Helping a brokenhearted partner

[peachcordial]

Hello,

I will try and keep this as brief as I can!
My boyfriend suffers from depression which is rooted in the fact that he is transgender. I'm only mentioning this first to underline how vulnerable he can be even without any extra stress. He had been with his (now ex) partner for 5 years, but for the last 7 or 8 months has also been in a relationship with me. I was aware that they were having some issues and he had mentioned certain things to me, but I kept out of it as it wasn't my business.
The other day, she left him. Despite the fact that he had spoken about ending it and had considered that it was a possibility, there is obviously a world of difference between that and actually doing it.
She had been his first girlfriend with whom he'd been open about his gender issues, and they obviously had a lot of history. He is completely distraught, to the point that I have been and still am genuinely concerned about him.

Unfortunately I don't live near him, but I'm going to stay with him in about a week - mostly just to make sure he eats and drinks and sleeps.

I guess I'm partly just venting, but I don't know how to deal with this. He is (entirely reasonably) pushing me away emotionally; not refusing to talk to me or anything, and he does want me to visit, but he has stopped saying anything that he wouldn't say to any friend. Of course I do understand this, I'm not expecting anything from him for some time. But I'm scared that his feelings for me will get burnt up in this and that when he begins to see the light again, he'll have forgotten me.
And then I feel horrible and selfish and awful for even thinking that way when he's so upset. But I feel like I've had the breakup too.

How can I support him? And I know I absolutely must not let him know I'm upset, because he'll blame himself. But I'm terrified that when I see him next week I'll be emotional.

Anyway, any advice would be hugely appreciated. Sorry for the essay. I posted about this on another, different forum and all I got was abuse for still being with him and people telling me to leave him. I know they didn't understand that he loves us both but...yeah, it hurt a bit.

Thank you lovely people.

 

[KC43]

The best way to support him is the way he needs to be supported.

Right now, that might just be you being physically and emotionally present, even if he doesn't appear to want you to be.

It might be you saying flat out, "I love you/care about you (whichever you might usually say to him) and am here when you're ready for me to be."

I would say, in his current state, that he would almost definitely need to *not* see you upset; you're going to be emotional, because when we see someone we love hurting, we hurt too. But take yourself into another room or out for a walk or drive if your emotions get too heavy to hide from him. It's okay to tell him that you hurt for him, but it might be too much to let him *see* it.

I can't understand why people would have told you to leave him. It sounds like you love him; it sounds like he loves you. He's struggling right now, but part of loving someone is helping them through the struggles as well as cheering them on through the good times.

 

[GalaGirl]

Well, best if he can articulate what it is he needs at this time that you could provide.

If you have to guess because he is just too sad to talk? Do the basics. Clean house, make meals, walk dog, get the mail, groceries, run the vac etc while you are there so he does not have to cope with that too.

Those things are needed all the time anyway, and the gift is the gift of time. If you do all that stuff, you are gifting him the freed up time to process his stuff.

More ideas here:

http://goodlifezen.com/21-ways-to-comfort-a-friend-in-crisis/

The ministry of presence is about being PRESENT. So be there for him how he needs, and anticipate on some of the things anyone would need. We all need to eat.

I am sorry you both are struggling with the loss of her. He lost a GF, you lost a meta.

HTH!
Galagirl