H'ok So.....

Well, vent covers didn't get cut, and apparently we live too close to the white house now to be able to fly his drone.... so scratch that plan. Sudo isn't happy about that :(

But, I got more weeds pulled, and we also ran some additional cables in the living room walls for the mounted TV so that we won't have to have wires hanging down from the TV. We want to get as much of the electrical in the house done as possible so that when the painter comes next week he can patch, spackle, and paint those holes. So we need to run 1 more additional optical cable, one short speaker wire, and then in the office we're running electrical for a ceiling fan/light and doing another set of Ethernet wire runs. The office will be more challenging. The last bit of living room work is the easiest. But, at least Sudo feels better about tackling more of the electrical stuff himself, so we don't have to pay the electrician so much money. Frankly he was doing a sub-par job so far anyway....

Tonight Sudo has a date night with Dancer. He's planning to have a talk with her. I feel bad for him since I know he hates having to have serious talks about issues, and is already super stressed, but drama is happening. We all recently had a discussion where she wanted scheduling to be planned out a week in advance, so by Thurs, we set the schedule for the following week. Makes sense since she has to coordinate sitters and all that jazz. We agreed that we'd try to be better with that (though when your schedule is filled with stuff like "get house projects done" and not set appointments, that can still be hard). Well recently she's apparently been getting on him to answer scheduling stuff for events that are much further out.

1) going eclipsing
2) are we attending a karaoke night she's hosting next week
3) is he going with her to a kink event in a few weeks
4) is he going to have any time for her at summer camp (a multi-day kink camping event that he and I are going to, and she just recently decided to attend on her own for 2 nights)

1) Well I was personally a bit irritated about #1. Sudo and I have been talking about traveling to see the eclipse for at least a year. But my work is SOO fucked up that I told him I really wasn't sure if I could take the 2 days off work to travel, but that I really wanted to so we'd have to see. Nothing else was said. And so I'm suddenly finding out that she's trying to go with him? I didn't even realize that was something being considered. Which, granted, if I can't go and he plans to go, there's no reason that she shouldn't be able to go with him... but he and I hadn't even discussed whether or not he intended to sill go and be out of town if I couldn't go, let alone whether he was planning to go away with her. And they've never done a multi-day trip, which to me is a big deal that it feels like at least deserves a convo. So I was a little pissed, but after talking to Sudo, it sounds like he mentioned that I was unsure I'd be able to go, so she just said "oh, well can I go with you then?" and now is pushing him to make a decision so she can figure out if she needs to make plans. Well our plan has always been that I want to go, but I won't know until the last minute. So at best, she's going to get a last minute notice if it falls through, and with kids there's usually no way she can make multi-day last minute plans. So I don't really see how she thought that would work, or why she's pushing him to decide.

2) Also irritating since when she first invited us, she was at our place and we had a convo right in the kitchen about how we'd just have to see how we felt that night of karaoke, because we will have just spent the day out of town at my family reunion, and it's also the last weekend before our housewarming party, so it would depend on house projects. So I don't know why she's pushing him to once again make a decision. It's not like he'd be going as her date either way. Even if I didn't go and he went on his own, she's just hosting a night out with a bunch of friends, so as long as the room capacity cap of 25 isn't threatened, there's zero reason as to why he has to make a decision on this.... plus we already said from the start that it would be a last minute call based on circumstances!

3) The kink event is weeks out, and we're struggling just to try and get through to this house warming party. And on top of that, the kink even is the weekend of Sudo's birthday, and it's the day after his birthday. Sudo hasn't even made any birthday plans, let alone thought about kink event plans. Also, why does this have to be decided 3 weeks in advance? Unless she needs to know now because another potential partner needs that much advanced notice if they're going to go instead, this can wait. And I can see why Sudo might want to figure out his birthday plans first. Plus, it's his damn birthday, I'd think that instead she'd be asking "hey, this might be a fun date night thing for us to do to celebrate your birthday. Would you be interested in doing this for your birthday? Or would you like to spend your birthday date with me some other way?" I dunno, might just be me, but if I'm spending time with someone right around their birthday, I tend to want to see what they would like to do.... cause it's their birthday! But whatever, I just today went ahead and told Sudo that if I can spend his birthday evening with him that Friday and then Sat morning, then I have no problem if they wanna do a date night Sat night for his birthday, and if that ends up including the kink event, then cool. But that mainly that all depends on what HE would like to do for his birthday. But basically, I wanted him to know I wouldn't be pitching a fit that *I* didn't get to be the one to take him to the thing.

4) The summer camp thing irks me. They haven't negotiated the large scale kink events yet and she knows that, and knows it's something that we all need to figure out. She also knows that Sudo and I already booked this trip and that we're going together. She's the one that decided to go, on her own, for part of it. To me, that should automatically mean that sure, he'll see her around there, but there's really no guarantee of them getting couples time. But also, the schedule hasn't even been posted yet. So there's really nothing that Sudo can even address unless she's just asking "are you willing to go ahead and carve out some set time for me no matter what?" Which to me, kinda feels rude, like she's intruding on a thing that she already knows we have planned. When we're there, if the timing works out well that they want to go off and do a scene or whatever, that's cool. And I'm sure we'll all be socializing together some during the down times. But this is the first time Sudo and I have been to this and we planned it together. So she's basically asking him to ditch me for part of that time. And while I know that for her, the answer can be "no" and she says that much. But obviously she's going to be unhappy with that answer.

Basically, we're overwhelmed and up to our ears in house projects and planning for a party, and she's pushing him to make decisions on some serious next level relationship milestone shit that he just doesn't have the stones to even think about yet. Plus, I think she's just hit the NRE juice and is treating this relationship like what I'd normally expect from a much longer term relationship. I dunno, I think she's not getting the answers she wants to plan her life way out in advance, and she's taking it personally as if she's being demoted or something, when in reality.... shit happens and life gets busy. And his life is BUSY right now, but she's not respecting that he just can't focus on 50 things at 1 time. But also, their relationship started all hot and heavy, and they fit in all this time seeing each other because of Sudo taking time off to work on the house, and me being busy, etc. And that was a fluke, and they both knew it, and now she's taking it personally that things are settling into something more like normal, and it's not as much as she wants. So I think she artificially inflated her own expectations without negotiation that with Sudo, and now she's getting hurt. So yeah, basically, Sudo is having to say that he can't give her the info that she wants when she wants it, and that she either needs to move on with plans and he'll take whatever works for him in HER availability. And that she probably needs to stop reading more into some of his responses than what he says. Like saying he needs to check schedules with me doesn't automatically mean he's doing that ASAP if he has things going on. Or saying "maybe" to an event doesn't mean that he's going to make a decision right now and that she should go ahead and count on it or plan her life around it. If anything, she should plan her life and the Sudo can fit within that, rather than her planning her life around Sudo given their different scheduling needs. Sigh, anyway, I hope it goes well, but it's getting really frustrating.
 
