Hello, I'm new and nervous!

T

Tmcpheet

New member
Hello everyone,

I'm Tess, a 22 year old female and very new to all of this. I have just started a relationship with a couple, and I'm trying to navigate everything and it's very hard. I like both of them so much as a person, but trying to figure out the dynamics of a three person relationship is something I've never done, never thought I would do, but I'm happy to try and figure out. Since I'm so new to this, I would love some input or advice about how to go about this relationship. I don't know where I fit in, or how to get the best possible loving relationship out of the situation. Not only is this new for me, but now we are long-distance. I would just love somebody to talk to in terms of helping me figure out how to make all of us happy because we like each other so much. Thank you!
 
Hi

I am also new-ish to polyamory and am in a long distance MFF "V" arrangement, with me as hinge.

Like you, I found it quite the head-trip when I first found myself in the situation of having two lovers who have become co-primaries in the year or two we've been together.

I think the fact that I didn't deliberately seek out a non monogamous relationship, nor do I truly identify as "poly", has meant that it's been harder for me to accept the reality of the situation.

I'm not sure what specific advice we at the forum can give you, Tmcpheet, without knowing what exactly it is you're struggling with at the moment. I'm not sure if you've posted in the Introductory section, but if you can tell us a little more about your particular situation and the struggles you face, we may be able to point you in the direction of relevant resources, websites, blogs, articles etc.

Just remember:

- There is no one "right" way to do poly

- Effective and timely communication is crucial to any successful relationship, and especially so in polyamorous relationships

- No relationship or dyad can ever be exactly "equal" to another in every aspect, even when you're dating both members of a couple. Questions of "who gets what, and when?" come into play quite often in poly relationships.

- Make sure to really think about your own boundaries, soft and hard limits, and communicate these to your partners! They cannot be mind-readers.

- Beware of "couple privilege" that commonly exists in arrangements such as yours.

- Remember, just because you're involved with both partners of a couple doesn't mean you're obliged to participate in group sex, some or all of the time, unless that is truly what you *want* to do, and everyone involved has agreed to this dynamic and negotiated rules and boundaries.

- Since you're new to poly (I'm not sure HOW new) don't overlook the important of safe sex practises, even if you're closed, unless everybody has tested negative and/or has agreed not to engage in sexual activity with "outsiders".

- Realise that fluid-bonding can be an emotional issue. I assume you've had this discussion and have appropriate agreements in place (?)

- Realise nobody is immune to jealousy, envy, and feelings of insecurity from time to time, and these can crop up unexpectedly, even in situations where this was never a problem before, due to sudden changes in a relationship's dynamic, the addition of a new partner, health issues, sexual or communication mismatches, etc. Comparison is the thief of joy, as they say, but in a "V" dynamic, especially, it often goes with the territory.
 
There is also this: Sometimes it can be hard to get the balance right when you have two lovers who each know the other, live together, and/or have been named co-primaries.

(i.e. I've never done it, but I assume it might be easier if the expectation of equality was taken out of the mix... for instance, in situations where there is one obvious primary and one or more non-live-in secondaries.)

Personally, I found the most difficult part of having two partners - especially in the early days when NRE is strong - is finding a good balance of time spent with each.

Also tricky is figuring out how to "time" sex or other forms of intimacy with ONE lover so as not to impinge on, or detract from, those experiences with the other. Because ours is a long distance closed V, there would be times when I would be engaging in intimate forms of communication with one partner, only to see incongruous messages pop up on-screen from the other during the act which would effectively ruin the mood AND make me feel incredibly guilty.

In a similar category: being expected to "go there" with the second partner almost directly after some form of sex has taken place with the other; awkward mainly because the second person often has no way of knowing what has transpired. One of the more subtle arts to learn is how to gently extricate oneself from such a situation without having to go into unwelcome detail or having to outright lie to your other partner. But *do* make sure you only engage in intimacy when you are ready for it, and never feel obligated to let a partner use your body for their own pleasure simply because you've agreed to date both members of a couple and they insist on keeping score/making it "even".
 
Originally Posted by lunabunny View Post
- There is no one "right" way to do poly
Click to expand...

Ravenscroft said:
Arguable at best. However, the ways to totally screw it up are certainly innumerable.
Click to expand...

^ While I concur wholeheartedly with your second statement, I stand by the first.

To clarify, what I meant by that: Over recent months, I've learned from boards like this and my own limited experience that there are a number of different, but equally valid ways to approach polyamory.

For instance, a person may happily practise "solo" poly, or belong to a strictly "closed" poly-fi grouping (triads, quads etc), closed V, open-ended V, or more flexible multi-partner network.

Some people may practise hierarchical poly, and while this doesn't work for everyone (and some may say it's not a valid or ethical way to do poly at all), if everyone in the polycule or grouping agrees and it works for them, then who's to say they're doing it "wrong"? (Same goes for a One Penis Policy.)

Others may insist on egalitarian ideals ("we're all equal here") and shun vetos or the inclusion of many/any rules, while others need more structure and prefer to set and adhere to customised rules/agreements/boundaries.

I guess my view is... there seem to be a handful of basic poly "forms" or arrangements and as long as the people practising them feel fulfilled and their needs are being met, then they shouldn't feel like they're "don't it wrong" because someone else says that's not how poly should be.
 
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Hi Tess,

You mentioned that you are trying to navigate everything and that it's very hard. Could you go into more detail about what is making it very hard? There are so many possibilities here, it is hard for me to know which possibility to address.

One thing I might suggest is that you make a point to say you're dating two individuals ... rather than that you are dating "a couple." Otherwise you can easily slide into a situation where they have couple privilege, and/or where you are expected to be into both of them equally, etc.

Having it be long-distance is, in my view, a huge complication. It can be done, but I wouldn't want to do it, it wouldn't be worth it to me. You have to decide if it's worth it to you. Perhaps part of the deciding factor is how much distance we are dealing with here. If it's just a few hours' drive that can be tolerable; if it's the other side of the world that can be really difficult. At least that's how it seems to me.

I hope you'll post some more, let us know how things are going, and give us some more details. We definitely want to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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