H'ok So.....
- Thread starter breathemusic
- Start date
breathemusic
Active member
Thanks!
Sudo wants to check out the Redfin realtor that Peach's mom used to sell her condo (which was close to Sudo's house so that guy probably has experience with selling in their area). We finally got his name and contact info last night, so hopefully tonight we can go online and check him and other sellers out. Sudo and I are off next Fri and then Sudo is off the following Monday, so we're hoping that whoever we contact might be free one of those days to come see the house and talk about things.
Meanwhile, yay for getting my federal taxes done! I balked on using H&R block once I realized that they were going to charge me like $35 each for federal AND state. I thought that they had some sorta thing where if you paid for federal you got 1 state free, etc. But apparently not for me, so screw them. I figured out that the IRS' free fillable forms actually does electronic submission, so I just filed that way. For some reason I was thinking that their fillable forms just give you an easy way to fill in the PDF but you still had to print and mail it, which I figured would add soooo much time for the manual processing. But nope! So now those taxes are all done. I need to do my state ones real quick, but the DC filing site is giving me issues. Grrr. When I did the numbers in HR block though, I'm only getting like $18 back, so whatever, it can wait. Nice to see I'll be getting a big refund from federal at least. Plus, my paycheck this Friday comes with my new big raise and my annual bonus. I was able to look at my pay stub and realize that in my budget spreadsheet, I underestimated what my future pay would be with my new raise! Yay for more money!! Now I feel like I'll be able to bump my savings up even faster to help rebuild funds once we drop money on a down payment. And of course, depending on whether we get something turn key or needing work, if it needs work, I'll be socking away money faster to go toward those improvements! Though realistically, we'll probably be doing most work as quickly as we can. I figure if the new house needs a kitchen upgrade, that will be done ASAP all at once, in addition to any possible opening up of walls and such. If any bathrooms need to be upgraded, I'm on the fence about that. The more dated, the sooner we'll upgrade, though the at least probably have to be done 1 or 2 at a time so that there's at least 1 full bath in the house that is functional. If the place has carpet, we'd only swap that for hard wood right away if we were tearing down walls or something that was already impacting the floors. Otherwise, I think we'd consider waiting a year or 2 and actually using the carpets so that it's not a total waste. I dunno, I really fucking hate carpet. Maybe we'd replace the carpet in the main living spaces and consider leaving it in a basement and other areas until later? But then what if we can't get matching flooring? Something to think about.
Of course.... all of this requires me to actually own a house first! And realistically, that means that Sudo and Peach need to settle some of the stuff with their house first. But I'm hoping their stuff will all be resolved, or at least a plan will be agreed to in writing, within the next month.
Sudo wants to check out the Redfin realtor that Peach's mom used to sell her condo (which was close to Sudo's house so that guy probably has experience with selling in their area). We finally got his name and contact info last night, so hopefully tonight we can go online and check him and other sellers out. Sudo and I are off next Fri and then Sudo is off the following Monday, so we're hoping that whoever we contact might be free one of those days to come see the house and talk about things.
Meanwhile, yay for getting my federal taxes done! I balked on using H&R block once I realized that they were going to charge me like $35 each for federal AND state. I thought that they had some sorta thing where if you paid for federal you got 1 state free, etc. But apparently not for me, so screw them. I figured out that the IRS' free fillable forms actually does electronic submission, so I just filed that way. For some reason I was thinking that their fillable forms just give you an easy way to fill in the PDF but you still had to print and mail it, which I figured would add soooo much time for the manual processing. But nope! So now those taxes are all done. I need to do my state ones real quick, but the DC filing site is giving me issues. Grrr. When I did the numbers in HR block though, I'm only getting like $18 back, so whatever, it can wait. Nice to see I'll be getting a big refund from federal at least. Plus, my paycheck this Friday comes with my new big raise and my annual bonus. I was able to look at my pay stub and realize that in my budget spreadsheet, I underestimated what my future pay would be with my new raise! Yay for more money!! Now I feel like I'll be able to bump my savings up even faster to help rebuild funds once we drop money on a down payment. And of course, depending on whether we get something turn key or needing work, if it needs work, I'll be socking away money faster to go toward those improvements! Though realistically, we'll probably be doing most work as quickly as we can. I figure if the new house needs a kitchen upgrade, that will be done ASAP all at once, in addition to any possible opening up of walls and such. If any bathrooms need to be upgraded, I'm on the fence about that. The more dated, the sooner we'll upgrade, though the at least probably have to be done 1 or 2 at a time so that there's at least 1 full bath in the house that is functional. If the place has carpet, we'd only swap that for hard wood right away if we were tearing down walls or something that was already impacting the floors. Otherwise, I think we'd consider waiting a year or 2 and actually using the carpets so that it's not a total waste. I dunno, I really fucking hate carpet. Maybe we'd replace the carpet in the main living spaces and consider leaving it in a basement and other areas until later? But then what if we can't get matching flooring? Something to think about.
Of course.... all of this requires me to actually own a house first! And realistically, that means that Sudo and Peach need to settle some of the stuff with their house first. But I'm hoping their stuff will all be resolved, or at least a plan will be agreed to in writing, within the next month.
breathemusic
Active member
Sigh. People always congratulate you when you're so open-minded and forward thinking and accepting that you don't have problems being open and don't get jealous and this and that. For those that handle poly well, it's seen as this great thing that you're awesome at and that if your people have "feels" and are struggling then they just need to own their feels and work through them, etc.
But you know, sometimes it sucks being the one who doesn't have the feels while everyone around you has feels. The fact that they have feels, causes feels!
Here I've been all worried about Sudo's feels, and Mr. Hyde is ALSO struggling with the feels too?! Messaging convo with Mr. Hyde came up today related to a few things 1) his lack of liking or commenting on my pics/profile/posts on fetlife and 2) huge kink event that we're all going to (me going with Sudo, him going with his wife). He mentioned liking a pic that I have on there (that he took) but gave me a heads up that if I post more he probably wouldn't like or comment on them because that specifically draws attention to them on his own profile in a way that he tries not to be "in your face" with that kinda stuff with his wife. Apparently he's been having some feels about things lately and admitted that poly has been hard for him and harder than he expected, so basically he tries not to do something to his wife that he'd prefer she not do to him. Given that convo, I was wanting to know what I should expect our level of interaction to be if we run into each other at this big kink event. We had already discussed that we didn't want to avoid each other and it was fine to say hi and stuff, so Sudo and Mr. Hyde will likely end up meeting for the first time (finally), but after this convo about not wanting to be all "in your face" I was wondering what meeting was supposed to look like. Can I give him a hug and a kiss when we say hi if he's with his wife? Is that going to be awkward and weird for them? I wouldn't want to make the motion to initiate that and then be rebuffed, or have him recoil or stop me. Or if he didn't, risk it totally throwing off his wife's mood and messing up their time.
But damn if that doesn't stir up my own feels. Who wants to just pretend to be friends and just be friendly with their own boyfriend? In a kink space? So we talked about that a little bit and I was honest with him and said that while I understand that they're still adjusting and working through feels and stuff, that doesn't mean that it doesn't suck/hurt for me. And he gets that, and said that he absolutely wants to take that into consideration. He still needs to talk to his wife about that and I think that's going to be new territory for BOTH of them (I think maybe his wife's partner(s) will happen to be there as well?), so I don't think a decision has really been made yet. But I'm glad he at least knows how I feel now. And I also mentioned that I can understand if the boundaries are moving while they adjust to things, I just think it would be really hard for me to do that long term, especially if we all end up attending more local stuff and the chances of us running into each other increases. So basically, if they need things to stay PDA free for now, I can deal. But I would like that to be something that everyone was working toward overcoming in the long run.
Either way, this was the first time I told him how the limits on PDA and stuff made me feel, and he acknowledged that he understands that his feels, cause my feels and he feels bad about that. So progress?
But damn, I wish everyone else around me was making progress a little faster on those pesky feels!
On a lighter note, I did joke with him about how was he ever going to realize his fantasy of his wife and I tied and blindfolded in the same room while he directed a gang bang, if he couldn't even hug and kiss me hello in front of her?! LOL. Ahem, anyway, TMI. But seriously, any want that requires us to be in the same space, even a social want, is going to require some personal growth on those feels dude!
But you know, sometimes it sucks being the one who doesn't have the feels while everyone around you has feels. The fact that they have feels, causes feels!
Here I've been all worried about Sudo's feels, and Mr. Hyde is ALSO struggling with the feels too?! Messaging convo with Mr. Hyde came up today related to a few things 1) his lack of liking or commenting on my pics/profile/posts on fetlife and 2) huge kink event that we're all going to (me going with Sudo, him going with his wife). He mentioned liking a pic that I have on there (that he took) but gave me a heads up that if I post more he probably wouldn't like or comment on them because that specifically draws attention to them on his own profile in a way that he tries not to be "in your face" with that kinda stuff with his wife. Apparently he's been having some feels about things lately and admitted that poly has been hard for him and harder than he expected, so basically he tries not to do something to his wife that he'd prefer she not do to him. Given that convo, I was wanting to know what I should expect our level of interaction to be if we run into each other at this big kink event. We had already discussed that we didn't want to avoid each other and it was fine to say hi and stuff, so Sudo and Mr. Hyde will likely end up meeting for the first time (finally), but after this convo about not wanting to be all "in your face" I was wondering what meeting was supposed to look like. Can I give him a hug and a kiss when we say hi if he's with his wife? Is that going to be awkward and weird for them? I wouldn't want to make the motion to initiate that and then be rebuffed, or have him recoil or stop me. Or if he didn't, risk it totally throwing off his wife's mood and messing up their time.
