Quietfever
New member
Greetings, folks.
I have up to now been completely monogamous. I tend to be a person who goes a long time between relationships because I am a "difficult match"... have a lot of rare viewpoints/interests. It seems these are most often shared in the poly community. I am a "geek" and pagan and for people who are in the geek/fan community, then you know how much this is a "culture" of its own and that relationships between geeks and non geeks can often be difficult; there is a huge cultural divide. The problem is, I am a lesbian and lesbian geeks are very rare. I am also not really involved in "the lesbian community" and almost never meet lesbian women, let alone befriend any. They just never cross my path, ever. I am considering poly... because bisexual married women geeks are NOT rare. As long as I'm willing to get my companionship needs met by more than one person, perhaps I don't need to fear spending the rest of my life alone.
One reason I might consider poly is that despite being lesbian, I have had deep friendships with men that have been kind of "blurry"; we love each other very much, there is just no sex. My lesbian partners have always resented the presence of these men in my life.
The thing is that I want to share my life and household with someone, but the people who tend to be interested in me - almost exclusively - tend to be polyamorous people who already have a primary partner and are married to that person. I am starting to develop a complex that I am not good enough to be anyone's primary partner. I want to share a house and finances and responsibilities with someone and for all intents and purposes be "married".
I have considered whether I should be open to poly. In my relationships, I always feel that the very deep friendships always take a severe backseat and in each case, they've ended up being damaged irrevocably. I'm now completely alone because of the social damage done by my last monogamous relationship. She could not handle how "blurry" my friendships were, even though it seemed to me like her best friend relationship with her ex was itself very "blurry". There was a long time that I preferred to have platonic friends to even having lovers because the "lover" model with which I was familiar, seemed to take from my life, not add to it.
At the same time, I don't think I want to be in a relationship as a "secondary" right now... then again I am a full time student, living at home again at 38 (the living home with a mind reading Jewish mother who is socially very traditional, may make it difficult anyway; it actually makes it difficult to even date) and have little income, and maybe it will give me time to pull my act together until I am ready to be primary with someone (and perhaps I'll still be with the secondary partner when I do meet a primary partner)?
I find that poly people judge me less, all the same. In my experience with monogamous people I feel like they are measuring me up to see how "perfect" I am. Married bisexual women put fewer trips on me than single lesbian women, who seem to feel I'm not "together" enough and seem to be looking for someone to have children with. The married bi women seem to be able to get the "together" energy from the husband and already have someone to share the mortgage with.
I just think I might grow resentful over the long term if this is all I feel I can have ("how come everyone else gets to have a whole relationship and I only get to have half of one?"). I am also concerned that as a struggling person on county health insurance and who has health problems, I may grow jealous of the fact that my partners get to have heterosexual married privileges and I don't, and I'm left on my own to figure things out and scrabble around for roommates because I don't have a life partner. It also has never, ever been easy for me to meet people and one of the benefits of primary relationship to me is NOT feeling the pressure to be out there trying to impress women...
Maybe I'm just a better mistress than wife at this point in my life and I should accept that, and that when I am more "together" I will be more attractive to someone who would desire me as a primary partner? For the temporary time being, I don't really bring anything financially to the table.
My mother's monogamous relationship is not a model for me; I would consider it a living hell. These two drew a wall around themselves to the point that they have almost no other people in their lives and their social lives completely revolve around family life.
And also, perhaps being poly would open me up more to different kinds of relationships. If I have female lovers then I could see even marrying a man, it would just likely be a platonic marriage with someone else who desired that kind of thing (such as a gay man or an asexual man) and wanted the social benefits and life commitment of being married. I have had people suggest that a gay male friend and I marry each other and if my best friend had it more "together" himself then he'd be the first person I'd want to marry. I just don't like to have sex with men and am not physically attracted to them.
It still is not how I pictured my life though (I really want to share my life with a WOMAN) and I think I would feel I had "settled". I was married briefly because I had gotten tired of the lesbian community and the difficulties of dating/meeting women. I thought that my husband and I both being "geeky" might actually be enough to bridge major gaps in physical attraction.
I NEVER got over the feeling I had settled and it felt dirty and icky, and it felt like the marriage was a lie.
On the other hand, if we had been poly, it might have been different?
