going in to poly

DalekWars85

DalekWars85

New member
So my fiance recently told me she was poly, and that she wanted to explore that side of her self. So at first I had a bad reaction then I thought about it and said I would be willing to explore the lifestyle with her, but I was curious why she just now after two years brought this up to me. She informed me that she doesn't feel that she can completely share all her emotions with me and that while we have a very intimate and fulfilling sexual life that for her to feel completely fulfilled she needs both emotional and sexual needs fulfilled. Which I completely understand but I feel like bringing another person in to our life just to fill a hole in our relationship is not the best thing. Personally I believe that if you are going to pursue a lifstyle like polyamory your current relationship should be strong. Thats just my opinion though. So I was curious if people usually follow a polyamorous life to have a void filled that their current partner isnt fillng or is going in to polyamory when you arent already a strong couple a bad idea
 
My thoughts on poly for me and my wife.

1) Is not about filling a void is about being open to loving more than one person. If you look to others to fill a void you will always be missing something.

2) Trust and honesty is huge. Love does not equal hope alone. Love + Truth = Hope. You both have to be on the same page and understand the desires of everyone involved.

3) What are you happy with? Poly is not for everyone just like being strait or bi or gay is not for everyone. Everyone has to answer the question "Am I happy with my relationship/s I am in?" If the answer is yes then simply be happy. If no then make changes and be reasonable with expectations.

Hope that helps.
 
First I want to ask: Why would you think that her being poly means "bringing another person in to our life?" She might simply want more than one relationship, which doesn't automatically equate to"bringing in" someone to be a part of her relationship with you.
 
Thank you Lostatsea that does help, and Nycindie I just figured that bringing another person in to her life would possibly change the life we have right now for better or worse I don't know, but that's what I meant when I said "bringing another person in to our life". I dont' believe that I would be participating in any way with their relationship.
 
I just posed about my first poly relationship. You should read it. It sounds like she may be getting married for the wrong reasons. To truly be happy, you need that emotional connection. You need to truly understand each other on the deepest level possible.
 
I agree that your relationship should be strong and without any serious voids or issues before entering poly. Adding someone else to your relationship is risky if she feels she has an issue trusting you with her emotions. I am six months into a vee with a married man as the hinge. His wife explained why they're poly as having so much love that it couldn't be contained between just the two of them. But they have been together over two decades and have a very strong relationship. Even so, poly can bring up issues. You need to be transparent, and really good at communicating, to have a chance at making it work.
 
Well that kind of cements my resolve I think I should sit down with her and talk about that cincern with her
 
First, is your fiancee looking for someone to complete her or complement her? There is a difference. I hate when people say someone completes them and makes them whole. Part of me wants to say, "Cupcake, you should have been whole from the jump."

Second, if she is emotionally unfulfilled with your relationship, why is she not trying to remedy that with you? Generally speaking, some people prefer not to be people's void fillers. Is she truly happy in the relationship with you? This needs to be talked about before the "I" and "do." She has issues with trusting you with her emotions, which means she is holding back. The question is...why? Marital problems that start in the dating and engagement stages usually do not fade away. They can fester and lead to resentment, arguments, and frustrations down the line. I definitely would suggest talking to her and finding out where the distrust regarding her emotions is stemming from.

It is a bad choice to open a relationship when it is not strong. To put it simply, expect the unexpected. You can discuss all you want, but until you are in a situation, you have no idea how you will react. You cannot plan for cowgirls/cowboys, cheating partners, break-ups/having to be the shoulder to cry on, sleeping alone, the effects of dopamine infused thoughts--err NRE, etc. Poly has that lovely capability of highlighting all the flaws in the original relationship. Any cracks will be exposed. Communication needs to be up to par. There are couples who spend months to years preparing to open up. It is best to be on the stronger end. If there are already emotional fulfilment issues, trust issues, jealousy issues, or anything that is unhealthy, poly will magnify it.

From the beginning, I only got into poly because I fell in love with someone who had a boyfriend. I dated a couple of others because I was young and finding myself. I have never felt incomplete, so no voids needed to be filled. When I met my husband, I could have committed to a mono life with him and never needed or wanted for a thing. I met my ex in a chance encounter, but I never felt like I just had to be with her. Over the course of the past year, it has just been DH and myself. Even if I had an interest in dating, our marriage is still in the stages of recovery and rebuilding, so this would be the wrong time.
 
Thank you all for the advice it was very helpful I appreciate every one responding and giving such useful info
 
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