But damn if that doesn't stir up my own feels. Who wants to just pretend to be friends and just be friendly with their own boyfriend? In a kink space? So we talked about that a little bit and I was honest with him and said that while I understand that they're still adjusting and working through feels and stuff, that doesn't mean that it doesn't suck/hurt for me. And he gets that, and said that he absolutely wants to take that into consideration. He still needs to talk to his wife about that and I think that's going to be new territory for BOTH of them (I think maybe his wife's partner(s) will happen to be there as well?), so I don't think a decision has really been made yet. But I'm glad he at least knows how I feel now. And I also mentioned that I can understand if the boundaries are moving while they adjust to things, I just think it would be really hard for me to do that long term, especially if we all end up attending more local stuff and the chances of us running into each other increases. So basically, if they need things to stay PDA free for now, I can deal. But I would like that to be something that everyone was working toward overcoming in the long run.
Either way, this was the first time I told him how the limits on PDA and stuff made me feel, and he acknowledged that he understands that his feels, cause my feels and he feels bad about that. So progress?
But damn, I wish everyone else around me was making progress a little faster on those pesky feels!
On a lighter note, I did joke with him about how was he ever going to realize his fantasy of his wife and I tied and blindfolded in the same room while he directed a gang bang, if he couldn't even hug and kiss me hello in front of her?! LOL. Ahem, anyway, TMI. But seriously, any want that requires us to be in the same space, even a social want, is going to require some personal growth on those feels dude!
There are so many feels in poly/open. Mr Dom got tired of his feels, I got tired of my feels, but I no longer subscribe to the idea that the feels need to be sucked up any more. Embrace the feels, good and bad, and if the feels aren't working for a person then walk away. I had to do it. I couldn't process the sad/bad/jealous feels and make them go away, they hang around.
I hear what you are saying about the other feels overflowing onto you. It's only good when the feels are positive.
PinkPig
Well-known member
I think that's the hard part about poly...how much the different relationships can impact one another, without the partners ever even meeting. In my case, I think I just got tired of the constant processing of emotions...not that we don't do that daily anyway, but poly brings an extra set of emotions, I think. When the relationships are stable, longer term, and relatively healthy, I love the dynamic of being in a triad or a V (even if I'm the arm with no other partner.) I dislike the early stages of a new relationship though....when the NRE colors the hinge's behaviors and you're adjusting to the changes the new partner brings to your existing relationship, and you're processing your own 'feels' while the new partner and your existing partner are processing their own 'feels' while everyone is trying to adjust to everyone else's boundaries. Ugh.
I am glad that you were able to discuss with Mr. Hyde how his/his wife's boundaries affect you. Definitely progress!
I am glad that you were able to discuss with Mr. Hyde how his/his wife's boundaries affect you. Definitely progress!
breathemusic
Active member
Thanks all! The crazy thing is that at this point, neither of my relationships are really new. Sudo and I have been dating for almost 2.5 years, and actually this Saturday will be the one year anniversary of my first date with Mr. Hyde. So really, it's just that both of my other partners have been taking a really long time to adjust to certain things. I think that's maybe part of why I don't always understand what the concern is.... cause Sudo has anxiety about my relationship with Mr. Hyde in a way that he never did about Peach dating other people. Mr. Hyde doesn't really have any anxiety in his relationship with me, only in his relationship with his own wife, but that spills over into me because he isn't really comfortable with the idea of doing things a certain way with me, if he would be reacting badly if his wife did the same thing with a partner of hers (sort of a "do unto others" philosophy). Maybe his growth with poly is just more delayed because I think it has taken some time in their opening up for his wife to actually find partners that are actually working out as significant others vs just a play partner or a few dates? So even though he's been with me almost a year and his wife has had a year to adjust to his dating, I think he's only had to do some of that same growth in more recent months? I'm not 100% sure on that since he and I don't really talk in any level of detail about his wife's dating.
But either way, yes, I'm just glad that even though my partners are both working through some struggles to process things, they do at least own that it's their stuff, and they feel bad when it spills over onto me. And I think it's important for me to make sure that they know their feelings are valid and I don't expect them to not have feelings or express them. I just want to make sure they know how those feelings impact me, and that it's not on me to "fix" their feelings (though I'm not against trying something on my end if they think it will help and I'm agreeable to whatever that thing is). So I feel like we're all at least working in the right direction!
Anyway, onto much better things.... Sudo and I looked at 4 houses this weekend!! OMG, house buying is crazy. So we basically went from one house to the next, and these houses were all difference sizes, prices and in different levels of repair.
The first house was smaller, but fairly updated. They even painted the outside a cute color. The layout was a little cooky, but in an old charm sorta way. Basically the house would have needed only minimal work. i.e. it had a kitchenette in the basement that we'd rip out other than maybe the sink area for a little drink bar. Things like that. But, the rooms were on the smaller side and the ceilings were low in the basement. Since both Sudo and RCT are tall, and we also want the basement to be a good play space for kink stuff in the future.... We decided on the drive home after seeing all the houses that it just wasn't for us. Plus, the house was newly on the market and had lots of tours, so it was probably going to sell VERY soon, and we just didn't love it enough to want to jump on it. Cute though it was.
The second house, I'm going to come back to since it was my favorite!
Third house was the house that was the cheapest, but needed the most work. It was a 5 bedroom house but 2 were on the main level. We'd actually want to tear down a bedroom wall to expand the living room into that area and make it a long flowing living/dining room area. That way the tiny kitchen and dining room could be combined into 1 much larger kitchen. The basement mainly just needed basic updating in terms of flooring and wall paneling. Well, and the room down there that could be a bedroom would need to be slightly expanded to add a closet and have the window made a bit bigger to meet bedroom codes. The upstairs was the biggest problem. 2 bedrooms 1 bath up there, so no master bath. We were trying to look at the floor plan to figure out all sorts of ways to reconfigure the space, maybe find a way to add a bathroom since there was a huge landing area at the top of the steps that seemed like wasted space. But no matter how we looked at it, we just couldn't figure it out. I think the only way to fix it would be if we found a way to move the stairs, and I just don't know if that would be a realistic undertaking. Oh, and the bathrooms needed to be updated. Basically, the house was a gut job, but since it was like $200K under our max budget, we were actually figuring that into it when we decided to look at it. It took us a long time, but ultimately we scratched that off the list.
The fourth house we scratched off the list right away. It was just tiny. It had shitty placement in a culd-o-sac so parking the 3 cars that we would all have would have been near impossible, let alone if we had visitors. There was no way to really reconfigure any rooms to make the layout better, it was just... nope!
OK, back to the second house. The second house was MASSIVE. It was also like $10K over our max budget... BUT we looked at comps and think that the house is WAY overpriced, plus it's been on the market since October with no price reductions. The damn house is about 4,000 square feet. I mean, it's a damn BEAST! It was also the newest house, but still not updated. So basically, the house looked great on the outside, and didn't need major work to ever room.... but the kitchen was still almost 20 years old and just looked dated, and so did the bathrooms. BUT, everything was in SUCH good shape that we would be totally happy living with the current set-up for a year or 2 or 3 if we wanted to wait and save up to do updates. Every single bedroom had massive closets. There were enough bedrooms and other spare rooms to have 4 bedrooms, plus an office (or 2) maybe a play room for RCT's kid and his own toys (he's kind of got a thing for those massive K-nex sets.... yeah, he's an adult child. lol). The basement was MASSIVE and had really high ceilings, so basically a nice big second living space. And get this.... a 3 CAR GARAGE! So we could park 2 cars AND still have a whole big section for like a tool/work bench. Basically, other than the stupidly high price, the really only negative thing is that the house is oddly placed on the lot. It's a corner lot so 2 sides are on the street and 2 make up the back yard. Well basically the house was built... almost backwards on the lot. Like it needs to be turned 90 degrees so that the garage moves to the OTHER street, and then the grand front entrance would be on the street side were the garage was instead of being in the freaking back yard. It seriously makes no sense. BUT, I didn't really have a problem with it.... mainly it just impacts curb appeal, which should make the house cheaper to me as a buyer! Anyway, we asked the realtor to pull what they think are comps (to compare to what we looked at) because we thought it was overpriced and wanted a second opinion on what the house was actually worth. Depending on what they come back with, we might consider putting an offer in. The question remaining is, why is this guy so overpriced? Based on the sales history it looks like he paid way less for the house than what he's listing it for, so it's not that. I dunno if he's not motivated to sell so he's just sitting on it or what. If nothing happens with this house, we'll continue the search, but we have a very small area we're looking in, so we might just need to wait for more houses to pop up on the market.
But either way, yes, I'm just glad that even though my partners are both working through some struggles to process things, they do at least own that it's their stuff, and they feel bad when it spills over onto me. And I think it's important for me to make sure that they know their feelings are valid and I don't expect them to not have feelings or express them. I just want to make sure they know how those feelings impact me, and that it's not on me to "fix" their feelings (though I'm not against trying something on my end if they think it will help and I'm agreeable to whatever that thing is). So I feel like we're all at least working in the right direction!
Anyway, onto much better things.... Sudo and I looked at 4 houses this weekend!! OMG, house buying is crazy. So we basically went from one house to the next, and these houses were all difference sizes, prices and in different levels of repair.
The first house was smaller, but fairly updated. They even painted the outside a cute color. The layout was a little cooky, but in an old charm sorta way. Basically the house would have needed only minimal work. i.e. it had a kitchenette in the basement that we'd rip out other than maybe the sink area for a little drink bar. Things like that. But, the rooms were on the smaller side and the ceilings were low in the basement. Since both Sudo and RCT are tall, and we also want the basement to be a good play space for kink stuff in the future.... We decided on the drive home after seeing all the houses that it just wasn't for us. Plus, the house was newly on the market and had lots of tours, so it was probably going to sell VERY soon, and we just didn't love it enough to want to jump on it. Cute though it was.
The second house, I'm going to come back to since it was my favorite!