I find this post very helpful and informative, because historically I can totally be one of those "fit everything into the schedule as far in advance as I know about it" people (though I've been working on that), and it's really horizon-broadening to see what it looks like from the other side. Thanks! :)
 
Glad someone gets use from this experience.


The thing is, we normally ARE planners. I mean, not like crazy planners, but we like to look ahead at events coming up and put stuff on the calendar and get an idea of what's going on. But trying to calendar a bunch of events when you're still settling into a house where you have a million projects that don't have a timeline other than "we need to get the long list of shit done and that just takes a lot of time" then it becomes impossible! And it makes it so that we're hesitant to commit to things because the work needs to get done. It's not ideal, but it's the reality that Dancer needs to just get over and deal with. I find it especially frustrating since she has a history of anxiety and panic attacks, and she's told me stories about how when their family bought their house and moved she ended up with major anxiety and had HUGE panic attacks and stuff.... and here we are still trying to get settled into life and she's badgering him to commit to scheduling stuff. Gurl, slow. your. roll.

When our lives calm down, we can probably plan better, but not during this shit storm of things to do. We're not like her where we plan out every hour of our day, including our down time, and we probably never will be. So that's something that everyone needs to learn to be ok with if this is gonna work. Cause Sudo's reaction has now become "I don't know, I have too much going on and I can't think about that right now, so I'm not doing it and that's that, so back off." Which isn't going to make anyone happy.
 
Hopefully after he talks to her, she'll understand and see that her current approach is stressing people out. I know it's done wonders for me, personally, to hang with someone who straight up put up a boundary with me about the planning thing. It basically FORCED me to relax some and be less schedule-nutty if I wanted to hang out with him. And relaxing in that way has actually turned out to be really good for me! Hopefully the same will happen for her.
 
Yeah, I'm hoping that it helps.

I think for her, it's the limbo that is such a problem. Not getting an answer, whether it be a yes or a no, means she can't move forward, so she feels like she has to put that thing in her life on hold for him. But she's making the choice to do that, he's not asking her to. Maybe for any given thing that she wants to plan, it would be good for her to set a deadline that is within her comfort zone. Like "I need a yes or no by X date, otherwise I'm just going to assume no and move on with my plans." Which would be totally fine! But I think she does also need to learn to chill out about some of the planning and just relax. It's 1 think to plan in advance if there's a need, but if there isn't, just let it go.

like karaoke... she's hosting it either way, so what does it actually matter if Sudo is able to RSVP now or makes a last minute decision?

Same with summer camp, if she's going solo no matter what, which she is, then why does she need to know right now if she's going to get time with him? If their schedules work out once the class schedule is released that they can plan something, it will happen. But she's going solo either way.

At this point, I think it's just her being type A and wanting to have the answer to all the things right now, no waiting. So I think them setting some boundaries around scheduling will be good and maybe help her chill a bit, like you said!
 
breathemusic said:
I think for her, it's the limbo that is such a problem. Not getting an answer, whether it be a yes or a no, means she can't move forward, so she feels like she has to put that thing in her life on hold for him. But she's making the choice to do that, he's not asking her to. Maybe for any given thing that she wants to plan, it would be good for her to set a deadline that is within her comfort zone. Like "I need a yes or no by X date, otherwise I'm just going to assume no and move on with my plans." Which would be totally fine! But I think she does also need to learn to chill out about some of the planning and just relax. It's 1 think to plan in advance if there's a need, but if there isn't, just let it go.
Click to expand...

As another total type A planner, and someone who tends to plan around my partners, I feel for Dancer a little - limbo drives me INSANE. "Maybe" is ok for super casual things, like the karaoke party, where I genuinely don't care much whether any particular person is there or not. But bigger or more important events, or one on one time? Hearing "maybe" is much harder than hearing "no".

There are rare occasions where I want to do something badly enough that I'll go alone or with whomever is available, but the majority of the time, getting quality time with partners and friends is waaaay more important than going to a specific event or doing a particular activity. So if I use vacation time/money on a "maybe" and don't end up seeing the person much, I feel like I wasted it. I'd rather have stayed home and saved my money and free time to spend with my person.

But I'm 100% with you that it's Dancer's issue to handle. I've learned the hard way (anybody remember the Dag scheduling issues lol) to be honest about my total inability to handle "maybe" around things that matter to me. If someone told me that they *might* be able to do the eclipse trip with me, I'd just say, " hey, I'm going to be super frustrated if I get my hopes up and make plans and then things don't work out. Let's forget that idea and plan something else fun that we know works for both of us. "

That's still hard for me sometimes, because I so badly want to be the chill laid back cool girl. But being uptight me instead actually makes my life and relationships much happier!
 
Haha think I have been thinking about going to the same camp you will be at. I am not at all sure about going as a single though, and I am leaning more toward no.

I totally emphathize with Dancer on being an anxious planner. If I was hosting karaoke - which I do, on occasion - I would definitely want to know if two of the people weren't going to be there. That's food and drink and space I wouldn't have to allocate. Plus, her NRE probably is off the charts, and being able to see him and just be in his vicinity - I would definitely want to know that I could get my fix on a particular night. :) I would be so squee, just thinking about being able to take a trip with my love to look at the sun, or having time together at a camp - wow! But having to wait and wait on a metamour, well, I am impatient AF and I would feel very marginalized if I knew I was on hold until that person was settled with stuff. I'm not saying that it's unreasonable to have to wait, but it would make me feel not-so-good and secondary. But, if she is supposed to be secondary, and that's the dynamic she agreed too, then well, she needs to suck it up.
 
