Hello

R

Rompnstomp

New member
Well, I guess this is my introductory post. I am very new to this whole poly thing and have had to do some self examination. I am not poly, but we recently discovered that my wife is. It has been a learning process for the both of us. Even though most people would categorize me as conservative in nature, I have always held that an open mind is the road to true understanding. It seems that I have been gaining more understanding this last few weeks than I may have been prepared for, but I feel my wife and I have grown greatly for it.
As I am learning what all this means for our lives I may have a question from time to time. Mostly, though, I will be just a reader, a studier, a researcher, in forum lingo... a lurker. So, glad to meet ya and I look forward to new information, friendships, and what ever else comes.
 
Greetings Rompnstomp,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Sounds like you are getting a crash course in the basics of poly. There is a lot to learn, so dig right in and read as much as you can. We'll be happy to answer any questions you may have.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
well, this is the big test. My wife is spending the weekend with her boyfriend for the first time. Intellectually, I am ok and understanding, but emotionally I am freaking out just a little bit. This is tough. I hope that it's just first time jitters. I don't want to feel this way each time she goes to visit. I am not fishing for a response here, just venting in the hopes it will have a therapeutic effect. Typing this so far has calmed me a bit, so I guess there is hope that posting this will have an even greater effect.

The kids are off to bed and I am sitting here in the living room...the silence is deafening. For the first time in a long time I am alone with my thoughts. It's strange how the mind wanders when left to its own devices. Does she love him more than me? Does she miss me? Why doesn't she text me the way I see her text him? OK. I know the answer to that last one for sure. He is new, exciting, the thrill of new love. I keep telling myself that. In time they will settle into a comfortable relationship and things will normalize.

In the mean time, I have ample opportunity to look to myself and analyze the emotions that I am feeling. One by one, I am slaying dragons of what I thought was the way things were; of how I view the world. I suppose this is the path to enlightenment, if you believe in that sort of thing. I like to think I will be a better person for it. Or at least a wiser one.
 
This first time IS hard (or at least it was for me). Sounds like you're coping with it wonderfully, despite the difficulty of it all. It usually gets easier over time. I personally needed some time to grieve the loss of what my relationship with Roger previously looked like, while simultaneously embracing the growth I experienced and getting used to the new structure of our lives.
 
"to grieve the loss"...I have been looking for a name for what I have been feeling and coming up blank. I now understand. damn, its like a floodgate has been opened as I type this. Thank you.
 
So glad it resonated for you. I think it was first suggested to me by Kevin when I was also at a loss of words. It was helpful for me to read through the stages of grief (I'm sure there are plenty of articles if you google that) and recognize when I was going through a particular stage (or many stages), while understanding that it's not a linear process. Some days it feels like one step forward, two steps back, but that's the process of change for you.

(Cyber hug if you want it) You're doing a beautiful thing for your wife.
 
You are so very welcome! :) Keep us posted on how you're doing - even if you just need a place to vent! There's always someone who can understand what you're going through. I can't describe how helpful this place has been for me the last 9 months or so. Hope it will continue being that for you!
 
Hi Rompnstomp,

Kudos for taking those difficult emotions in your stride so far. I hope you were able to get some sleep.

If I remember right, grief has five official stages:

  • Denial,
  • Anger,
  • Bargaining,
  • Depression,
  • Acceptance.
You can decide which stage you're on, keeping in mind that one can fluctuate back and forth and experience one or more stage multiple times.

In case you're not already planning to, may I suggest you take advantage of this weekend and do a lot of stuff your wife wouldn't be nearly as interested in as you are. Hobbies, movies you want to see, books, your own social life, what have you.

This forum is definitely a good thing to include on that list. :) Hang in there.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
My wife is back. She was glowing when she walked into the house. I survived and she came home to me. I am still working through a slew of emotions and it will be a hard road, I am sure. Despite that, when she came home we were able to connect in a way that we never had before. Never in the nine years we have shared our lives have I seen her this happy, this content.

I admit, I was a bit hesitant to reach out to this forum. I have nothing against the community here or the people that comprise it. I fully believe in equal rights for all people, regardless of their thoughts or beliefs. I also fully believe in the right to fail miserably. I am sad to say, that many people in the "alternative" lifestyle do not, I mean hatefully, do not believe as I do on many things. I am ok with that. That's what freedom is all about.

Ok, long story short...I was worried that I might get snubbed, or worse, by this community. What I did find was loving, compassionate care. Thank you with all my heart.

On a side note, I find it ironic that I have spent a lifetime developing a mindset to deal with, and counter, high stress situations. I did this so that when I need to step up and defend my family, there would be no hesitation. I never could have imagined that I might need to prepare for a life changing situation such as this. I was not prepared. Those of you that responded with compassion and wisdom have my eternal gratitude. I owe ya'll one.;)
 
It makes me happy when anyone has a good experience here on this forum. Congrats on your latest step upwards on the "poly ladder!" :D
 
I'm so glad you found this forum and took the risk in opening up. Being vulerable and sharing with other people, even if they are strangers, is really scary! Been there, can understand how you feel.

The part when you said you weren't prepared made me laugh. I remember feeling so prepared when Roger started dating Taylor and thinking, "I got this!" Funny how you can't really ever prepare yourself until it actually happens.

Please feel free to keep posting as things unfold. I find myself continuously learning and growing on this forum, even after many months of Roger and Taylor dating, as Jack and I deepen our relationship, and as Roger and I grow from opening up. I know this place has been amazingly supportive to me, no matter what stage of change I'm in. :)
 
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