Third house was the house that was the cheapest, but needed the most work. It was a 5 bedroom house but 2 were on the main level. We'd actually want to tear down a bedroom wall to expand the living room into that area and make it a long flowing living/dining room area. That way the tiny kitchen and dining room could be combined into 1 much larger kitchen. The basement mainly just needed basic updating in terms of flooring and wall paneling. Well, and the room down there that could be a bedroom would need to be slightly expanded to add a closet and have the window made a bit bigger to meet bedroom codes. The upstairs was the biggest problem. 2 bedrooms 1 bath up there, so no master bath. We were trying to look at the floor plan to figure out all sorts of ways to reconfigure the space, maybe find a way to add a bathroom since there was a huge landing area at the top of the steps that seemed like wasted space. But no matter how we looked at it, we just couldn't figure it out. I think the only way to fix it would be if we found a way to move the stairs, and I just don't know if that would be a realistic undertaking. Oh, and the bathrooms needed to be updated. Basically, the house was a gut job, but since it was like $200K under our max budget, we were actually figuring that into it when we decided to look at it. It took us a long time, but ultimately we scratched that off the list.
The fourth house we scratched off the list right away. It was just tiny. It had shitty placement in a culd-o-sac so parking the 3 cars that we would all have would have been near impossible, let alone if we had visitors. There was no way to really reconfigure any rooms to make the layout better, it was just... nope!
OK, back to the second house. The second house was MASSIVE. It was also like $10K over our max budget... BUT we looked at comps and think that the house is WAY overpriced, plus it's been on the market since October with no price reductions. The damn house is about 4,000 square feet. I mean, it's a damn BEAST! It was also the newest house, but still not updated. So basically, the house looked great on the outside, and didn't need major work to ever room.... but the kitchen was still almost 20 years old and just looked dated, and so did the bathrooms. BUT, everything was in SUCH good shape that we would be totally happy living with the current set-up for a year or 2 or 3 if we wanted to wait and save up to do updates. Every single bedroom had massive closets. There were enough bedrooms and other spare rooms to have 4 bedrooms, plus an office (or 2) maybe a play room for RCT's kid and his own toys (he's kind of got a thing for those massive K-nex sets.... yeah, he's an adult child. lol). The basement was MASSIVE and had really high ceilings, so basically a nice big second living space. And get this.... a 3 CAR GARAGE! So we could park 2 cars AND still have a whole big section for like a tool/work bench. Basically, other than the stupidly high price, the really only negative thing is that the house is oddly placed on the lot. It's a corner lot so 2 sides are on the street and 2 make up the back yard. Well basically the house was built... almost backwards on the lot. Like it needs to be turned 90 degrees so that the garage moves to the OTHER street, and then the grand front entrance would be on the street side were the garage was instead of being in the freaking back yard. It seriously makes no sense. BUT, I didn't really have a problem with it.... mainly it just impacts curb appeal, which should make the house cheaper to me as a buyer! Anyway, we asked the realtor to pull what they think are comps (to compare to what we looked at) because we thought it was overpriced and wanted a second opinion on what the house was actually worth. Depending on what they come back with, we might consider putting an offer in. The question remaining is, why is this guy so overpriced? Based on the sales history it looks like he paid way less for the house than what he's listing it for, so it's not that. I dunno if he's not motivated to sell so he's just sitting on it or what. If nothing happens with this house, we'll continue the search, but we have a very small area we're looking in, so we might just need to wait for more houses to pop up on the market.
breathemusic
Active member
GAH! So, dentist appointment yesterday to get my refinement started on my invisalign. 15 NEW TRAYS.
F.M.L.
Oh, and 2 more god damned buttons! The only real consolation is that she said since I do so well at wearing my trays as much as possible, I could start changing them every 10 days, so the 15 sets shouldn't take quite as long. But DAMN!
So, house hunting news... yesterday I called my bank to ask about mortgages. I'm excited because my bank doesn't require PMI if we put down at least 5%, which we were going to do more than that, so that will save us quite a bit in our monthly payment and makes this big house more affordable! Plus, their pre-approvals for mortgages are good for 90 days, which is longer than I had thought too and means hopefully not doing it multiple times and having multiple credit pulls. On top of that, I called my life insurance company to ask about cancelling my policy to get the cash payout (adjustable life insurance) and get a term policy instead. Well, it seems I can just pull out all but $500 from the cash benefit and still use that without canceling the policy. So I'd keep paying my premium and it would build back up anyway. It's a great vehicle to use for savings in a more liquid setting, because it's a super old policy from back in the 80's so it has a guaranteed return of 4% minimum, which is less than any bank savings account would give me anyway. It's no substitute for a retirement fund since I expect higher average returns in the market, but it's a decent place to keep just general savings, so I'm glad to be able to pull out my money to use toward the down payment without actually losing the policy! Still gonna have to get another term policy though since the coverage wouldn't be enough to pay for at least half of the house if I died. But I won't need a huge policy. So that was more good news. I'm going to talk to Sudo this weekend, but we're going to do more budget and number crunching to see if we really want to put an offer on this house!
Also, last night I hosted a happy hour for making and writing postcards that could be sent out to representatives. I think we had about 8 people that came out, 3 of them new people that I hadn't met before. It was nice to see new faces and meet new people, but also, one of the guys was cute and poly and kinky and now I've been talking to him on FB so I'll have to see where this takes me! He's already said he's interested in anything from friends, to kink play, to dating, depending on what my level of interest is in him. And he's a switch too, and even teaches some classes at local kink gatherings! I was honest and said that things are crazy right now with schedules and the house hunt and I didn't want to bite off more than I could chew, so I'd like to build a friendship for now, and possibly a play partner (he definitely would be up for teaching me some rope skills, which I'd love to learn), and after that... well we'll just see where things go. He was totally cool with it and not pushy at all, so I'm please with that!
Oh, and the night before, Sudo and I went to a local kink education class that was on knife play! It was great! Neither of us figures we need to do any actual cutting, but knives are awesome for sensual play, light to heavy scratching, and you can even use them with pressure to bruise or use the flat side for impact. I already have a set of "throwing knives" that I use for all this since they have a point, but not a true sharp side, so it would take an insane amount to actually cut someone with. But this was good for learning techniques and covering different types of knives, negotiating scenes, aftercare, etc.
I know Sudo would like to be doing more kink stuff in our play, so the more I can build up some skills so that it feels more natural and less like I need practice or have to worry about if I'm doing something well, or correctly, the better!
F.M.L.
Oh, and 2 more god damned buttons! The only real consolation is that she said since I do so well at wearing my trays as much as possible, I could start changing them every 10 days, so the 15 sets shouldn't take quite as long. But DAMN!
So, house hunting news... yesterday I called my bank to ask about mortgages. I'm excited because my bank doesn't require PMI if we put down at least 5%, which we were going to do more than that, so that will save us quite a bit in our monthly payment and makes this big house more affordable! Plus, their pre-approvals for mortgages are good for 90 days, which is longer than I had thought too and means hopefully not doing it multiple times and having multiple credit pulls. On top of that, I called my life insurance company to ask about cancelling my policy to get the cash payout (adjustable life insurance) and get a term policy instead. Well, it seems I can just pull out all but $500 from the cash benefit and still use that without canceling the policy. So I'd keep paying my premium and it would build back up anyway. It's a great vehicle to use for savings in a more liquid setting, because it's a super old policy from back in the 80's so it has a guaranteed return of 4% minimum, which is less than any bank savings account would give me anyway. It's no substitute for a retirement fund since I expect higher average returns in the market, but it's a decent place to keep just general savings, so I'm glad to be able to pull out my money to use toward the down payment without actually losing the policy! Still gonna have to get another term policy though since the coverage wouldn't be enough to pay for at least half of the house if I died. But I won't need a huge policy. So that was more good news. I'm going to talk to Sudo this weekend, but we're going to do more budget and number crunching to see if we really want to put an offer on this house!
Also, last night I hosted a happy hour for making and writing postcards that could be sent out to representatives. I think we had about 8 people that came out, 3 of them new people that I hadn't met before. It was nice to see new faces and meet new people, but also, one of the guys was cute and poly and kinky and now I've been talking to him on FB so I'll have to see where this takes me! He's already said he's interested in anything from friends, to kink play, to dating, depending on what my level of interest is in him. And he's a switch too, and even teaches some classes at local kink gatherings! I was honest and said that things are crazy right now with schedules and the house hunt and I didn't want to bite off more than I could chew, so I'd like to build a friendship for now, and possibly a play partner (he definitely would be up for teaching me some rope skills, which I'd love to learn), and after that... well we'll just see where things go. He was totally cool with it and not pushy at all, so I'm please with that!
Oh, and the night before, Sudo and I went to a local kink education class that was on knife play! It was great! Neither of us figures we need to do any actual cutting, but knives are awesome for sensual play, light to heavy scratching, and you can even use them with pressure to bruise or use the flat side for impact. I already have a set of "throwing knives" that I use for all this since they have a point, but not a true sharp side, so it would take an insane amount to actually cut someone with. But this was good for learning techniques and covering different types of knives, negotiating scenes, aftercare, etc.
I know Sudo would like to be doing more kink stuff in our play, so the more I can build up some skills so that it feels more natural and less like I need practice or have to worry about if I'm doing something well, or correctly, the better!
breathemusic
Active member
I was away all last week on a work trip and had long days with just no time to really mess with posting, so I guess I have much to catch up on!
