Goodbyes feeling really bad

1

1234567

Member
Anyone moved a ton of times as a kid, and also have a really hard time with some aspect of goodbyes?

I’m struggling a lot when I have to say goodbye to a lot of partners in a row- especially if I’m with one for a long time, then have shorted dates with one or more,
So there are 2-3 goodbyes in a 1-2 day period.

It feels a lot like the dread of moving as a kid, and the feelings of loss after.

I suspect that’s being triggered.

It helps if I know when I’m seeing someone next.

It’s worse if for reasons that may or may not have legitimacy, it’s not a good idea to contact my partner to say goodnight.

It’s worse if I’ve had to tiptoe around jealousy so am not sure if I could reach out if needed, or even leave a goodnight message for contact on my end.

Or I’m with a partner who I am close with when together, but don’r Tend to exist much when apart

I’m by circumstance, not preference, living a bit of a solo poly lifestyle.

I would really like to get a handle on this- it makes some of poly miserable, and I often wonder if I would be better mono, where you don’t have to go through periods of no contact.

I don’t feel it appropriate to ask my partner’s to carry the burden of my baggage..

But because of that reluctance, I’m not sure what IS fair to ask. Or what situations I should seek and avoid- because if I avoid situations where I have
To feel the pain, am I just masking the problem?

Insights appreciated.
 
I just can't do goodbyes. It doesn't work out for me. Obviously, if a relationship went badly then no contact is easy, but if I care about someone I just can't give it up.

I was engaged to my ex many years ago, and I was the one who terminated the romantic relationship. Over a decade later, I still can't let go, and I even moved to a different area partly because he had settled there. We're still good friends, maybe more again someday soon. Goodbye just never worked.

What in life is forcing you to say goodbye?
 
Not long term goodbyes.

The ending of time together- goodbyes for now, but especially with no knowledge of when I can see my partner again, and especially if I feel or know I cannot keep contact going by texting goodnights, good mornings, or standard contact thingsblike “got home safely” without a reasonable assumption that their partner would object. (Which perhaps should be theirs to work out, but I also donMr want to be the intruder.)
 
1234567 said:
Not long term goodbyes.

The ending of time together- goodbyes for now, but especially with no knowledge of when I can see my partner again, and especially if I feel or know I cannot keep contact going by texting goodnights, good mornings, or standard contact thingsblike “got home safely” without a reasonable assumption that their partner would object. (Which perhaps should be theirs to work out, but I also donMr want to be the intruder.)
Click to expand...

That would be bothersome, but if it isn't intended to be a permanent goodbye, I think you could make the situation work for you. I lived with this while my ex was married to a woman who hated me. We couldn't talk, we lived hundreds of miles apart, and it hurt. Contact was sporadic. I practically did handsprings when they got divorced!

Ultimately, you can't control other people, only yourself. Make your feelings known, and let the chips fall where they may.
 
I wrote the following before seeing your reply, but think we both thought letting the chips fall was a good idea, so maybe that is the thing to do.


—————-

I’m starting to think that maybe I should just do the things that I feel normal secure people do in mono or poly- say goodnight, send “I’m home safely and it was good to see you” texts, say, “Hey, I’m missing you sorely and it would help to know when I can see you which we forgot to do- when you can, let’s work out when we can we get together next” -knowing I may not get a response and being okay with that- and not worry so much about the reaction. My partner who has a new-to-poly partner knows they have my blessing to delay a response or preemptively turn my conversation on silent if needed to be the partner they need to with the new one, and I suspect that the new partner may eventually appreciate the inclusion of this in the culture when they feel lonely and want to reach out briefly.

There are many times when it is appropriate not to reach out at all because of special occasion, or partner needs. And I tend to err on the side of caution there. And know my new meta does. And don’t feel bad about that being the case at all.

But maybe we don’t need to be superhuman? Maybe it’s okay to write, not expecting a response, and be compassionate to ourselves by not needlessly severing connection from our end on every occasion.

This is so tricky, because I don’t want to be intrusive. But I suspect that I’m severing a connection way more often and severely than needed or my partner wants. And probably catering to my meta’s needs over my own, rather than leaving it up to my partner to figure out how she wants to handle two different connection styles.

And getting to do normal partner things like text would make all the difference to me in the world with time apart.
 
You have been painfully restricting communication from your end without this even being requested by your partner? It sounds as though a discussion is overdue so you can each make the other aware of your feelings.

How do you make plans for meeting if you can't reach out?

Leetah
 
I think I’ve been painfully restricting access unbidden all over the place as a general pattern. And just noticed it when you pointed it out.

I think this particular set of relationships mimics a family of origen patten, which means I’m high on tolerance, and low on resilience with it. But now I know that is there, I can work on both ends.

We only plan when my partner is not with her other partner. Which is okay, generally, but because it seems to be a rule, not a rule of thumb, can also turn into “I can’t meet a reasonable need with you because I’m afraid of settings iff my partner’s insecurities.”

I think I need to ask for less rules, more rules of thumb.
 
1234567 said:
Anyone moved a ton of times as a kid, and also have a really hard time with some aspect of goodbyes?

I’m struggling a lot when I have to say goodbye to a lot of partners in a row- especially if I’m with one for a long time, then have shorted dates with one or more,
So there are 2-3 goodbyes in a 1-2 day period.

It feels a lot like the dread of moving as a kid, and the feelings of loss after.

I suspect that’s being triggered.

It helps if I know when I’m seeing someone next.

It’s worse if for reasons that may or may not have legitimacy, it’s not a good idea to contact my partner to say goodnight.

It’s worse if I’ve had to tiptoe around jealousy so am not sure if I could reach out if needed, or even leave a goodnight message for contact on my end.

Or I’m with a partner who I am close with when together, but don’r Tend to exist much when apart

I’m by circumstance, not preference, living a bit of a solo poly lifestyle.

I would really like to get a handle on this- it makes some of poly miserable, and I often wonder if I would be better mono, where you don’t have to go through periods of no contact.

I don’t feel it appropriate to ask my partner’s to carry the burden of my baggage..

But because of that reluctance, I’m not sure what IS fair to ask. Or what situations I should seek and avoid- because if I avoid situations where I have
To feel the pain, am I just masking the problem?

Insights appreciated.
Click to expand...

I'd say you're overthinking it too much. These are little things that after establishing a relationship where you've gotten to know each other, you can have faith in one another that these little details aren't necessary all the time and that things are going to be just fine until you connect next, and if they're not, then you can trust each other to get in touch.
 
Hi 1234567,

It sounds like the thing to do is, go ahead and text your partner, even if she's with her other partner. As long as you don't text in an intrusive way, you should be fine.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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