I have up to now been completely monogamous. I tend to be a person who goes a long time between relationships because I am a "difficult match"... have a lot of rare viewpoints/interests. It seems these are most often shared in the poly community. I am a "geek" and pagan and for people who are in the geek/fan community, then you know how much this is a "culture" of its own and that relationships between geeks and non geeks can often be difficult; there is a huge cultural divide. The problem is, I am a lesbian and lesbian geeks are very rare. I am also not really involved in "the lesbian community" and almost never meet lesbian women, let alone befriend any. They just never cross my path, ever. I am considering poly... because bisexual married women geeks are NOT rare. As long as I'm willing to get my companionship needs met by more than one person, perhaps I don't need to fear spending the rest of my life alone.
One reason I might consider poly is that despite being lesbian, I have had deep friendships with men that have been kind of "blurry"; we love each other very much, there is just no sex. My lesbian partners have always resented the presence of these men in my life.
The thing is that I want to share my life and household with someone, but the people who tend to be interested in me - almost exclusively - tend to be polyamorous people who already have a primary partner and are married to that person. I am starting to develop a complex that I am not good enough to be anyone's primary partner. I want to share a house and finances and responsibilities with someone and for all intents and purposes be "married".
I have considered whether I should be open to poly. In my relationships, I always feel that the very deep friendships always take a severe backseat and in each case, they've ended up being damaged irrevocably. I'm now completely alone because of the social damage done by my last monogamous relationship. She could not handle how "blurry" my friendships were, even though it seemed to me like her best friend relationship with her ex was itself very "blurry". There was a long time that I preferred to have platonic friends to even having lovers because the "lover" model with which I was familiar, seemed to take from my life, not add to it.
At the same time, I don't think I want to be in a relationship as a "secondary" right now... then again I am a full time student, living at home again at 38 (the living home with a mind reading Jewish mother who is socially very traditional, may make it difficult anyway; it actually makes it difficult to even date) and have little income, and maybe it will give me time to pull my act together until I am ready to be primary with someone (and perhaps I'll still be with the secondary partner when I do meet a primary partner)?
I find that poly people judge me less, all the same. In my experience with monogamous people I feel like they are measuring me up to see how "perfect" I am. Married bisexual women put fewer trips on me than single lesbian women, who seem to feel I'm not "together" enough and seem to be looking for someone to have children with. The married bi women seem to be able to get the "together" energy from the husband and already have someone to share the mortgage with.
I just think I might grow resentful over the long term if this is all I feel I can have ("how come everyone else gets to have a whole relationship and I only get to have half of one?"). I am also concerned that as a struggling person on county health insurance and who has health problems, I may grow jealous of the fact that my partners get to have heterosexual married privileges and I don't, and I'm left on my own to figure things out and scrabble around for roommates because I don't have a life partner. It also has never, ever been easy for me to meet people and one of the benefits of primary relationship to me is NOT feeling the pressure to be out there trying to impress women...
Maybe I'm just a better mistress than wife at this point in my life and I should accept that, and that when I am more "together" I will be more attractive to someone who would desire me as a primary partner? For the temporary time being, I don't really bring anything financially to the table.
My mother's monogamous relationship is not a model for me; I would consider it a living hell. These two drew a wall around themselves to the point that they have almost no other people in their lives and their social lives completely revolve around family life.
And also, perhaps being poly would open me up more to different kinds of relationships. If I have female lovers then I could see even marrying a man, it would just likely be a platonic marriage with someone else who desired that kind of thing (such as a gay man or an asexual man) and wanted the social benefits and life commitment of being married. I have had people suggest that a gay male friend and I marry each other and if my best friend had it more "together" himself then he'd be the first person I'd want to marry. I just don't like to have sex with men and am not physically attracted to them.
It still is not how I pictured my life though (I really want to share my life with a WOMAN) and I think I would feel I had "settled". I was married briefly because I had gotten tired of the lesbian community and the difficulties of dating/meeting women. I thought that my husband and I both being "geeky" might actually be enough to bridge major gaps in physical attraction.
I NEVER got over the feeling I had settled and it felt dirty and icky, and it felt like the marriage was a lie.
On the other hand, if we had been poly, it might have been different?
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There's nothing wrong with having roommates at 40, though. Gosh, I'm almost 30, have a good career, and live in a little mother-in-law apartment on my parents' property. I'm not embarrassed. (Though it is frustrating to bring people into my tiny place. Who wants their old dad breaking in while they're watching a movie with their beloved and accusing you of stealing hemmorhoid cream? Especially when it's true.