Yeah, I totally hear you on the need to have 1 on 1 time and get quality time... My issue with what is going on is that she already knew he and I were going to summer camp together. And we don't do casual pick up play with others in kink the way she is willing to. So if she wants to go to camp to attend classes and enjoy some pick up play with others, totally awesome, but if she's asking for Sudo to commit to being able to give her a definite on giving her time at an event that he already planned with someone else, and isn't even sure of himself because the schedule isn't even out and he's never even been to the event before.... She's basically asking him to decide whether he's willing to guarantee time away from me at an event that we already planned together during a trip that in and of itself is a bit of a question mark at this point.

Same with some of the other stuff. We do our damn eat to make sure that she gets to have regular date nights with him every week, so she does get quality time. But when you're trying to balance wants way out in the calendar with the needs of dealing with house responsibilities.... I dunno, it's frustrating. It's not like he's saying he can't give her any quality time. He just can't give her an answer about scheduling crap beyond the next 2 weeks that have already been planned because he's juggling projects, work, a big house party, and then after that is going to have to deal with divorce papers. I mean, there are times (like now, as a matter of fact) where he and I don't get much of any quality 1 on 1 time even though we now even live together because we're working long hours and when we're not working we have life crap to deal with. Do we like it? No. But it's life and we step up to those responsibilities. It just seems to me like she needs to exercise a little patience and let him get through this crazy stretch instead of stressing him out even more. I'd think that as a wife, mom of 4, business owner, and someone involved in a quite busy social life, she'd understand that sometimes you're just busy.... I just get frustrated when people act like they're the victim of my schedule when my shit is crazy. I tend to get super defensive like "Ummm, do you think I want to be working long days and have a never ending to-do list? I'm the victim of my own schedule and suffering here too, so let's not pretend that you're the only person this is happening to and I'm doing it on purpose." But that's more my reaction. Sudo doesn't know how to react with anger. Lol. He just stresses and shuts down.
 
Gah! Cross-posted! :)
 
Bluebird, I went back and read your response, and yeah, I totally get the NRE thing! But to clarify, I'm not the hold up here. Sudo is the one who hasn't felt able to give her an answer. Hell, he's welcome to go to karaoke without me if I don't feel up to it, but he himself doesn't know if he's going to be able to go based on things he wants to get done. Same with summer camp, he wants to go with me as my partner and he knows that any private time with Dancer is much more on the fly if the both happen to see that they have down time.

And while sure, I guess I could see that for the eclipse, she's waiting on me... But only because that is a thing we have been planning for over a year. They have the ability to plan their own dates for things and do in fact have their regular date nights where they can do whatever they please. But if he and I have already made plans for something and then she chooses to put herself in the position of "back-up" then that automatically comes with waiting to see what shakes out with me. To me, that's not even a poly thing, just a scheduling with anyone thing. If I wanted to make plans with my BFF but she already had plans that day, but then I found out they were up in the air, should I really get prissy if she's not making up her mind about those plans vs trying her best to keep her original plans? In my opinion, I would be saying "OK, well let me know if your plans fall through and if you wanna do something, cool!" and if I'm not willing to hold those dates free on the off chance that BFF becomes available, then I need to just make other plans.

So to me, this isn't necessarily even a poly issue, it's a planning and calendaring issue. It just happens to be within our polycule, and because they are partners she's allowing her unhappiness with that scheduling to make her feel "downgraded."
 
Last night I stayed at work later and just went straight to a discussion group that was on how to plan and host a play party. Sudo met me at the metro to pick me up and we drove the few minutes to the house. It was a great discussion group with lots of info on the logistics, making people feel safe in your space and welcome. The spectrum of play parties in terms of ones that welcome newer people and might have more things in the beginning like consent exercises and such to make people feel comfortable, vs a party that is more limited in the guest list to people you 100% know and super trust and so you have an expectation that all of the people attending are experienced and don't need a bunch of lectures.

Things on how to make people who are introverts, or maybe have disabilities feel welcome in the spaces. Having signage posted around so that people know public areas vs private spaces vs grounding spaces for those that just need to step back and chill for a moment.

Definitely worthwhile and made me feel more confident in wanting to be able to host kink stuff at our house in the future. I'd like to attend a few more play parties first, even if most just as an observer to get an idea who different hosts plan out and execute their parties.

Of course, then we got home and drama ensued as Dancer asked about scheduling for next week and also got pissy at Sudo for not getting back to her "fast enough" about moving their date night tonight from our house to her house (he had already said that he was sure it would be find but would just confirm with me, and I didn't care, but we were super busy and were running late to this discussion group so he didn't get to text her until we got home).

Anyway, she was pissed that the only date night Sudo was willing to offer next week was Wed, the same night as my date night, because she doesn't really like Wed because she has stuff going on earlier in the evening that breaks up their date night so that they have to be with her kids earlier in the evening and then she goes to a martial arts thing (Sudo usually chills at her place and just works on his laptop) and then they get alone time once she gets back and the kids are in bed. But she wanted Thurs, and Thurs and Fri are the last 2 days we have to get the BBQ prepped, so we're going to be slammed with buying supplies, making food, etc. I told him that he could offer her Tues if he wanted to and I wasn't going to complain about it, but HE didn't want to do that since he wanted to maximize the number of days next week that we're ALL home to be able to tackle projects that take more than 2 hands or that everyone needs to give input on (like dealing with all the art work that's laying around, etc). So yeah, she got pissy. Sudo attempted to explain that his lack of available time wasn't just about her, and said that she's actually probably gotten more quality time with him in the past few weeks than I have! But she just twisted that and said that maybe they should cancel tonight's date then... which was just her being angry and spiteful and retaliatory. It didn't actually happen, but it was a dick move.

Anyway, I feel really bad for Sudo. I'm not angry at him at all and I think he's doing what he can to try and still see her, but make sure that all the house things that need to get done, do actually get done. But she's still just taking it personally. It's not like we plan these BBQs weekly or monthly or anything. You'd think she'd understand that schedules fluctuate and get busy, people get busy. It sucks, but you slog through it and then you recover. So I imagine that tonight there will end up being a big discussion, since it didn't happen on Wed. But something's gotta give. She shouldn't be getting angry at him for giving her his schedule on Wed when she was the one that said previously that she needed to know his schedule each week by Thurs.... and then say things like "people are waiting on me to give them schedule things and I have to wait on you." Well, sorry, but Sudo never asked her to plan her life around him. That's nice and all, but not expected and if she does it, that's her choice and she has to accept the consequences.

