Help don't know where I went wrong today

L

lisa6

New member
Hi

First I must apologize .. last time I posted I erased it.. I was worried about one of my partners seeing the post and I didn't want them too..

Anyway in a FMF triad almost 2 yrs.. with husband of 23 yrs and my BFF.

Today's dilemma... H and BFF are going out on an alone date thurs..which I was totally ok with .. we all try to schedule some alone dates when we can...But an issue came up today..

We usually do a family dinner on Tuesday nites with her kids and ours.. ocassionally we do a dinner out with the 3 of us on a Tuesday instead of the family dinner..I asked that we do a dinner with just the 3 of us because we did not see her last weekend and won't see her for possibly the next 3 weeks.. conflict of schedule.. she texted that tonight she couldn't and I said I was sad and I would see her after I get back from a trip our family is taking..She than said that instead of the just her and my H h going out thurs that we all should go out.. it turns out that although this is what she suggested that she really didn't want to invite me.. she invited me because I said I was sad that I wouldn't see her before our trip but not because she really wants my company thursday..

Now I fell upset and mad and a bit embarrassed like I am a charity case.. I want people to spend time with me and invite me because they actually want me there..I did say I was sad I wouldn't see her before our trip.. it that is it I said I was sad. I was expressing a feeling.. not throwing a fit or asking her to cancel the alone date..

Now I am just upset

Any advice?
 
lisa6 said:
She than said that instead of the just her and my H h going out thurs that we all should go out.. it turns out that although this is what she suggested that she really didn't want to invite me.. she invited me because I said I was sad that I wouldn't see her before our trip but not because she really wants my company thursday..
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How do you know that this is true? Did she tell you that?

lisa6 said:
I want people to spend time with me and invite me because they actually want me there..
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Pending the response to my first question: this is an adult communication issue. I suggest having a frank, calm conversation about what went down and how to handle it in the future. In my opinion this is absolutely something that should not be allowed to get swept under the rug.
 
Hi Marcus..

Thank you for the reply... I know it is true for 2 reasons...

First- i texted and told her it was sweet that she invited me out Thursday nite because I know it was supposed to be the 2 of them and not the 3 of us. Her text back- was that she didn't feel like she had much of a choice..

Second- my husband told me that she called him and told him she was disappointed that it wasn't going to be the 2 of them thursday night..

Iam still pretty upset.. I never asked or suggested that I go on their date Thurs nite.. That was her idea not mine....

Anyway I am upset because- i got excited about going out with them Thursday nite... I felt wanted and cared for.. But to than findout that the offer wasn't sincere and that she was disappointed I was going hurts and makes me feel unwanted ...

Originally I was happy they were going out Thursday nite..I was sad I was not going to see her before our trip but I was genuinely happy for them.. Now I am just unhappy about the whole thing..

I do know she is a people pleaser and does not like conflict..i know her intention was good I sad I was sad that I would not see her before our trip.. so she tried to fix it by inviting me out for a group date on what was supposed to be alone time....

But don't offer things unless you mean them.. don't invite me out unless you are really doing it because you want too I am not a charity case..

I told her that a better response would have been if she just said this- hey I will miss you too, can't wait to see you soon and we will do something special when you get back.. that would have made me feel good and she wouldn't have had to invite me when she didn't want too..I mean really who wants to be the unwelcome guest on a date? Not me..
...ZaragzaInfiesto
So I told her this.. and I told both of them to go out alone.. I no longer want to be part of their date tonight.. her response was to still insist she wants me on the date. But I am not going... I will see her after our trip

I am still pretty mad and hurt though
 
lisa6 said:
So I told her this.. and I told both of them to go out alone.. I no longer want to be part of their date tonight.. her response was to still insist she wants me on the date. But I am not going... I will see her after our trip

I am still pretty mad and hurt though
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I'm glad you reached out and were honest, that's a big step.

If I may add something to get onto your radar: part of expecting people to treat us honestly and to not patronize us, is to demonstrate that we can take disappointing news with grace. So, this is a good exercise for you to practice making sure that your "hurt" and "angry" response turns into an "understanding" and "patient" response. Does that make sense?

This way, people learn that they can be honest because we have long since demonstrated that we are stable and can adjust to difficulty and disappointment without freaking out. THEN they will be much more likely to be honest and not worry that we are going to have some big reaction.
 
I think you are asessing the situation right. She should learn to stick to her preferences. You telling her so and not going hopefully helps establish this culture in your relationship.

I think you could still talk about the "didn't have a choise" bullshit. What is it on her part? Is she unaware that you can express disappointment asking her to listen, not to fix it? That you can own your disappointment? Is that a relationship setting she is living with?
Or is there some sence of being secondary on her part? Being only "allowed" to date your husband as long as she stays on good terms with you? Maybe you expect more from your relationship with her than she wants?

For your part, I don't see much of an error. Maybe you can check how you express disappointment; and check what exactly is it about this misunderstanding that makes you so confused and upset. Does it speak to some particular vulnerabilities of yours? (You don't have to answer publicly of course.)
 
lisa6 said:
Second- my husband told me that she called him and told him she was disappointed that it wasn't going to be the 2 of them thursday night.
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Adjacent to the communication discussion, this is something to take a look at.

It's easy for people who are close to share information about other people they are close to. However, we should be mindful about how much of someone elses relationship influences how we feel.

Your situation, for example: the fact that your husband reported the rumor that brought this to a head gives me pause. It's not that anyone did anything wrong necessarily, it's just that this kind of communication 'about' one another can become problematic. Consider taking a look at what kind of information is filtering through your husband and whether or not that is a good idea.
 
Hi!!

Thank you for all the wonderful replies..

My husband and I have been very close friends with my BFF for 12 years... The 3 of us dating for the past 2 yrs..

From what I know- she almost always sacrifices her presences and wishes for everyone in her life. I often think to her own detriment.. Both my husband and myself have encouraged her to state her presences and put herself for not only with us but in other areas of her life as well..Not that she should always put herself first but it it isn't heathy to always put your self last.. I imagine there must be some deep seated resentments and I don't mean with our relationship with her but just in her life in general..

We can only talk about it with her and support her but it is up to her..

I really think her wanting to fix things for me is more about her general life style and how she never wants to disappoint anyone versus anything in particular in our relationship.
 
Hi lisa6,

It sounds like your BFF is something of a people pleaser. It is tempting to tiptoe around her (e.g. not telling her you're sad about not seeing her til after the trip), but I recommend resisting that temptation. Instead, be honest about your feelings (without being judgmental). You were hurt when you found out you weren't really wanted on today's (Thursday's) date. When you share feelings (e.g. sad) in the future, could she acknowledge/sympathize without trying to fix the situation? Something to that effect.

From what I'm reading here, it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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