So let's see, the work trip was good. It was a leadership program at Duke University and was a good skills building event and we reviewed case studies and it distinguished between leadership vs management. It gave me lots of time to think about big picture stuff at work rather than always focusing on putting out the next fire. Plus, it was just a really great group in that everyone was socializing and getting along. There were several other people there from my large dept at work, but then everyone else was from other companies, etc. We went out to dinner some, drank and socialized in the lobby, and I even ended up making out with one of the guys late thurs night before it was just way too late (4am) and we split up. He clearly wanted to hook up but I wasn't about to go there when I knew Sudo was missing me hard core and I hadn't mentioned anything at all to him about it (seeing as we didn't even start flirting and talking one on one until so late at night that Sudo was asleep). I felt bad though cause I was super hungover on Fri for the return trip and Sudo had this whole plan of wanting to go out for drinks and dinner and play around more with a Bluetooth controlled vibe that I have. But I was just feeling too shitty and tired to want to go out. We played around on Sat though with me topping him for part of the day and then him getting to do whatever he wanted to me later in the day. So it was still a good weekend! It was funny though, cause Sunday morning when we woke up there were toys all over the bedroom, and then went into the bathroom and there were toys in there on the sink and I just laughed and yelled to Sudo "Jesus, there are sex toys everywhere!" and then a few minutes later walked out into the livingroom/kitchen area and was like "there are more in here!" LOL.
We also had some good discussions that weekend about some relationship stuff. Sudo had a good cry that I think he really needed so that he could just let out some emotions stemming from his separation and the way things have gone down in previous relationships. We also talked about certain things that I have done that upset him, and the why behind that. Sadly, they are things that inherently aren't bad, but he draws a parallel to other relationships. For example, he sees that I stay up late when I have a date night with Mr. Hyde, and I've also stayed up late sometime when I go out for social things, but with Sudo, I struggle to stay up with him frequently and I get tired, etc. For him, he sees this as a repeat of what happened with Peach. She would stay up late or be out late when she was with other partners, but with him would always want to go to bed early, and that was something that seemed to kick off the decline of their romantic relationship. Honestly, I think for Peach it probably was her losing sexual interest in Sudo, or being frustrated with him, or whatever. With me, it's that my date night with Mr. Hyde is only once every other week and it starts later at night anyway due to his schedule, so I make a point to stay up with him as late as he is able to stay. And I really don't go out late very frequently in other situations, but when I do, I'm up and about and being active talking, etc. When I'm at home with Sudo, we're sitting on our asses on the couch and cuddling watching TV, the perfect setting for my body to say "oh look, it's bed time!" And on top of that, I'm with Sudo like 5 days a week and I get up about 2 hours earlier than him for work, so YES, I want to go to bed sooner because when I get 2 hours less a night of sleep than he does, I get worn out quickly and start to get all droopy. He only sees the action though and has a bad reaction, and struggles to convince himself that the circumstances are entirely different, so me being tired more around him than others really ISN'T a sign of me being unhappy. So some of what we talked through was things like that where I made a point to validate his feelings and say that I would work to try and keep in mind the things that I do that hit those sensitive buttons, but that I also need him to try to remember and remind himself that I'm not Peach, and even if I do something that she or some other ex did that for them was a bad sign, that doesn't mean that for me it's a bad sign, and that there might be a completely legitimate reason.
Really, I wonder if this stuff would bother him at all if he wasn't fresh off of the separation and not having the dogs and just going through this rough time where those little things are now probably much more triggering.
Either way, I'm glad we had the discussion and that Sudo was able to just let out some feelings. He tries so hard to keep it all in, but I don't want him to. That's not healthy and I want him to be comfortable sharing stuff like that with me and not worry that I'm going to react poorly (as I believe Peach has probably done in the past to make him wary of sharing).
Anyway, other things. House stuff! So we went back to the Narnia house again for a second tour to take a few more pics and be sure we're interested in making an offer. Plus, we actually drove there Mon morning before work and I walked to the metro from the house and went to work from there to see if I would actually be ok with the commute, since it is longer for me. It really wasn't all that bad, which was good to know. I told myself I thought it would be fine, but hadn't really tested it out, so I really needed to know for sure if living that much further out of the city would be sustainable for me. So now we're gathering our docs to get preapproved from my bank and I'm going to see if I can set up an apt with a loan officer for tomorrow or something!
Monday we'll meet with the realtor to put together an offer and are also going to tour 1 more house (since there's no guarantee we'll get this one). Plus, Sudo and I played with our budgets in a bit more detail to get a sense of what our combined budget would look like when we took into account having RCT rent from us vs not, getting rental income from Sudo's current house vs not, etc. That way we could be super confident that we could afford everything even if RCT eventually moved out and maybe there was a break in tenants at Sudo's house, etc. But we're good!
ok, to be continued later...
So let's see, the work trip was good. It was a leadership program at Duke University and was a good skills building event and we reviewed case studies and it distinguished between leadership vs management. It gave me lots of time to think about big picture stuff at work rather than always focusing on putting out the next fire. Plus, it was just a really great group in that everyone was socializing and getting along. There were several other people there from my large dept at work, but then everyone else was from other companies, etc. We went out to dinner some, drank and socialized in the lobby, and I even ended up making out with one of the guys late thurs night before it was just way too late (4am) and we split up. He clearly wanted to hook up but I wasn't about to go there when I knew Sudo was missing me hard core and I hadn't mentioned anything at all to him about it (seeing as we didn't even start flirting and talking one on one until so late at night that Sudo was asleep). I felt bad though cause I was super hungover on Fri for the return trip and Sudo had this whole plan of wanting to go out for drinks and dinner and play around more with a Bluetooth controlled vibe that I have. But I was just feeling too shitty and tired to want to go out. We played around on Sat though with me topping him for part of the day and then him getting to do whatever he wanted to me later in the day. So it was still a good weekend! It was funny though, cause Sunday morning when we woke up there were toys all over the bedroom, and then went into the bathroom and there were toys in there on the sink and I just laughed and yelled to Sudo "Jesus, there are sex toys everywhere!" and then a few minutes later walked out into the livingroom/kitchen area and was like "there are more in here!" LOL.
We also had some good discussions that weekend about some relationship stuff. Sudo had a good cry that I think he really needed so that he could just let out some emotions stemming from his separation and the way things have gone down in previous relationships. We also talked about certain things that I have done that upset him, and the why behind that. Sadly, they are things that inherently aren't bad, but he draws a parallel to other relationships. For example, he sees that I stay up late when I have a date night with Mr. Hyde, and I've also stayed up late sometime when I go out for social things, but with Sudo, I struggle to stay up with him frequently and I get tired, etc. For him, he sees this as a repeat of what happened with Peach. She would stay up late or be out late when she was with other partners, but with him would always want to go to bed early, and that was something that seemed to kick off the decline of their romantic relationship. Honestly, I think for Peach it probably was her losing sexual interest in Sudo, or being frustrated with him, or whatever. With me, it's that my date night with Mr. Hyde is only once every other week and it starts later at night anyway due to his schedule, so I make a point to stay up with him as late as he is able to stay. And I really don't go out late very frequently in other situations, but when I do, I'm up and about and being active talking, etc. When I'm at home with Sudo, we're sitting on our asses on the couch and cuddling watching TV, the perfect setting for my body to say "oh look, it's bed time!" And on top of that, I'm with Sudo like 5 days a week and I get up about 2 hours earlier than him for work, so YES, I want to go to bed sooner because when I get 2 hours less a night of sleep than he does, I get worn out quickly and start to get all droopy. He only sees the action though and has a bad reaction, and struggles to convince himself that the circumstances are entirely different, so me being tired more around him than others really ISN'T a sign of me being unhappy. So some of what we talked through was things like that where I made a point to validate his feelings and say that I would work to try and keep in mind the things that I do that hit those sensitive buttons, but that I also need him to try to remember and remind himself that I'm not Peach, and even if I do something that she or some other ex did that for them was a bad sign, that doesn't mean that for me it's a bad sign, and that there might be a completely legitimate reason.
Really, I wonder if this stuff would bother him at all if he wasn't fresh off of the separation and not having the dogs and just going through this rough time where those little things are now probably much more triggering.
Either way, I'm glad we had the discussion and that Sudo was able to just let out some feelings. He tries so hard to keep it all in, but I don't want him to. That's not healthy and I want him to be comfortable sharing stuff like that with me and not worry that I'm going to react poorly (as I believe Peach has probably done in the past to make him wary of sharing).
Anyway, other things. House stuff! So we went back to the Narnia house again for a second tour to take a few more pics and be sure we're interested in making an offer. Plus, we actually drove there Mon morning before work and I walked to the metro from the house and went to work from there to see if I would actually be ok with the commute, since it is longer for me. It really wasn't all that bad, which was good to know. I told myself I thought it would be fine, but hadn't really tested it out, so I really needed to know for sure if living that much further out of the city would be sustainable for me. So now we're gathering our docs to get preapproved from my bank and I'm going to see if I can set up an apt with a loan officer for tomorrow or something!
Monday we'll meet with the realtor to put together an offer and are also going to tour 1 more house (since there's no guarantee we'll get this one). Plus, Sudo and I played with our budgets in a bit more detail to get a sense of what our combined budget would look like when we took into account having RCT rent from us vs not, getting rental income from Sudo's current house vs not, etc. That way we could be super confident that we could afford everything even if RCT eventually moved out and maybe there was a break in tenants at Sudo's house, etc. But we're good!
ok, to be continued later...
breathemusic
Active member
Sooooo much has been going on, life has just been crazy!
So first things first.... I think I just bought a house, y'all! Sudo and I signed the final contract paperwork so we're just waiting for the seller to sign and return, but verbally there has already been agreement and we've negotiated everything with the realtors. How crazy!! It worked out since our highest that we were willing to pay for the house was the seller's lowest that they were willing to go. I definitely don't really feel like we overpaid though and I think that the house will likely appraise for higher than what we're actually paying for it. The big thing is just that the kitchen and bathrooms need to be updated. This is the house that in a previous blog I mentioned that we've been calling the Narnia house. It's 4000 sq feet, 4 GINORMOUS bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms, 3 car garage, fenced in back yard, massive basement with high ceilings, huge closets, etc. While I'm sad to be moving out of DC and into the burbs, I can definitely still walk to the metro, so even though I'll have a longer commute, I don't have to feel like I'm completely removed from the city. And Sudo and I have decided that we're going to put less down than originally planned to free up cash flow for the renovations. Fortunately, my bank doesn't charge PMI as long as you put down at least 5%, so that's saving us quite a chunk of change!