Ugh, whatever. At this point I'm just tired of hearing about it and writing about the same shit over and over again. You want to know his availability, he gave it to you. It doesn't really matter WHY he's only available on those days because it's his decision to make. Not mine. Not hers. That schedule either works for her, or it doesn't. That's how schedules work.
 
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Well, the drama of scheduling has significantly died down... but mostly because Dancer got a fairly bad concussion at work when a client heat butted her into a brick wall (she works with kids with disabilities, mostly autism). So she's had to take it easy and not been able to go out or do much lately. She did manage to make it to our BBQ and I thought she held up great, but I think she was really trying hard to power through. Anyway, her and Sudo have still had their scheduled date nights, but they've been shorter and basically super low key with them just getting food and cuddling and talking. I think she wasn't even able to watch a whole movie before it started bothering her. I'm sure she's bored out of her skull! It's really sucky that she doesn't really know how long it will take her body to recover either.

While I feel bad that she's going through all that, I can't say that I haven't been enjoying the reprieve from the scheduling and relationship escalator drama.

Last weekend the BBQ ended up being amazing! We set up outdoor speakers, strung lights across the lawn to the trees, set up a massive tent for the food tables, had a kiddie moon bounce and a little roller coaster slide thing for the kids, and just TONS of food. Lots of friends and neighbors came throughout the afternoon and evening, and a smaller group of us all ended up hanging out until around 1AM! Sudo flirted with another poly chick that we know from our general poly circles. Actually, they went out on a date like 2 years ago and the timing and what each was looking for just didn't fit back at that time. They ended up kissing a little bit, but apparently they went inside and where talking or whatever and he must have leaned up against her hand on the kitchen counter or something, but he ended up ripping off a HUGE layer of skin from a patch on her hand where she had just recently gotten a big, gnarly grease burn. It looked hella painful! So I helped get her bandaged up and she crashed on our couch (too much to drink and legally drive) while 2 of RCTs friends crashed in our guest beds. Fortunately, poly chick friend seemed to be doing ok. I saw her the next day at a clothing swap among a bunch of the poly women in our FB group and she was still bandaged, but she seemed to be in good spirits!

RCT, of course, hit it off with the daughter of our neighbor. She's 22 and he's 30, so I guess it's only a little bit creepy. Sigh. When we first moved we joked that the rule was that he couldn't date anyone under 25 within a mile radius of the house, because he tends to like younger women, but also make bad choices in women who aren't single, or just are pieces of work. So of COURSE he would end up being interested in the neighbor girl who is only 22. LOL. I mean, whatever, she's texting him back and expressing interest, so as long as he doesn't do something stupid and make her hate him and make things awkward, right? Fortunately he's not a horrible person and it's usually the women he dates that are crappy, so hopefully this will go well. The neighbor seems to be really nice and is smart and has her life put together, so he's already stepping way up from his previous dates :p

So yeah, after the BBQ, we spent the next morning cleaning up most of it to a tolerable point, before I had to run off to the clothing swap and eventually Sudo had a low key date night. I also was going straight from the clothing swap to meet up with a new guy that I've been messaging for a while. I went to his place just to have a chill hang-out. Order some food and play some metal music for each other to introduce ourselves to some new bands! He's in the local poly community and I "met" him that way through friends. I think I mentioned him before that he was at the play party that we went to. Crap, now I can't remember if I gave him a nickname. Anyway, so we ordered pizza, did the music thing, and then got to talking about movies and decided to watch Logan, which I hadn't seen yet and he loved and wanted me to watch. So we did that, and then ended up talking more, and then finally kissed a bit before it got super late and I had to go home. Of course, I was thinking it was after 10, closer to 11 and I was already late and Sudo would be unhappy that I was already leaving later than what I originally had told him I thought I'd be leaving by.... and then when I walk out the door and look at my phone I realize it died.... and I get in the car and turn it on to see that it's actually midnight. Shit. So I plug my phone in and immediately message Sudo and apologize, say I'm on my way, that my phone died, etc. I had messages from him that he was worried and this wasn't what we'd agreed on. He probably thought I ended up sleeping with new guy, which I didn't, but why else wouldn't I respond unless I was in a car accident or murdered or something? I def felt SUPER shitty. And of course it triggered some massive anxiety in Sudo in relation to me dating other people. So that's just been all sorts of yay.

We talked it out and I've apologized a million times, but I think Sudo is STILL coming out of a funk of some sort where he is really needing extra time and attention from me. Between that date night, me having date night this past Wed with Mr. Hyde, and now me having a follow-on date with new guy this Sat where I already said up front that I don't really know what will happen intimacy-wise, but that I was just throwing it out there so that it didn't come as a shock later if 1 thing led to another. Well, Sudo is having a rough week.

I'm hoping that today will be better. Today is his birthday! Last night I got home and we had dinner and cuddled and had some great sex. We did the same thing Mon and Tues (minus me recovering from a cold that hit me Monday morning). So I've been trying REALLY hard to give Sudo lots of time, attention, and love on every other day that isn't a date night, and I coordinated all of my date nights to be on nights when he is seeing dancer so that he can maximize his time with me. I know it won't always work out that way, but this stuff is hard for him, and I want to do as much as possible to make these sorts of transitions easier.

I dunno, there's just been a lot of change going on in both of our lives recently so both of us have struggled at one time or another to adjust to the fast pace of change. Regardless of that, Sudo and I are both on the same page that we want to see each other a TON, and want to try as best as we can to coordinate date nights so that we're not just never seeing each other. I'm not really expecting to ever have another partner that I'm seeing several times a week. And Sudo sees Dancer 2 or 3 times a week, but because of that, I don't think he'd ever take on another partner. Anyway, I'm hoping that I can continue to try and schedule dates when Sudo is able to, since that's really what I want, to just fill in my own free time. And I'm hoping that things will calm down and get into a bit more of a rhythm. If nothing else, I'm hoping Sudo can look at his own actions and see that I'm not doing anything different than he himself has already done/been doing, and it hasn't changed how he feels about me, so there's no need for him to fear that I'm going to change how I feel about him. But we just process our emotions sooo differently, and we have very different reactions to different aspects of poly. Interesting, but also a real pain in the ass to navigate....

