tronprogram
New member
Hey I'm Dan and I'm 31. About two months ago, my wife of five years and I almost split up because she felt like I wasn't interested in her or the marriage anymore. As a way to facilitate this, she wanted to open the relationship so we could ease our way into being with other people. Although, she really hoped this would wake me up and make me want to start contributing more.
The only thing is that I didn't really grasp that this was her reasoning. For the most part, I just thought she was proposing this as a fun, creative way to help our marriage. So I JUMPED at the idea. For years, I'd always been paranoid that I'd cheat on her because I'd always had this crazy urge to pursue other women. I came from a religious background, so I would just always chalk it up to 'sinful temptation' and just suppress it as best I could. (That never worked.)
When my wife saw how excited I got about the open relationship and how often I was on OkCupid looking for dates, she got pretty discouraged even though I had no intention of getting a divorce. So when I eventually expressed that I didn't want a divorce and wanted to start contributing, my wife lost interest in the open relationship--even though I still wanted us to do it. It would've been easier to make the open relationship work than to suppress all that crap again. I was so into the idea that I couldn't just put the idea out of my head. It was such a novel idea: 'cheating' on my wife without actually cheating on her or hurting her. When she wanted to see other guys, I actually didn't mind the idea. It seemed a little weird that she would have contact with them before and after me, but I could live with it. (Which was strange, because I've actually been jealous about that in the past.)
Another reason I didn't want to stop was because I'd met a really awesome person who was poly, happily married, and lived far enough away that I wouldn't be able to see her too often. I hadn't actually met her and still haven't (still waiting on the okay from the wife), but I really want to. It's driving me crazy. Beyond that, I'm happy with my marriage. There's some occasional sexual frustration, but we still get along great and things are good. The vanilla sex is still great, too. We don't fight too often, really. I'm just not really engaged by monogamy as much as my wife is.
Since my wife hasn't been on board with being non-monogamous anymore and I can't seem to turn off the idea in my head, I've really been trying to examine why I feel this way. Questions I've been asking myself:
--Is my unhappiness with my wife the cause behind this?
--Do I have a right to ask my wife for permission to do this?
--Is our marriage screwed anyway?
--Are there effective ways to handle my girl craziness without acting on it or suppressing it?
--Do I need to convince my wife that acting on my girl craziness is the only option that will work for us?
I've gotten some answers to a few of these questions already, but it hasn't really mattered because my wife's not on board and nobody else in my life would support non-monogamy or polyamory. I tried suppressing this for five years already and it didn't really work because, well...here we are. This open relationship fake-out really triggered a reflex that's brought a lot of crap out into the open that I'd been holding back. Now I just can't contain it again. I don't know that I want to, either. I know I made a commitment to my wife to be monogamous, but I didn't realize I was wired to be non-monogamous at the time. I didn't know that's why I've been girl crazy since I was in pre-school. I was just doing what everybody else does. I didn't even know this was a thing. I don't regret finding out this out after I got married because I'm glad to have a home base and have someone to come home to. I just wish I had more flexibility to explore and be who I'm seemingly wired to be.
The only thing is that I didn't really grasp that this was her reasoning. For the most part, I just thought she was proposing this as a fun, creative way to help our marriage. So I JUMPED at the idea. For years, I'd always been paranoid that I'd cheat on her because I'd always had this crazy urge to pursue other women. I came from a religious background, so I would just always chalk it up to 'sinful temptation' and just suppress it as best I could. (That never worked.)
When my wife saw how excited I got about the open relationship and how often I was on OkCupid looking for dates, she got pretty discouraged even though I had no intention of getting a divorce. So when I eventually expressed that I didn't want a divorce and wanted to start contributing, my wife lost interest in the open relationship--even though I still wanted us to do it. It would've been easier to make the open relationship work than to suppress all that crap again. I was so into the idea that I couldn't just put the idea out of my head. It was such a novel idea: 'cheating' on my wife without actually cheating on her or hurting her. When she wanted to see other guys, I actually didn't mind the idea. It seemed a little weird that she would have contact with them before and after me, but I could live with it. (Which was strange, because I've actually been jealous about that in the past.)
Another reason I didn't want to stop was because I'd met a really awesome person who was poly, happily married, and lived far enough away that I wouldn't be able to see her too often. I hadn't actually met her and still haven't (still waiting on the okay from the wife), but I really want to. It's driving me crazy. Beyond that, I'm happy with my marriage. There's some occasional sexual frustration, but we still get along great and things are good. The vanilla sex is still great, too. We don't fight too often, really. I'm just not really engaged by monogamy as much as my wife is.
Since my wife hasn't been on board with being non-monogamous anymore and I can't seem to turn off the idea in my head, I've really been trying to examine why I feel this way. Questions I've been asking myself:
--Is my unhappiness with my wife the cause behind this?
--Do I have a right to ask my wife for permission to do this?
--Is our marriage screwed anyway?
--Are there effective ways to handle my girl craziness without acting on it or suppressing it?
--Do I need to convince my wife that acting on my girl craziness is the only option that will work for us?
I've gotten some answers to a few of these questions already, but it hasn't really mattered because my wife's not on board and nobody else in my life would support non-monogamy or polyamory. I tried suppressing this for five years already and it didn't really work because, well...here we are. This open relationship fake-out really triggered a reflex that's brought a lot of crap out into the open that I'd been holding back. Now I just can't contain it again. I don't know that I want to, either. I know I made a commitment to my wife to be monogamous, but I didn't realize I was wired to be non-monogamous at the time. I didn't know that's why I've been girl crazy since I was in pre-school. I was just doing what everybody else does. I didn't even know this was a thing. I don't regret finding out this out after I got married because I'm glad to have a home base and have someone to come home to. I just wish I had more flexibility to explore and be who I'm seemingly wired to be.