I think for starters we'll just get the house painted, and move in and just live in the house for a few months before we figure out the reno. We've got some ideas swirling in our heads, but it will probably be done in stages. The house is in fantastic condition though, so none of the renovations are really needed until we want to do them. I'm so excited! We offered a 60 day closing, which wasn't a problem, so this will give us plenty of time to plan out moving 2 households, packing, prepping Sudo's place to be rented, etc.
Of course, we still have to go through the inspection and all those other things, but frankly, this owner seemed to keep the house in great shape, it was built in 1998, so no issues of older homes, and other than just getting through the time and steps, I don't forsee any problems. EEEEEKKKKK!!
So first things first.... I think I just bought a house, y'all! Sudo and I signed the final contract paperwork so we're just waiting for the seller to sign and return, but verbally there has already been agreement and we've negotiated everything with the realtors. How crazy!! It worked out since our highest that we were willing to pay for the house was the seller's lowest that they were willing to go. I definitely don't really feel like we overpaid though and I think that the house will likely appraise for higher than what we're actually paying for it. The big thing is just that the kitchen and bathrooms need to be updated. This is the house that in a previous blog I mentioned that we've been calling the Narnia house. It's 4000 sq feet, 4 GINORMOUS bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms, 3 car garage, fenced in back yard, massive basement with high ceilings, huge closets, etc. While I'm sad to be moving out of DC and into the burbs, I can definitely still walk to the metro, so even though I'll have a longer commute, I don't have to feel like I'm completely removed from the city. And Sudo and I have decided that we're going to put less down than originally planned to free up cash flow for the renovations. Fortunately, my bank doesn't charge PMI as long as you put down at least 5%, so that's saving us quite a chunk of change!
I think for starters we'll just get the house painted, and move in and just live in the house for a few months before we figure out the reno. We've got some ideas swirling in our heads, but it will probably be done in stages. The house is in fantastic condition though, so none of the renovations are really needed until we want to do them. I'm so excited! We offered a 60 day closing, which wasn't a problem, so this will give us plenty of time to plan out moving 2 households, packing, prepping Sudo's place to be rented, etc.
Of course, we still have to go through the inspection and all those other things, but frankly, this owner seemed to keep the house in great shape, it was built in 1998, so no issues of older homes, and other than just getting through the time and steps, I don't forsee any problems. EEEEEKKKKK!!
breathemusic
Active member
Ok, so other big things, is that Sudo and I spent all weekend at a big kink event here in the City. We didn't have a room at the hotel since we could just cab back and forth for less money, but basically the hotel is bought out by this kink organization and all of the ballrooms and splinter rooms are set up as play spaces and during the day they have various educational classes that you can go to. So we took some classes on rope and now I've been practicing tying Sudo up He took a wax play class so that we could start using the wax making materials that we've had for a while. He took some classes on service submission while I took some on topping, and all sorts of other stuff. We also had a friend who was attending that does fire play, so during the last evening I did a fire scene with him which was great and felt like an amazing massage. I've done it before with this guy and trust him since he's not only been doing fire play for 5 years, but is actually a fire fighter. So he knows his way around a flame.
Sudo and I did a lovely scene one of the evenings where I did lots of impact and had him tied down and some edge play with my claws and other pointy objects. I ended up scratching a heart into his ass, which I tend to do all the time on his butt or hip since I think it's cute. But another friend of ours from the poly community who was attending watched most of our scene and enjoyed the show. Oh, and we all saw a for real gang bang. Let me tell you it was poorly organized and they picked a bad surface (too squishy of a cushion) so really I thought there was just too much stopping and starting and pausing to adjust things for it to be that great. But either way, it was amazing to just be surrounded by all that moaning and screaming and sex and kink. Talk about sensory overload!!
The toughest part about the whole weekend was being there and seeing Mr. Hyde and not really being able to interact with him much. I did talk to him VERY briefly a few times, and I was glad that he and Sudo finally met (though I can't say that they really exchanged all that much convo, it was more like a hi, nice to meet you kinda thing). But there are just so many feels going on with Sudo right now and his discomfort around my D/s dynamic with Mr. Hyde that he really wasn't comfortable with me going off and doing my own thing with Mr. Hyde at all during the weekend. Given that this was both of ours first big even like this, I was ok with basically taking the stance that we are there together as a couple. But I think that in the future, I'm not going to be ok with such strict limitations. I need to be able to take all of my relationships into account and not ignore one for the sake of the other. And I know that in time this shouldn't be a problem, and this was a first time big deal, so I was ok to accommodate. But it was still much harder than I thought it would be to know I just had to walk away and couldn't enjoy both of my partners.
This weekend was also a clear eye opener for me that Sudo and I just aren't on the same page in terms of the speed that we're moving in the kink scene and maybe some of the things we want to accomplish. I still think that we are on an amazing journey together exploring kinks and growing our kink dynamic. I completely love that about him and us and am so happy that we're spending time learning more and doing these sorts of things. But I don't think that this kink journey is all about "us" and is not just "our" journey. I think we also each have our own individual journey as well, so there is exploring and growing that we should be doing on our own too. I'm much more comfortable with jumping into public play, and playing with others, and doing casual play. Sudo is clearly much more reserved about that sort of thing. And that's fine, I certainly don't want to rush his pace and he needs to do what he's into and not be forced into anything else.... but I need to be able to pursue the interests that I have and explore the kink stuff that I want to, and I don't want to feel like I need his approval or ok for that, because it's my business. And frankly, quite a bit of that learning and exploring that I want to do is so that I can build skills that I would take back and use with "us." Not all, of course, some of it is just wanting to have a little fun playing with others (play not necessarily meaning sexual, though it can be, depending on the kink).
Either way, we both walked away from the event having a really good time, learning ton, and also taking in many things to just digest and think over. I know we will have more big talks about this stuff over the weeks to come, but for now, we're messing with the house crap and this weekend Peach is up with the dogs for a weekend visit. So it will have to wait at least until after this weekend. More than ever, I just love Sudo and want to continue growing our life together, even if that also means growing our individual lives at the same time. I wish he understood how much I love him! (believe me, I tell him, he's just stubborn!)
He took a wax play class so that we could start using the wax making materials that we've had for a while. He took some classes on service submission while I took some on topping, and all sorts of other stuff. We also had a friend who was attending that does fire play, so during the last evening I did a fire scene with him which was great and felt like an amazing massage. I've done it before with this guy and trust him since he's not only been doing fire play for 5 years, but is actually a fire fighter. So he knows his way around a flame.Sudo and I did a lovely scene one of the evenings where I did lots of impact and had him tied down and some edge play with my claws and other pointy objects. I ended up scratching a heart into his ass, which I tend to do all the time on his butt or hip since I think it's cute. But another friend of ours from the poly community who was attending watched most of our scene and enjoyed the show. Oh, and we all saw a for real gang bang. Let me tell you it was poorly organized and they picked a bad surface (too squishy of a cushion) so really I thought there was just too much stopping and starting and pausing to adjust things for it to be that great. But either way, it was amazing to just be surrounded by all that moaning and screaming and sex and kink. Talk about sensory overload!!
The toughest part about the whole weekend was being there and seeing Mr. Hyde and not really being able to interact with him much. I did talk to him VERY briefly a few times, and I was glad that he and Sudo finally met (though I can't say that they really exchanged all that much convo, it was more like a hi, nice to meet you kinda thing). But there are just so many feels going on with Sudo right now and his discomfort around my D/s dynamic with Mr. Hyde that he really wasn't comfortable with me going off and doing my own thing with Mr. Hyde at all during the weekend. Given that this was both of ours first big even like this, I was ok with basically taking the stance that we are there together as a couple. But I think that in the future, I'm not going to be ok with such strict limitations. I need to be able to take all of my relationships into account and not ignore one for the sake of the other. And I know that in time this shouldn't be a problem, and this was a first time big deal, so I was ok to accommodate. But it was still much harder than I thought it would be to know I just had to walk away and couldn't enjoy both of my partners.
This weekend was also a clear eye opener for me that Sudo and I just aren't on the same page in terms of the speed that we're moving in the kink scene and maybe some of the things we want to accomplish. I still think that we are on an amazing journey together exploring kinks and growing our kink dynamic. I completely love that about him and us and am so happy that we're spending time learning more and doing these sorts of things. But I don't think that this kink journey is all about "us" and is not just "our" journey. I think we also each have our own individual journey as well, so there is exploring and growing that we should be doing on our own too. I'm much more comfortable with jumping into public play, and playing with others, and doing casual play. Sudo is clearly much more reserved about that sort of thing. And that's fine, I certainly don't want to rush his pace and he needs to do what he's into and not be forced into anything else.... but I need to be able to pursue the interests that I have and explore the kink stuff that I want to, and I don't want to feel like I need his approval or ok for that, because it's my business. And frankly, quite a bit of that learning and exploring that I want to do is so that I can build skills that I would take back and use with "us." Not all, of course, some of it is just wanting to have a little fun playing with others (play not necessarily meaning sexual, though it can be, depending on the kink).
Either way, we both walked away from the event having a really good time, learning ton, and also taking in many things to just digest and think over. I know we will have more big talks about this stuff over the weeks to come, but for now, we're messing with the house crap and this weekend Peach is up with the dogs for a weekend visit. So it will have to wait at least until after this weekend. More than ever, I just love Sudo and want to continue growing our life together, even if that also means growing our individual lives at the same time. I wish he understood how much I love him! (believe me, I tell him, he's just stubborn!)
breathemusic
Active member
The house is officially under contract!! Assuming that the seller/listing agent have no issues with us getting into the house, we have the inspection scheduled for this Sunday when we're also hoping to do another house tour so that Peach and RCT can see it.