With the BBQ over, our lives are at least hopefully going to calm down a bit. So that's good to know. I'm freaking exhausted!

To be continued and I can post more about new guy....
 
Such a good weekend!

As I said before, Friday was Sudo's birthday. So after work we ended up putting the finishing touches on our google doc D/s contract and then printing and signing it! So it's just extra official now. lol. We had a relaxing night just enjoying cuddles and down time and our D/s dynamic. I also gave Sudo all of his gifts. He got a pickle making kit (totally gross, but he loves pickles so I knew it would make him happy when I saw it at a little stand while I was on vacation in Seattle!), 2 new pairs of sexy underwear that he wore over the weekend for me, 2 new 4TB hard drives for the server he wants to build for the house, and then I also gave him a present that I've had on hand for several months now that was intended to be gifted when the contract was signed, which was a fun sex toy.

Of course we had to have some amazing kinky sex after that, which is pretty much exactly what Sudo wanted for his birthday, and I sure as hell wasn't complaining. lol.

We continued the sexy theme all the next day since we spent the last part of the night and Sat during the day in a slightly higher protocol mode. Not anything to crazy like with him not speaking unless spoken too.... since I wanted to be able to enjoy conversation, but with increased requirements for permissions of things, and the like.

By late afternoon/early evening though, it was time to wrap things up and prep for our individual plans. Sudo was headed to Dancer's place to catch the tail end of her kid's birthday party and then bring her back to our place for their date night (and she was spending the night), while I was heading over to new guy's place for our second date night, which would also involve meeting his son since he had custody for the weekend (split 50/50 with his ex).

So I headed over there and we ordered pizza (kiddo's choice) and played music and talked for a bit until kiddo had to get a bath and head to bed. Of course, the moment kiddo was in the bath and we had privacy new guy, who I think I'll call Metal, was kissing me before I could finish whatever I was in the middle of saying to him. It was both cute and sexy! We basically just made out until kiddo went to bed and was then in bed long enough to for sure be asleep so that we could head to bed ourselves for more fooling around. No actual penetrative sex, but other fun sexy times that involved orgasms were had, and then some cuddles and more talking and joking. We decided before it got too late to put on a movie, so we watched Europa Report, which was interesting given the way they used "recovered footage" for the whole thing but not in a Blair Witch Project shitty way. And of course, by the time the movie ended it was late and I mentioned that I should leave soon, but then we'd end up talking about more stuff, so like 1.5 hours later I FINALLY left at 2AM to head home. We both are talkers and since we're in that new, get to know you phase, we seem to find it quite easy to just talk and talk and talk and let the conversations flow from one topic to the next. I'm going to have to make use of alarms when we spend time together. hah!

At least this time I was good about checking in with Sudo every now and then. So I let him know when we started the movie and that I thought I'd leave after, and then when I got delayed that I was finally heading home, etc. Hopefully he wasn't just laying in bed awake and unable to sleep. I didn't message him when I got home since I accidentally set the car alarm off with my remote and figured I probably woke the whole damn neighborhood... which I must not have woken him, but clearly he saw that I made it home safe when he came to say hi in the morning!

Anyway, Sunday was pretty uneventful. Lounging and a few house chores and such. But mostly relaxing as needed!!
 
No time for a super long update. I'm trying to wrap up here at work if some files would quit processing. I need to run home and shower really quickly and shave my legs and head off to Metal's place for a date night. Sudo has date night with Dancer tonight as well, and we have a friend moving into our spare bedroom who's going to rent from us for a few months since he's leaving his abusive wife.

More poly drama in that I've been annoyed with Dancer and I finally called her on a passive aggressive comment cause I was irritated and am over her drama and being sucked into her processing. (And lectured Sudo on some things since frankly there's plenty of bad hinging going on) And work has just been an absolute shit show with being crazy busy. On top of that, Summer Camp is next weekend and we're prepping for that. Oh, and did a mention that we def have to get our roof replaced so we now need to get another quote or 2 and get that done?

Sigh. So much going on.

At least Sudo and I drove down to TN and watched the solar eclipse in the totality zone. It was soooo incredible! We stayed at Peach and Joe's house the night before and after since it got us about 4.5 hours closer to TN so that we could do the drive to the totality and back to their place all in 1 day. We sat at a BBQ joint on some picnic tables and stuffed ourselves with southern BBQ while we watched it and it was just stunning. When the next one comes in 2024 we're going to make a vacation of it and go to Austin for around a week since that will be in the path of totality. Woo!!

I'll provide a more detailed run down of things later. Le sigh.
 
Whew. Where to even start?

I guess I'll add some more details from the last post.

Dancer drama... I made a FB post in a poly group about having a frustrating week and going home to take it out on my partner (consensually) with an evil face and she responded to it with just "Really?" And I just, WTF sent her a message that said "?" to which she said it was an accident and she deleted it right away and was sorry. Sure, sorry, but it wasn't an accident. You don't accidentally type passive aggressive posts on FB, you just are sorry you actually posted it and didn't stop yourself sooner. So I told her I wasn't interested in being on the receiving end of passive aggressive nonsense and if she has a problem, to talk to me or work out her feels. She made excuses, but apologized. She did say that she has some things that once she figures out what she needs to process and what she needs to talk about, we probably all 3 need to have a talk, but I'm at the point where I'm done with that. She does too much processing with me when it's not my relationship and she's not in my relationship and she needs to talk to Sudo and he needs to hinge. I'm over being on the receiving end of her feels. For that matter, I also will have a talk to this effect about Sudo disclosing too much to me about Dancer's reaction to things. As much as I want him to be able to share things with me, I'm at a point where too much of her behavior that I find out about is pissing me off, and it's going to make having a friendly relationship not manageable. So if they want to stay kitchen style, I need more filtering to happen. I have plenty of feels about shit that happens. And sometimes that means I need to have a convo with Sudo about it, but it doesn't mean that Sudo needs to tell Dancer, or that I need to tell Dancer. Same should go back my way.

