Hello All

M

Mtndrmz

New member
I have joined this site to learn how to manage the situation I now find myself in.

I had been very vanilla in my first two marriages and what kink I felt was limited to computer porn. While dating my third wife I discovered she was into swinging and house parties. We experimented with this for a couple of years but I found I was not able to perform in those situations. We are soul mates and 100% open so it was never a problem. I did find I was turned on by seeing her with another man and we have experienced that several times with good success. But I knew what she really wanted was that hot one on one with another male and I found I I actually liked the way she was when in a hot relationship with another male. They never last long because she hadn't found the right guy who could stay 'hot' for her without it quickly becoming a booty call. So now she has found someone where it is working and I think this will last awhile. Our understanding has been that she can have this relationship for as long as it works for her so long as it doesn't detract from our relationship.

So now thinking this is long term I got curious about myself and what makes me tick. Researching I found this site and want to interact with others who are in similar situations and learn from them. Looking forward to what I know will be interesting conversations.
 
Hey mtdrmz! I think you will find that people here have come into their non-monogamous relationships in a variety of ways. In some cases they were sexually open first, and then someone ‘caught feels’ for an additional partner. In many other cases, someone who was in a monogamous relationship found themselves making an additional emotional connection first, and then pushed to be sexually open afterwards.
 
Hi Mtndrmz - and welcome to the forum! We will look forward to hearing more of your unfolding story. Are you open to another partner for yourself as well - or do you prefer to remain mono while your wife is poly? The mono/poly scenario is not an unusual scenario - although some contend that is usually difficult to maintain long term - but some do.

I did find I was turned on by seeing her with another man and we have experienced that several times with good success. But I knew what she really wanted was that hot one on one with another male and I found I I actually liked the way she was when in a hot relationship with another male
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It is not unusual in heirarchical polyamory for the sexual energy generated by one of the primary partners having sex with a secondary partner to "feed back" to the primary relationship - sexually re-energizing the primary couple. This is discussed in such well known poly texts as the "Ethical Slut" and "Opening Up". Sometimes it is just the knowledge that your partner just had sex with another, or it may involve hearing the juicy details, or perhaps a new sexual technique picked up from the secondary. This works for some, but not others. Some want to hear all the juicy details - others want to hear nothing at all (except for knowing where you were).

In the situation where the wife is the one having the sex and coming home to her husband to tell about it, in some cases it feeds into a hotwife-cuckold fantasy - femdom fetish, involving psychodynamics of humiliation and submission.

Or it may have nothing to do with hotwife-cuckold scenario, but be more of a voyeur/vicarious thrill effect. This particular dynamic plays into our poly marriage in regard to my wife's sexual encounters with her boyfriend. It was very helpful in the beginning - as a way of helping me cope with the entire idea of her having sex with another man while I was home with the kid. And we did have some very hot sex afterward. It still plays a role in the sexual dynamic of our poly-marriage - but somewhat less so now that I have a partner with whom I have been intimate as well. Unlike myself, my wife does not care to know any details.

Here is a link to a post I wrote some months back - earlier in my transition to poly - that you might find helpful.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=358731&postcount=16

Again, welcome and best of luck on your journey! Al
 
AI99,

I definitely will read your post.

I am still working through this and my wife and I have talked about me finding someone she could not handle that right now and I am not overly concerned with that. Would I mind meeting a woman whom I am attracted to and develop a friendship with benefits, sure, but I am fine with this situation as it currently is.

I am already finding some good information on dealing with occasional green monster stuff. The source of that is rooted in my being used to having her by my side doting on me. When she is not with me visiting her friends I get the same emotion! Talk about addiction!

I know I need to work on that and be at peace when she is with her BF or with other friends. I don't like the concept of "distraction" as that just seems like a cover-up, I would rather be truly at peace with being alone.

Thanks for the reply....
 
Greetings Mtndrmz,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you currently have a situation that is acceptable to both you and your wife. And perhaps you'll look for an additional partner for you sometime in the future if your wife is okay with that, but if not, that is okay too. I am glad you joined Polyamory.com, we will be able to give you feedback and you will be able to give us feedback as well. You will find that there will be many here who could use your counsel/advice. In the meantime, let us know if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
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