Hello from Hampton Roads, Virginia.

[Auphelia]

Hello, I am a new member residing in SE Virginia (affectionally known as "Hampton Roads"). I am very much a poly virgin, married to my wonderful husband who has been more than understanding of my desires to be with other women (as of now I have no desire to maintain a secondary relationship with a male). Rather than just sleep around I am finding myself wanting more...a meaningful relationship, friendship, dedication. I haven't dated in 6 years so this is a brand new world to me for many reasons.

I admit I am still very conflicted in my desires to have a secondary relationship while feeling like I am not fulfilling my duties as a wife if I have other relationships. My husband lovingly refers to this as my "catholic guilt" (no insult intended) and I am working through it day by day. Rationally I know this works every single day for many, many people and if WE work through it properly it can work for us, too. The logic is still a little overwhelming.

I hope to learn and grow through the experiences, advice, and friendship shared on this forum!

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Auphelia,
Welcome to our forum.

They don't teach us about polyamory when we are kids; we are very steeped in the doctrines of exclusive monogamy. So polyamory is going to feel strange to you for awhile. It will take awhile to wash away that monogamous conditioning.

Not that monogamy is some terrible thing; it's just that it's not the *only* thing, and that's what we're not taught as kids. Conditioning doesn't go away quickly, even when you're conscious of it.

I am certain you will find many opportunities to make new friends here, and get advice and feedback. Have a look around, and see what threads call to you. Post any thoughts or questions you may have.

It's good to have you aboard.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[BBQGreg]

Hi back at you from the same area. Although on account of the navy base, I usually just tell people I'm from "around Norfolk". They seem to understand that better.

I take it from your husband using the term "Catholic guilt" you either remain or once were Catholic? I do believe in the existence of that guilty mindset. I was raised Catholic and even though I've been a convinced atheist for a decade the mindset that one prayer every mass teaches you, "I have sinned through my own fault in my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done, and in what I have failed to do," has stuck with me. So even though my idea of what is and isn't a sin isn't based in Church teachings and I don't believe in Jesus Christ or any sort of god, I do still have a belief that I'm ungood and I need to judge myself. And my point in all this is that I do believe it's possible to have been trained to judge and criticize yourself regardless of whether you would consider the "fault" or "flaw" in question to be a bad thing in the abstract or applied to someone else.

And you may want to do some thinking about the specific reason you feel you're "not fulfilling [your] wifely duties". Ask yourself what exactly do you think those duties are and why do you think those are your duties? Do they make sense and still seem valid after you do that? I believe duty's a wonderful concept, but the devil's in the details.