Anyway, the plus side to all of this is that it sounds like Dancer is no longer going to Summer Camp due to her just not being recovered enough from her concussion. I was really worried that she was going to end up trying to get more time out of Sudo than he was able to give, and then get pissy, and kill the atmosphere for us. Or that she'd go when she really isn't up for it yet healthwise and expect him to take care of her. If you can't handle more than an hour or 2 of any activity at a time before you need a bunch of down time, you're not ready to go camping at a crazy intense kink event for 2 nights and 3 days! So I'm feeling way less stressed about whether or not she's going to ruin something that we've been planning for months now.

Jumping back to the solar Eclipse.... 1) It was great to see Peach and Joe again and to see their house. We got there the day before the eclipse and laid out in swim suits in the back yard to tan and just relax with a drink and the puppers. It was chill and just a great visit. Plus we then watched the GoT episode that night. The next day we drove down to Maryville, TN and watched the eclipse and holy shit was it incredible. I mean, it's just an amazingly awesome experience to see. We drove back when it was over and crashed for the night at Peach and Joe's again, heading home the following day.

Work, in the meantime, has been busy with a negotiation. I actually have meetings all week this week (well, until I'm out Thurs for the long holiday weekend for camp). To make matters worse, between schedules being busy and some drama between Mr. Hyde and his wife (and his relationship with his other partner that just ended) I haven't seen him in weeks and our messages haven't been nearly as frequent. I'm feeling disconnected and sad that I haven't seen him much. (I swear I've had fucking poly drama on all fronts lately and it's exhausting) I'm hoping we can have a phone call later this afternoon if I'm not stuck in meetings when he's free. My week this week is too nuts for a date night, but we *might* try to squeeze in a lunch on Wed if my meetings will allow for it. I won't even get my usual date night with him next week either since Wed is my 3 year anniversary with Sudo, so I'm not going to have a different date night that night, and college has started back up so Mr. Hyde is back to teaching and this semester Wed is the best day for us to make plans. Blah. (though I'm still pumped about my upcoming anniversary with Sudo!)

Hmm, things with Metal are also going great! I've seen him twice since my last post about seeing him and we're full on having sexy times now, which has been fun! I really like experiencing how different intimacy is between partners and yet still really good with each of them. Though we had to be super silent last time since he had not only his youngest son, who is a heavy sleeper, but his step son (from his ex) who is 13 and so added the extra challenge of no noise so we don't wake him in the next bedroom. Apartment living.... Anyway, it will be nice to finally have our next date night on an evening when he doesn't have the kids and we can actually go out and do something or just have the evening to ourselves. It will be a work night, so I won't stay there super late, but I'm thinking the next time I see him on a non-work night I'm going to make some plans to stay the night so that we can have a bigger time block. And I'm sure Dancer will like it since it will mean that Sudo will probably propose that she spend the night with him and she's only asked to do that a few times so far. I'm not really sure where things are going to go with Metal. I really like him, he's great. But I also still want to spend lots of time with Sudo, and I want things to get back on track with Mr. hyde. So I'm going to have to be careful with my scheduling and balancing here, and also not overcommit myself. It's happened in the past and left me exhausted.

Let's see.... oh, friend moving in! So yeah, the friend is actually Peach's ex, Boris. They had a terrible ending but eventually got to the point of being friends again. And now Boris and Natasha are splitting up. Their marriage has been abusive for a long time, and I can't say I didn't see it coming. But boris is basically starting over. So we're letting him rent our spare bedroom for a few months (as late as the end of Jan if he needs it but that was our limit). He moved his clothes on Fri and his computer yesterday. He has a coworker that's moving and giving him a bedroom set next weekend that he's going to put in our 5th bedroom that's just been a catch-all room for now. So we'll have to see how that goes. He's planning to work, go to the gym twice a day (he's trying to lose a bunch of weight) and he wants to take up driving for a ride-share company in his spare time to make extra cash. And basically once he gets things more squared away, he plans to move back to Buffalo, NY and rent a room from a friend up there that owns a big house. So we'll see how it all works out, but Sudo and I are helping him with budgeting stuff. I think he'll be ok, but he's lonely. He doesn't have a ton of friends and he can be a bit over the top, which can drive people away. He'd be an awesome person if he didn't feel like he had to try so hard to win people over by turning up the jokes and shit to like level 10. When he's just with people he knows, he's still a funny guy, but without being overwhelming. But I would imagine it's a defense mechanism to him being nervous. Either way, I'm glad that we can help him out while he gets back on his feet. I just hope living with him doesn't drive us insane. lol.
 
So much to write but no time. I haven't forgotten about this blog though!
 
Ok, let me get the drama out of the way so that I can get on to ranting about how wonderful Sudo is. LOL.

