since then but he's still pushing for a poly future. And as much as he assures we that we will go slowly, that it is our relationship that he truly wants, he still wants a relationship with S and she with him.
I want to be there to see the person I love grow and find himself. So I could really use some help on what steps to take or where to go. I feel so lost.
Last month my boyfriend K told me that he wanted to try exploring polyamory because he realized his feelings for another girl, S. Well, what he actually told me was that he'd finally realized how he felt about me, and he did so by admitting his feelings for her. K and I have been in a relationship for just under 6 months. We met under very unique and trying circumstances but we managed to make it work. He is quite honestly the most amazing person I have ever met in my life.
When he actually brought up the term polyamory I was honestly shocked. Mostly because I did not expect him to know it (he hadn't, he'd spent a lot of term researching on his own). I was genuinely proud of him for doing such soul searching and admitting this to himself. That said . . . I don't know if this is something I can give him.
I want to, very badly. It's not a matter of trying to hold on to him, or make sure that he's mine; I don't feel like I own him anymore than he owns me. Of the two of us I was always far more open to alt sexualities and relationships, so the fact that I am the one with the blocks on this is really frustrating for me.
It might be easier if I just summarize the story of what's happened: about two weeks before K told me he wanted to explore polyamory he told me he wasn't sure what he felt for me, that we were moving way to fast, and that we should put some distance between us. This was when he said we should try an "open relationship". I cried but agreed, because at some level I really thought it could help. I knew how I felt about him so I wanted to help him figure out his own feelings.
At this point I knew how he felt about S. I knew the reason for wanting an open relationship was so that he could sleep with her and try and "get it out of his system", as it were. He never did. He knew how much it would have killed me.
Fastforward two weeks and he's telling me. I went into counsellor mode, detached myself from the situation and just tried to assure him that I was still with him, thank you for being honest with me, and at some point soon you should tell S if this is something you really want. He told her the next night, which honestly felt like a slap in the face. I get a day to accept this?
We tried for about three weeks. And by tried I mean they grew while I read every website and blog post I could, talked to every poly friend I had (quite a few, actually), and tried to rationalize my feelings. Things broke down because of me being unable my feelings of worthlessness.
In the end I had to tell him that I was planning on leaving him as soon as I was sure that his relationship with S was there to support him. He chose me instead. That should have made me feel happy. I had my boyfriend. All it really did was make me feel like I denied my boyfriend his happiness while at the same time hurting a girl I really liked.
We've become a lot closer since then but he's still pushing for a poly future. And as much as he assures we that we will go slowly, that it is our relationship that he truly wants, he still wants a relationship with S and she with him.
I want to be there to see the person I love grow and find himself. So I could really use some help on what steps to take or where to go. I feel so lost.