Sudo, that wonderful man, has already started a word document breaking down the different rooms/areas of the house and listing changes that we would want to make so that we can start tracking things!
I told my mom a bit about it last night too and she said she's excited for me and offered her services if there's anything we need help with, but especially if we want to make any landscape changes since my mom used to own a plant nursery and has a horticulture degree. She's great at that sort of thing!
Sudo, that wonderful man, has already started a word document breaking down the different rooms/areas of the house and listing changes that we would want to make so that we can start tracking things!
I told my mom a bit about it last night too and she said she's excited for me and offered her services if there's anything we need help with, but especially if we want to make any landscape changes since my mom used to own a plant nursery and has a horticulture degree. She's great at that sort of thing!
breathemusic
Active member
Such a busy weekend!
Friday night after work I met up with Sudo, Peach, and RCT for dinner. Peach came up for the weekend and brought the dogs so we all got doggie visitation, which was nice. And it's always great to see Peach too. Her and I get along so well!
Saturday, I spent the day in DC with my mom, her cousin, and her daughter (my cousin) who is about my age. We took a tour of the capitol building, got lunch, hit a Smithsonian museum, and then went for a drink and some food before heading home. I was beat after a day of walking around. Which seems silly but life has just been exhausting lately!
Anyway, I got to show mom pics of the house and tell her all about that too, and she's excited for me. By the time I got back to Sudo's I just vegged on the couch. Of course, I came home to 4 dozen red and yellow roses that he'd picked up for me at Costco, which was lovely!! It was his make-up for not getting me flowers for Valentine's (1 of my 3 mandatory flower days of the year. LOL) since he hates that they overcharge for flowers then. I definitely wasn't expecting that many! But then when I heard him and RCT talking about buying new, bigger TV and wanting to wire my new living room in the new house for 7 speaker surround sound, I started to think the flowers might also be part bribe! Anyway, I shot down that speaker nonsense for now since I'm not willing to hang a billion speakers from my nice new living room. That is something we can maybe address later.
We DID, however, go back to Costco on Sunday first thing and pick up a new 70 inch TV. Peach was taking the living room TV and her and Sudo had in the house back with her, so we needed a new one. We new she was taking it eventually, but they had talked about stuff and figured she might as well just take it while she was up here. So then we all did brunch and went to the new house so that Peach and RCT could tour it before the home inspector showed up. Once Peach took a tour, she hit the road with the doggos and then the inspector arrived and we continued with our 4 hour home inspection where the guy was VERY thorough and went over every inch of the house! Luckily, there was nothing major. A few things that we'll bring up with the sellers and we'll probably try to ask for a small credit to cover a few little repairs, but nothing earth shattering. The biggest concern at this point is a few spots in the attic and other areas where there is evidence of possibly an old leak or some repairs from minor water damage in the garage wall. So we need to find out of that's old and was repaired or if that's something that hasn't been addressed and will require repair. So that is really the 1 kinda big thing to note (though the damage was SUPER minimal). Everything else was little stuff. Whew!
After the inspection, we made a quick grocery store run and then came home and the guys started setting up the new TV, which is comically HUGE for the living room at Sudo's current house. It didn't even fit on the damn TV stand and they had to lay down some boards across the top so that the TV feet would fit. It looks absolutely stupid and I'm so glad it's only temporary for another 6-8 weeks. At the new place, the TV will be mounted on the wall and the living room is much larger so it will all be proportional. Sigh. Men and their electronics
Friday night after work I met up with Sudo, Peach, and RCT for dinner. Peach came up for the weekend and brought the dogs so we all got doggie visitation, which was nice. And it's always great to see Peach too. Her and I get along so well!
Saturday, I spent the day in DC with my mom, her cousin, and her daughter (my cousin) who is about my age. We took a tour of the capitol building, got lunch, hit a Smithsonian museum, and then went for a drink and some food before heading home. I was beat after a day of walking around. Which seems silly but life has just been exhausting lately!
Anyway, I got to show mom pics of the house and tell her all about that too, and she's excited for me. By the time I got back to Sudo's I just vegged on the couch. Of course, I came home to 4 dozen red and yellow roses that he'd picked up for me at Costco, which was lovely!! It was his make-up for not getting me flowers for Valentine's (1 of my 3 mandatory flower days of the year. LOL) since he hates that they overcharge for flowers then. I definitely wasn't expecting that many! But then when I heard him and RCT talking about buying new, bigger TV and wanting to wire my new living room in the new house for 7 speaker surround sound, I started to think the flowers might also be part bribe! Anyway, I shot down that speaker nonsense for now since I'm not willing to hang a billion speakers from my nice new living room. That is something we can maybe address later.
We DID, however, go back to Costco on Sunday first thing and pick up a new 70 inch TV. Peach was taking the living room TV and her and Sudo had in the house back with her, so we needed a new one. We new she was taking it eventually, but they had talked about stuff and figured she might as well just take it while she was up here. So then we all did brunch and went to the new house so that Peach and RCT could tour it before the home inspector showed up. Once Peach took a tour, she hit the road with the doggos and then the inspector arrived and we continued with our 4 hour home inspection where the guy was VERY thorough and went over every inch of the house! Luckily, there was nothing major. A few things that we'll bring up with the sellers and we'll probably try to ask for a small credit to cover a few little repairs, but nothing earth shattering. The biggest concern at this point is a few spots in the attic and other areas where there is evidence of possibly an old leak or some repairs from minor water damage in the garage wall. So we need to find out of that's old and was repaired or if that's something that hasn't been addressed and will require repair. So that is really the 1 kinda big thing to note (though the damage was SUPER minimal). Everything else was little stuff. Whew!
After the inspection, we made a quick grocery store run and then came home and the guys started setting up the new TV, which is comically HUGE for the living room at Sudo's current house. It didn't even fit on the damn TV stand and they had to lay down some boards across the top so that the TV feet would fit. It looks absolutely stupid and I'm so glad it's only temporary for another 6-8 weeks. At the new place, the TV will be mounted on the wall and the living room is much larger so it will all be proportional. Sigh. Men and their electronics
breathemusic
Active member
So the house things are in motion!
Closing has been adjusted to April 7th (a Friday) and right now the plan is that over that weekend we'll change the locks, get the internet/wifi set up, rip out the carpet on the second floor, and start replacing all of the ugly tan outlets with white ones so that the outlets and face plates are the same color). Oh, and we also need to take any nails and other things our of any walls, or whatnot throughout the house if we want the painters to fill holes and do touch up. So then that Sunday or Monday the painters can come in and spend a few days painting the bedrooms and hallway upstairs (we're not having them bother to paint the bathrooms since we want to update those in the future anyway), and after that we can spend a long weekend installing around 1,000 square feet of engineered hardwood flooring ourselves.... fun?
Then the following week, we'll buy and install blinds/curtains in the bedrooms and living room, replace the ancient thermostat, replace RCT's bedroom fan, and get the can lights installed in the master bedroom. Depending on time, there are a million other little things here and there that we'll do as well. But then, that Friday, movers will move all of Sudo and RCT's stuff from Sudo's townhouse and the storage unit that RCT has.
After they move in, I figure the next 2 weeks will be unpacking and them getting Sudo's townhouse ready to rent. He needs to have stretched, or more likely just replace the carpet in the 3 bedrooms in his place, get those rooms painted, and just do a few other little tweaks that will take some coordination of contractors. And we're gone for a long weekend on a cabin trip the weekend between those 2 weeks, which is also the weekend before I would move. So I would have to somehow be packing up my place during those 2 weeks as well.
So Much to do! And wow, money to spend! We're putting $31.5k down on the house, and then will probably have another $12-15k in closing costs. And then all of our initial repairs and moving we estimate will be another $12-15K. Yikes! But that basically eats up the $60-65K that we had budgeted for any combination of down payment/renovation expenses for the new house. After that, we just have to start saving up again so that we can eventually fund the kitchen renovation. Hopefully that will happen in about a year.... but I think that reno might end up being much more than we expected since now we're talking about closing up a window and such. Sooo..... maybe more than a year out.
Now I just need to figure out this photobucket thing so that I can start posting pics!
Closing has been adjusted to April 7th (a Friday) and right now the plan is that over that weekend we'll change the locks, get the internet/wifi set up, rip out the carpet on the second floor, and start replacing all of the ugly tan outlets with white ones so that the outlets and face plates are the same color). Oh, and we also need to take any nails and other things our of any walls, or whatnot throughout the house if we want the painters to fill holes and do touch up. So then that Sunday or Monday the painters can come in and spend a few days painting the bedrooms and hallway upstairs (we're not having them bother to paint the bathrooms since we want to update those in the future anyway), and after that we can spend a long weekend installing around 1,000 square feet of engineered hardwood flooring ourselves.... fun?
Then the following week, we'll buy and install blinds/curtains in the bedrooms and living room, replace the ancient thermostat, replace RCT's bedroom fan, and get the can lights installed in the master bedroom. Depending on time, there are a million other little things here and there that we'll do as well. But then, that Friday, movers will move all of Sudo and RCT's stuff from Sudo's townhouse and the storage unit that RCT has.
After they move in, I figure the next 2 weeks will be unpacking and them getting Sudo's townhouse ready to rent. He needs to have stretched, or more likely just replace the carpet in the 3 bedrooms in his place, get those rooms painted, and just do a few other little tweaks that will take some coordination of contractors. And we're gone for a long weekend on a cabin trip the weekend between those 2 weeks, which is also the weekend before I would move. So I would have to somehow be packing up my place during those 2 weeks as well.