So Sudo and I both had date nights last week on Tues, which was the night before our anniversary. We got home, it was late, crawled in bed, and Sudo said "oh, btw, Dancer got us a present." He didn't know what it was as he hadn't opened it without me. You'd think that this would normally be a nice gesture, but with all of her drama lately, it had exactly the opposite reaction and I was on edge about it and expressed my concern: Why would she get us a gift for our anniversary? (Who does that unless it's one of those crazy big ones where people have like a party to celebrate someone's 50th wedding anniversary or whatever) Why does she feel the need to celebrate our milestone event that is personal to us? I dropped it and went to sleep. The next day we had work, she messaged us in a group chat to wish us a Happy Anniversary, which was nice and I did actually appreciate. But that evening when we got home Sudo said that she had asked us to open the gift. He opened it and it was a framed piece of art. A tattoo style drawing of a naked female body with rope wrapped around the body BDSM style, with this whole flower artsy tattoo-esque design going on. It's a really cool piece of art, but I was *instantly* upset. It was signed by the artist and I don't know if it was a print or an original, but I'm sure it wasn't cheap. So it was a combination of "wtf, why does she feel the need to insert herself into our milestone event and celebrate our anniversary?" and also "wtf, who buys someone else naked BDSM art?!" I mean, I think that it's a risk to buy anyone art period because they might not like it and it can create an obligation to hang something they don't like on the walls, but what the fuck, it's naked BDSM art?! I have a small child in my house every other weekend, and guests, and family visits, etc. Just because I'm in the kink scene doesn't mean that I want to display that openly around my house. And sure, I could put it in my bedroom, but we still give friends and family house tours when they come see the place for the first time. I'm also not interested in having art that I have to remember to take down when certain people come to visit. But now on top of that, this art, even if I wanted to hang it, is now just a reminder of the fact that I got so upset over this whole hot mess that I spent the first part of our anniversary night crying while I was trying to make us a nice dinner. I seriously just don't understand if it's a lack of foresight on her part and she doesn't think about these sorts of things, or if she just thinks that these things are ok, or if she's intentionally trying to insert herself into our relationship, or what, and it stresses me the fuck out to the point where my reactions are way too extreme. So the art is still in the bag and I'm refusing to hang it. Sudo passed on a thanks for the gift the next day, but I'm planning to message her today to just say that while I'm sure she was trying to just show support for our special day, it had the opposite effect and I would generally prefer that she just not try to celebrate our personal milestones with us in the future. I've talked to some people that think that Sudo has to hinge all the things in the relationships, but he wasn't upset by the gift, I was, and the gift was to us both. These are my feelings and it's my personal boundary with her, so I really think that it's appropriate that I be the one to talk to her about my boundary between her and I with this. And if she disagrees, then we can halt the convo and she can talk to Sudo. I've told him that if he wants to hang the art in the basement (our date night space for sexy times with partners) then he can hang it while he has her over, but then it needs to come down once she leaves and I just don't want to see it. Once I'm less pissed about this whole thing and feeling less like she's constantly getting under my skin, I might change my mind. Frankly, we want our basement to be able to be play space, and in those cases it would make a cool piece of art. But again, kid in house, family in house, and I'm just not sure that I really want to go there yet.

In the meantime, I've unfollowed Dancer on Facebook just so that her posts aren't always at the top of my news feed, and I've turned down a recent invite or 2 for the 3 of us to do a group activity (though told Sudo he was welcome to go do the thing on his own with Dancer so he shouldn't assume I'm saying that he can't go). Basically, I'm trying to give myself some space to get out of this irritated state and started trying to do better about not asking about details of their relationship and halt the conversation if I feel like I'm about to hear about some drama between them that is just going to annoy me.

Anyway.... onto a happy post about turning my anniversary around and the following great weekend.....
 
ok, the good stuff (which super outweighs the crap).

For Sudo and I's 3rd anniversary from our first date, I made us crab cakes and some veggie stir fry. It was delicious and by the time dinner and a TV show was over, I was feeling so much better. Sudo and I had not once used the giant bathtub in our master bath, as neither of us is generally bath people. But this bathtub is HUGE and just the type of thing where 2 people could take a romantic bath together. So we pulled in a little Bluetooth speaker, lit some candles, and drew a hot bath and spent time just soaking in the tub. Sudo washed my hair, and I washed his body. We talked, cuddled, lounged, and just had a romantic time. He did this incredibly sweet thing where he gave me a little kiss and then said "thank you for _____" and then gave me a little kiss and said "thank you for _______" and just did that like 20 times thanking me for all sorts of different things ranging from loving him, to being his Domina, to buying a house and living with him, being patient with his insecurities, etc. It was soooo sweet and I love him to death. He got all choked up that this was the first time he's ever done a romantic bath with anyone and had anyone wash him (in a romantic sort of way), and I've never done it either, so it was a new experience for us both, that made it all the more sweet. I loved every moment of it.

We showered off after.... because seriously, you can't get that clean in a bath when you're sitting in your own soapy, dirty bath water. lol. But then we went to bed and did some sexy kinky play and cuddled ourselves to sleep!

We both had date nights again on Thurs, but then had the whole weekend to ourselves. Fri evening we stayed in and just relaxed. Sat we went out for some delicious sushi After spending the morning cleaning and organizing the garage with RCT. OMG, we finally returned the chairs we borrow from RCT's work for our housewarming party and got shit out of the garage so that my and RCT's cars could go back in the garage. We got other things sorted that were filling up the 3rd parking space (never to be used for parking since that's the tool/workbench/lawnmower/trashcan space) and the garage is soooo much better now.

Sat night we went to the local BDSM club for an event and stayed out until 3:30AM. We went to the medical play station where a friend of ours tried needle play on Sudo. So she started with her smallest guage needles and increased with each needle until he couldn't take it... but he was able to take all of it so he got stuck with 1 each of every size needle in her kit, which ranged from like 22 guage down to 8 guage! Meanwhile, I sat next to him and rubbed his arm and back, and occasionally tapped on the skin over the needles and things to cause other pain or sensations. So I was half calming, half co-topping on the pain. I thought it was really cool that our friend said that she could noticeably see that his reactions were very much in response to me. So even though she was doing all of these things to him, she knew that he'd not react in as good of a way if I wasn't there, and me being next to him and doing things heightened his reactions, which she was really enjoying getting to watch. As Sudo's Domme, this made me super happy to feel like even my presence added something to his experience. Made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!

As an aside to the evening, Mr. Hyde and his wife were also in attendance at the event. So they came over and said hi, and I got some kisses from Mr. Hyde and a hug from Mrs. Hyde (and she seemed genuinely happy to see me, so that was awesome given the recent ups and downs there). We talked to Mr. Hyde for a bit before they went off to do their thing while Sudo and I did ours. Sudo seemed to handle the whole interaction very well, which also made me super happy! They said bye again later before they left, so I got a few more kisses and then Sudo and I stayed to enjoy the rest of the night. I did fire play with someone while Sudo watched. I sooo love all the play that is warm stuff. Fire, wax, etc. It's like getting a warm massage and Sudo likes to see how much I enjoy that stuff... even if he and I both wish that I didn't smell like burnt hair afterwards. Ha!

Sunday, we got up around 9AM so that we could get our day started (with some sexy times!) and go run errands in DC. We needed to head to Sudo's office to pick up a chair and side table that were in Peach's office (as she no longer works at the same company) but her and Sudo had bought with their own money. She wants those eventually, or if not we'll keep them, but they needed to get out of the office before other coworkers tried to claim them thinking they were company furniture. After that, we went to our first date spot since it was nearby and had lunch, just like on our first date! I had.... AVOCADO TOAST. For real. I thought it was hilarious due to all of the millennial memes, so I just had to order it. And since it came with poached eggs and such on it, it was soooo good.