So Much to do! And wow, money to spend! We're putting $31.5k down on the house, and then will probably have another $12-15k in closing costs. And then all of our initial repairs and moving we estimate will be another $12-15K. Yikes! But that basically eats up the $60-65K that we had budgeted for any combination of down payment/renovation expenses for the new house. After that, we just have to start saving up again so that we can eventually fund the kitchen renovation. Hopefully that will happen in about a year.... but I think that reno might end up being much more than we expected since now we're talking about closing up a window and such. Sooo..... maybe more than a year out.
Now I just need to figure out this photobucket thing so that I can start posting pics!
Bluebird
Well-known member
Yeah, that money goes soooo quick! I can't believe how much we've spent and how little it seems to have accomplished. Lol Plus, it's crazypants how many projects are now on our to-do list, that each cost anywhere from $2,000-$6,000. They're all exciting to think about though, so there's that, at least!
I answered you in my blog about how to post with Photobucket! Another thing though, you can only add 5 pictures per post.
I answered you in my blog about how to post with Photobucket!
Another thing though, you can only add 5 pictures per post.breathemusic
Active member
Testing... testing...
Gonna attempt to use the photobucket links to upload photos. Here are pics of all the animals!
Here's Mr. Zeek:
And this monster is Sugar:
Here's Leonidas!
And last but not least, Sudo and Peach's dogs: Bodhi and Puck (in that order from left to right)
Gonna attempt to use the photobucket links to upload photos. Here are pics of all the animals!
Here's Mr. Zeek:
And this monster is Sugar:
Here's Leonidas!
And last but not least, Sudo and Peach's dogs: Bodhi and Puck (in that order from left to right)
Last edited:
breathemusic
Active member
We've now negotiated the seller credit after having the inspection, so the contract is finalized and we can get on with the home purchase. Of course, I'm now realizing that I screwed up and my half of the earnest money deposit wasn't sent over a wire transfer, but a regular slow online thing that is taking days to process. Should have been done last week so I hope that doesn't mess up the contract for any reason. It will get there eventually!
Sudo and I spent Friday calling insurance companies and getting quotes to combine our car insurance policies and get house insurance. Looks like we're going with Geico and both changing over from our current companies! We also went and looked at hardwood samples at both home depot and an actual flooring store. We want to check out Lowes as a comparison, but we'll probably make a final decision on the flooring in the next week. Luckily, one of RCT's friends loves design stuff. So she was over for dinner last night with all of us and she was just going to town looking at paint colors and making recommendations about the flooring samples and such! So now assuming we don't end up changing up our floor choice, we have paint colors picked for the master bedroom, and the main color that will be for the hallway and the rest of the house (other than RCT and his daughter's rooms). I can see that she'll be coming in handy as we slowly continue to update and design the house.
Over the weekend Sudo and I also went to a housewarming party for a friend in the poly and kink communities who lives right down the road from Sudo. He just moved apartments so it was nice to actually hang out with him in a social level that wasn't just in a huge gathering at an event, since this was just a small group of friends for a last minute thing at his place. We even stopped into another friend's play party after that, but he was busy doing a scene, and we only knew 1 or 2 other people there, so it was kinda intimidating and awkward, so we didn't stay for too long. This was the first of his monthly play parties that we'd attended though, so it was nice to just scope out what the deal was for future reference!
Interesting story about the friend that had the housewarming party. He is starting a local poly discussion group in his area. We are all part of an online poly community in this area, and there are already 2 people in the group that host local poly discussion groups, but they're on the opposite side of the region that we cover. So our friend wanted to start one in his area for all of the people (himself included) not wanting to travel so far to attend the other one. Well he mentioned the woman that host's one of the other ones, and that happens to by Sudo's ex that we have had the drama with. Well he volunteered on his own that he has his issues with her so for his own reasons doesn't want to attend her discussion group (we were the first to show up so this was only a convo between the 3 of us). But we were like "oh really? She happen's to be Sudo's ex... so we've had our own drama! And we ended up having some conversation that made it abundantly clear that in our friend's words.... she crazy.
All of that makes me feel SO much better about how all of this went down. That it wasn't just me, or even just Sudo and I together not treating her fairly or whatever. Which actually remind me of a recent convo with Peach where the ex came up and Peach told me that when Sudo started dating me and her and I ended up getting along so well SHE also just felt SO relieved to know that the issues that she and the ex had really were about the ex and that this wasn't going to be something where she was just always going to have a problem with anyone Sudo dated. So here I am in the same boat thinking "Oh wow. I'm so glad it's not just US and that we're a toxic polycule or Sudo is just a bad hinge, or who knows what." Realistically, I felt like it probably wasn't us and that she was being unreasonable, but it's easy to have some niggling doubts. Now I feel no doubt at all. Sure, I still think Sudo could stand to improve on his communication skill no matter what, but also.... she crazy.
Sudo and I spent Friday calling insurance companies and getting quotes to combine our car insurance policies and get house insurance. Looks like we're going with Geico and both changing over from our current companies! We also went and looked at hardwood samples at both home depot and an actual flooring store. We want to check out Lowes as a comparison, but we'll probably make a final decision on the flooring in the next week. Luckily, one of RCT's friends loves design stuff. So she was over for dinner last night with all of us and she was just going to town looking at paint colors and making recommendations about the flooring samples and such! So now assuming we don't end up changing up our floor choice, we have paint colors picked for the master bedroom, and the main color that will be for the hallway and the rest of the house (other than RCT and his daughter's rooms). I can see that she'll be coming in handy as we slowly continue to update and design the house.
Over the weekend Sudo and I also went to a housewarming party for a friend in the poly and kink communities who lives right down the road from Sudo. He just moved apartments so it was nice to actually hang out with him in a social level that wasn't just in a huge gathering at an event, since this was just a small group of friends for a last minute thing at his place. We even stopped into another friend's play party after that, but he was busy doing a scene, and we only knew 1 or 2 other people there, so it was kinda intimidating and awkward, so we didn't stay for too long. This was the first of his monthly play parties that we'd attended though, so it was nice to just scope out what the deal was for future reference!
Interesting story about the friend that had the housewarming party. He is starting a local poly discussion group in his area. We are all part of an online poly community in this area, and there are already 2 people in the group that host local poly discussion groups, but they're on the opposite side of the region that we cover. So our friend wanted to start one in his area for all of the people (himself included) not wanting to travel so far to attend the other one. Well he mentioned the woman that host's one of the other ones, and that happens to by Sudo's ex that we have had the drama with. Well he volunteered on his own that he has his issues with her so for his own reasons doesn't want to attend her discussion group (we were the first to show up so this was only a convo between the 3 of us). But we were like "oh really? She happen's to be Sudo's ex... so we've had our own drama! And we ended up having some conversation that made it abundantly clear that in our friend's words.... she crazy.
All of that makes me feel SO much better about how all of this went down. That it wasn't just me, or even just Sudo and I together not treating her fairly or whatever. Which actually remind me of a recent convo with Peach where the ex came up and Peach told me that when Sudo started dating me and her and I ended up getting along so well SHE also just felt SO relieved to know that the issues that she and the ex had really were about the ex and that this wasn't going to be something where she was just always going to have a problem with anyone Sudo dated. So here I am in the same boat thinking "Oh wow. I'm so glad it's not just US and that we're a toxic polycule or Sudo is just a bad hinge, or who knows what." Realistically, I felt like it probably wasn't us and that she was being unreasonable, but it's easy to have some niggling doubts. Now I feel no doubt at all. Sure, I still think Sudo could stand to improve on his communication skill no matter what, but also.... she crazy.
breathemusic
Active member
Time to start slowly going through my things and getting rid of stuff. My china and china cabinet that I got from my grandma after she passed are getting sold/donated. I never use the china and realistically I'll eventually probably also inherit my other grandma AND my mom's china... I don't need more china. The cabinet has been scratched up by the cats prior to when I got them declawed, and it's also just not my style. Nor do I need a china cabinet if I have no china.
Eventually, my few other dishes will also go since they're just some cheap stuff I had in college. At some point I need to go through and get rid of most of my actual kitchen things. What I will keep is my nice knife set and my nice pots and pans. I'll keep any utensils that aren't duplicates (if we need more spatulas and such).
I think that eventually some of my book shelves can go, but I'm going to hold off until after the move just in case. My cats are assholes about knocking books off shelves, so we might need them since they have glass doors.
I'm using an old trunk as my coffee table, but that can go since we have enough coffee tables between all of us. My shelving unit in the bathroom can just be trashed since it's old and a bit rusty in spots. Oh right, and I can sell my bar stools too that sit at my kitchen island. Outside of that, I think most things are moving. It's not like I had a ton of furniture to begin with!
Realistically, I think in time we'll replace a decent amount of furniture. My couch has been torn up by the cats, but it's functional for now and will be useful in the basement until we want to buy something better, etc. At this point, so much of our stuff doesn't really match and doesn't have any particular style. We need to just live in the house and eventually decorate room by room to get things in order!
Eventually, my few other dishes will also go since they're just some cheap stuff I had in college. At some point I need to go through and get rid of most of my actual kitchen things. What I will keep is my nice knife set and my nice pots and pans. I'll keep any utensils that aren't duplicates (if we need more spatulas and such).
I think that eventually some of my book shelves can go, but I'm going to hold off until after the move just in case. My cats are assholes about knocking books off shelves, so we might need them since they have glass doors.
I'm using an old trunk as my coffee table, but that can go since we have enough coffee tables between all of us. My shelving unit in the bathroom can just be trashed since it's old and a bit rusty in spots. Oh right, and I can sell my bar stools too that sit at my kitchen island. Outside of that, I think most things are moving. It's not like I had a ton of furniture to begin with!