Afterwards we walked over to a little market that was across the street that is run every weekend and we bought some cheese and handmade fresh pasta from local vendors and headed home so Sudo could mow the lawn. We ended up having a house dinner with everyone and then a fire in the fire pit before going to bed. So basically, yeah, it was a phenomenal weekend where we felt relaxed, but also went out and had fun, but also got a few house things done. It was a great combination of fun and productivity that finally felt balanced for once!

Last night we went to the monthly D/s discussion group, tonight, we're going to go home and practice some rope and also have fun driving around in RCT's new Tesla that is being delivered today. Tomorrow I have a date night with Mr. Hyde (Sudo is finally going to have to rip the band aid off and experience being home while I have a date night) and then Thurs I can't remember what is going on, hopefully nothing but some chill quality time as a couple. Friday we both have date nights with Dancer and Metal and will be doing overnights (my first one with Metal!). So its a week full of good times!
 
I messaged Dancer and had a convo about the gift. I was super polite about it and told her that I didn't think she had any intentions other than good intentions, but it just didn't have a positive impact. She was very understanding and said she was totally fine just not doing something like that again. She mentioned that she apparently had just seen that print somewhere and thought it was awesome and got 4 different variations to keep/give to people that she thought would like them. So it wasn't necessarily bought to be an anniversary gift, it's just when she had made the decision to give it to us. So that actually made me feel better with how everything went. She said that there was no obligation to hang it, though I DID tell her that I thought it was a cool print, and it would probably eventually get hung in the basement play space, but I just needed some time to mentally process and separate the print itself from the experience and feelings. So that went fine.

Apparently though she pretty much immediately after messaged Sudo and was upset that he didn't tell her that I had gotten upset and didn't like it (though I said that I did like it) because he told her that I liked it (I did tell him I liked the print even if I was hesitant to hang something like that in the house) and she felt blindsided. So that was irritating and I said, "ok, we need to stop talking about this because this is the sort of stuff that you shouldn't be telling me and you need to manage."

After Dancer and I had talked, she asked about also sending me some stuff that had been on her mind since I had done the same. I told her that I was totally cool with that as long as it was definitely "her and I" stuff, or if it was group stuff if she wanted to talk to both of us, that was cool too. But mainly that I was trying to make a better effort to have Sudo hinge shit that he should hinge. Based on her "ummmm, ok" response, I'm guessing that she didn't take that well, but meh. It's true, and as far as I'm concerned I'm always open to having a discussion about something that is actually relevant to me. What I don't want to do is feel like I have to speak for what Sudo wants. Or if she is feeling like she has a need that isn't being met and it's under his control, like if it's his scheduling or something. Then that needs to be on him to address with her.

We didn't have the convo last night, but I assume that it will happen at some point in the future. I'm sort of hoping that this force Sudo to finally spell out to her exactly what he's comfortable offering her and what expectations he can meet. I, frankly, think that he's done a bad job of that to date and checking increasing expectations. But again, not my circus, not my monkeys, only my opinion... so I've stopped trying to push him to have that convo since he needs to manage his own relationship and figure out how to properly communicate his preferences to her, whether she likes them or not.
 
Lucky me, I didn't have to have a convo with Dancer! She had a convo with just Sudo, which is probably right since I'm guessing most of it was his shit to hinge anyway and not anything that needed to be discussed with me.

But since then, Dancer has been having some serious depression issues. Saw a crisis counselor yesterday, etc. I just.... still can't seem to care. I realize that sounds completely horrible. But honestly, I think she needs to take a step back, slow down, and take care of herself. She's been trying to do too many things that 24 hours in a day and 7 days a week can't cover and spiraling when it fails. Of course, this means that Sudo still hasn't had the convo that he needs to have with her about expectations and such. I'm really hoping that happens soon. Him saying nothing just enables things. But in the meantime, I hope that therapy and maybe meds help get her back to feeling well.

I had a good date night with Mr. Hyde the other night, and it was good to finally get some physical presence with him instead of just the occasional text here and there. I really want us to get back to a regular schedule!

Things with Metal are also still moving. I can't say that I'm feeling any sort of insane NRE, but we still have an awesome time hanging out. I def think we'll continue to date and have a blast. Though I don't really know when that's going to happen in the next week or so. We were supposed to have a date last night but we both worked later than usual and he was coming down with something anyway, so we rain checked it and I enjoyed a chill night in and just watched TV with RCT while Sudo was over at Dancer's place. I even went to bed before 11PM! Woah!

OMG, did I talk about how roomie got his Tesla? Yup, that happened! I took it for a test drive and it's really nice, but it takes some getting used to because of the regenerative braking. It's soooo pretty though. Oh, and Monday night RCT and I went to hope depot and picked up an 8 ft tall T-rex skeleton for Halloween to put in the yard, plus a baby t-rex popping out of an egg and a small triceratops. Sudo and I saw it in Home Depot over the weekend and I loved it and Sudo hated it. But I was making Facebook posts and constantly saying how much I wanted it, so I finally just went out and bought it with my own money. LOL. Sudo said that he still loves me, but maybe a little bit less. :p

I have no idea if we're going to be around for trick-or-treaters, but if we are, we're going to have the house that all the neighborhood kids want to visit.

Today, I worked from home while we had an electrician here. SOOOO much better than the last one. He installed the Tesla charger quickly, then installed a ceiling fan/light fixture in our office (we have the light that needs to be hung) and fixed all of the last little electrical bugs we had going on in the house. so the only thing left to do besides hang the fan is that there is 1 smart switch that he installed, but looks like is probably bad, so we need to replace that. Sooo happy to have all that crap dealt with! Yay to wrapping up on of the most annoying house projects ever!!

Work is finally starting to feel like things are getting caught up. All of my end of fiscal year craziness is winding down now that I'm knocking things off of my lists. It's a big relief. I might even take off next Thurs instead of just Fri and have a 5 day weekend instead of 4 (also taking Monday)!
 
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