Realistically, I think in time we'll replace a decent amount of furniture. My couch has been torn up by the cats, but it's functional for now and will be useful in the basement until we want to buy something better, etc. At this point, so much of our stuff doesn't really match and doesn't have any particular style. We need to just live in the house and eventually decorate room by room to get things in order!
breathemusic
Active member
Upsetting but hopefully somewhat productive evening last night. Backstory.... Sudo and I go to a monthly D/s discussion group and at this last one I talked to him afterwards about how I think we need to have some better negotiations about what we really want our ideal D/s dynamic to look like and make sure we're on the same page. We've been floundering, partly because of just being busy with life, partly because I think we both are trying to figure out what we actually want since we're new to D/s so this whole process has been a bit of trial and error to see what we like, what works, what doesn't.
So Wed night I have date night with Mr. Hyde and don't check my phone, but at the end of the night I always message Sudo goodnight. Well I have messages from him that "we need to talk" cause he's still struggling with the feels, but also he agrees that we're not on the same page with the D/s stuff and other things. But also that he didn't want to talk about it at my place the next night because he wanted to be able to just have a relaxing evening with me. WHA?!
So I told him yesterday that while we didn't have to talk about it that night, in the future I really wanted him to wait and talk to me about stuff when he had the ability to talk about it, not spring the "we need to talk" words but then follow that up with "... but not now" so that I'm left to just stew on it.
Also, I was not happy that those messages were sent in the middle of my date night so that it basically pulled me out of my space as soon as I read them. Not cool. I didn't want to just sound like I was yelling over texts, so I'll be bringing that up in a future convo.
Anyway, he was moody enough when I got home from work, that we ended up just talking about stuff anyway. I'm not sure that we solved much of it, since for some of it, it's the same convo that we've been having over and over. Sudo is seriously struggling with the disparity between my dating and finding what I'm looking for and his. He knows that it's just jealousy, envy, and insecurity, and he tells himself over and over again that I'm happy and love him and I'm not going anywhere, but he can't seem to turn off the feels. This whole thing has been making me worried that he's going to decide he doesn't want poly anymore, so I at least asked that and got a clear answer that no, he doesn't want to be mono, he definitely wants poly. He's just super frustrated that he struggles to find dates, or that he meets seemingly great women who then flake or whatever. The ability to accept that this is just the reality of dating between men and women in the poly world just doesn't seem to be happening. On top of that, then he just feels guilty for feeling the feels and not being able to get over it.
Not much I can do on that but reaffirm to him that his feelings are valid and I'm fine with him feeling his feels, but I can't fix that and so to a certain extent, I'm not going to respond to it. I can say "I'm sorry you're feeling bummed" and give him a hug, or cuddle. But I'm not going to sulk all night with him.
We also talked about the stuff each of us does that bothers the other since I'm used to complete independence and he's used to being very scheduled and checking in, etc. We talked about his stupid ex that he is finally done with after she pulled more crazy a few weeks ago. We talked about some of the D/s stuff and clarified that yes, I do want to do those things (he was feeling like I was just doing it to go along with what he wanted but not into it, I was feeling like it was becoming all about him and just me topping him vs getting any real power exchange or what I wanted out of D/s). We talked about how he views many things as being much more intimate than me, which is why he struggles with my desire to do kink play with others. For me, if I'm not having sex with the other person, it's not intimate. At least not in a romantic sense. Basically, he hasn't considered many things from my perspective yet, so he has all these feelings reactions based on what those things mean to HIM. Where as I feel like even though I might know what his views are on those things, they aren't my views and he can govern his life by his views, but they're not mine.
On all those things, I think some progress was made. Of course, there's no way to say all of that stuff I did and it not sound like our relationship is a bit of a cluster fuck right now.... but it really isn't. These things are big and scary and intense when we just dump them all out there at once. But realistically, the kinky play thing is a new thing that has just started emerging as we get out there in the kink scene. The D/s stuff, for me, as cropped up more as we've been attending these educational classes so the teachings have really just been clicking for me and helping. The jealousy feels... well, that's been ongoing and is a big one that I can't really do anything about. But I certainly don't see that as an insurmountable obstacle that would make or break our relationship. I also made sure to emphasize to him that if, sadly, we just couldn't make D/s stuff work between us in that we ultimately both decided we were looking for something different.... well, we still want to do the kink stuff together that we love, and that's not a deal breaker for our relationship. It just means that we'll only really do the things that work for us.
Basically, it was emotional, but it was communication that we needed to have anyway. I also admitted that I realize that I'm driven less my emotions and am able to analyze and move past emotions much more easily than most. So I realize that it can make adjusting to major changes easy for me where it might be harder for others. While Sudo pointed out to me that while maybe I don't notice it, he feels he has made some pretty big shifts in the past 2-3 years, but that he's still working on stuff and he needs time. Which now that I think about makes me then question why he seems less patient on the development of the D/s stuff (or maybe it just feels to me like he's less patient?). Maybe he's just overly concerned about forcing something on me that I don't want to do... which by now he should really know me well enough to know that I'm not gonna do shit if I'm not into it! LOL.
Sigh, anyway, stressful night with lots of tears, but the convo was useful and eventually it turned in a good direction which led to some great sex and cuddles. So, maybe it was all just cathartic in a way and we needed it. Neither of us is exactly huge on the sharing of the feels. So when they finally come out, I guess it's an explosion of feels.
So Wed night I have date night with Mr. Hyde and don't check my phone, but at the end of the night I always message Sudo goodnight. Well I have messages from him that "we need to talk" cause he's still struggling with the feels, but also he agrees that we're not on the same page with the D/s stuff and other things. But also that he didn't want to talk about it at my place the next night because he wanted to be able to just have a relaxing evening with me. WHA?!
So I told him yesterday that while we didn't have to talk about it that night, in the future I really wanted him to wait and talk to me about stuff when he had the ability to talk about it, not spring the "we need to talk" words but then follow that up with "... but not now" so that I'm left to just stew on it.
Also, I was not happy that those messages were sent in the middle of my date night so that it basically pulled me out of my space as soon as I read them. Not cool. I didn't want to just sound like I was yelling over texts, so I'll be bringing that up in a future convo.
Anyway, he was moody enough when I got home from work, that we ended up just talking about stuff anyway. I'm not sure that we solved much of it, since for some of it, it's the same convo that we've been having over and over. Sudo is seriously struggling with the disparity between my dating and finding what I'm looking for and his. He knows that it's just jealousy, envy, and insecurity, and he tells himself over and over again that I'm happy and love him and I'm not going anywhere, but he can't seem to turn off the feels. This whole thing has been making me worried that he's going to decide he doesn't want poly anymore, so I at least asked that and got a clear answer that no, he doesn't want to be mono, he definitely wants poly. He's just super frustrated that he struggles to find dates, or that he meets seemingly great women who then flake or whatever. The ability to accept that this is just the reality of dating between men and women in the poly world just doesn't seem to be happening. On top of that, then he just feels guilty for feeling the feels and not being able to get over it.
Not much I can do on that but reaffirm to him that his feelings are valid and I'm fine with him feeling his feels, but I can't fix that and so to a certain extent, I'm not going to respond to it. I can say "I'm sorry you're feeling bummed" and give him a hug, or cuddle. But I'm not going to sulk all night with him.
We also talked about the stuff each of us does that bothers the other since I'm used to complete independence and he's used to being very scheduled and checking in, etc. We talked about his stupid ex that he is finally done with after she pulled more crazy a few weeks ago. We talked about some of the D/s stuff and clarified that yes, I do want to do those things (he was feeling like I was just doing it to go along with what he wanted but not into it, I was feeling like it was becoming all about him and just me topping him vs getting any real power exchange or what I wanted out of D/s). We talked about how he views many things as being much more intimate than me, which is why he struggles with my desire to do kink play with others. For me, if I'm not having sex with the other person, it's not intimate. At least not in a romantic sense. Basically, he hasn't considered many things from my perspective yet, so he has all these feelings reactions based on what those things mean to HIM. Where as I feel like even though I might know what his views are on those things, they aren't my views and he can govern his life by his views, but they're not mine.
On all those things, I think some progress was made. Of course, there's no way to say all of that stuff I did and it not sound like our relationship is a bit of a cluster fuck right now.... but it really isn't. These things are big and scary and intense when we just dump them all out there at once. But realistically, the kinky play thing is a new thing that has just started emerging as we get out there in the kink scene. The D/s stuff, for me, as cropped up more as we've been attending these educational classes so the teachings have really just been clicking for me and helping. The jealousy feels... well, that's been ongoing and is a big one that I can't really do anything about. But I certainly don't see that as an insurmountable obstacle that would make or break our relationship. I also made sure to emphasize to him that if, sadly, we just couldn't make D/s stuff work between us in that we ultimately both decided we were looking for something different.... well, we still want to do the kink stuff together that we love, and that's not a deal breaker for our relationship. It just means that we'll only really do the things that work for us.
Basically, it was emotional, but it was communication that we needed to have anyway. I also admitted that I realize that I'm driven less my emotions and am able to analyze and move past emotions much more easily than most. So I realize that it can make adjusting to major changes easy for me where it might be harder for others. While Sudo pointed out to me that while maybe I don't notice it, he feels he has made some pretty big shifts in the past 2-3 years, but that he's still working on stuff and he needs time. Which now that I think about makes me then question why he seems less patient on the development of the D/s stuff (or maybe it just feels to me like he's less patient?). Maybe he's just overly concerned about forcing something on me that I don't want to do... which by now he should really know me well enough to know that I'm not gonna do shit if I'm not into it! LOL.
Sigh, anyway, stressful night with lots of tears, but the convo was useful and eventually it turned in a good direction which led to some great sex and cuddles. So, maybe it was all just cathartic in a way and we needed it. Neither of us is exactly huge on the sharing of the feels. So when they finally come out, I guess it's an explosion of feels.