I would love counseling, but currently we just don't have the funds for it. So we've no choice but to try to sort through this on our own.
Hoping I find something to hope for again...Super huge vent!
- Thread starter Ilove2men
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I would love counseling, but currently we just don't have the funds for it. So we've no choice but to try to sort through this on our own.
classycaveman
New member
He certainly has his work cut out for him. It's good to know your boyfriend is looking out for you here, as well. I'd love to give you a big hug for support right now. Keep us posted!
The problem is our combined income really isn't that bad. But we are paying his back taxes right now from a few years of him having a 1099 job, so we are tapped out with that. He's working 2 jobs right now to help out, but it will be at least 2 years before we get it knocked out. Anyhow (ramblinng), I checked out a place that offers a sliding scale and it put a very minor dent in the bill. If only they did a debt to income ratio.
Thank you very much! And yes, he has been an amazing support. It's an unexplainable feeling to know that when it feels like my world is crumbling, I know that I am safe with him. He has acted as our translator at one point for us. I say that because it felt like we were speaking 2 different languages. And there he was, knowing the language of my heart and the language of Boy.
If you're reading this, thank you, lovey.
And yes, I think I will continue to post. Writing has always helped me find clarity and it's nice to know that somewhere out there someone is witnessing an event that is huge in my little world (and waiting with virtual hugs hehe).
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Blargh, that sucks. I wish I could figure out another way, because it seems that going to a counselor would be a great thing for you 2, considering you both want to work this out.
Hey, Mr Sassypants, this is my post and I can show gratitude if I want to. So... Xp
It would be very nice, but I've worked out a few biggies without counseling when I really needed it, so I know we can figure it out if we stick to it. And I've become more hopeful. But I'll post about that tonight.
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The past few days.
The past few days have been filled with letters. Its obvious and he admits that he has kept me shut out for quite some time. So many things he's been keeping bottled up that the letters help him organize each one. He has adressed some very big issues that we have had including how he treated me in regards to sex. He's definitely peeling back the layers of the onion.
Everything is coming out into the open. Little things, big things, the good, the bad, the ugly. Its not really important all that that entails. The big issue is that he was completely closed off to me, and that was poison to our relationship.
While I am still leery of him, I feel closer to him than I have in a long time. Are things perfect? No. I still don't feel safe enough to lay my heart on the table at his mercy, but these letters are a baby step. I get a few each day. Each letter detailing one specific issue or incident.
So... yeah. We shall see where this takes us. I'm finding that I've come to terms with the fact that there is no quick fix. This has been happening for months, if not years, and it will take time to leave no stone unturned.
It hasn't been an easy week, but it's been a good one, I'd say.
The past few days have been filled with letters. Its obvious and he admits that he has kept me shut out for quite some time. So many things he's been keeping bottled up that the letters help him organize each one. He has adressed some very big issues that we have had including how he treated me in regards to sex. He's definitely peeling back the layers of the onion.
Everything is coming out into the open. Little things, big things, the good, the bad, the ugly. Its not really important all that that entails. The big issue is that he was completely closed off to me, and that was poison to our relationship.
While I am still leery of him, I feel closer to him than I have in a long time. Are things perfect? No. I still don't feel safe enough to lay my heart on the table at his mercy, but these letters are a baby step. I get a few each day. Each letter detailing one specific issue or incident.
So... yeah. We shall see where this takes us. I'm finding that I've come to terms with the fact that there is no quick fix. This has been happening for months, if not years, and it will take time to leave no stone unturned.
It hasn't been an easy week, but it's been a good one, I'd say.
I think it's great that he's giving you these letters. I know that I generally prefer to e-mail someone when I want to talk about something big, because it helps me organize my thoughts. Right now he's trying to save this relationship, and I think him being able to do this in a manner that helps him convey his feelings in all honesty, and thruthiness (thanks Colbert 
) is fantastic.
) is fantastic.Minesweeper
Is what I feel like we are playing right now. Normally people have a few triggers. Trigger A will make me happy. Trigger B will make me sad. Trigger C will make me scared. Trigger D will make me defensive or angry, etc., etc., etc. As we get older we start recognizing that we have such triggers so we can "catch" the negative ones and work through them without many theatrics.
Right now, I apparently have a whole new set of triggers and it's throwing me off big time. I don't like not knowing what emotions or reactions to expect from myself. Tonight one thing sent me into a frenzy of defensiveness, anger, sadness, and full-blown tears. This one thing... it was ridiculous to have any of the reactions I had, but they poured out of me like a festering wound finally bursting from the infection.
I learned a few things tonight. I learned that I don't trust myself to stand up for myself. I feel like I failed in doing so the past few months, and now I am apparently going overboard-- going into defensive self-protection mode when there is no threat. I learned that my fiance totally understands the whys of it and has told me he will be here to work through each and every unknown trigger that comes up for me. I learned that not knowing what to expect out of your own self is no fun at all.
So, what I need to start working on is start rationalizing right away when something unknown begins to well up and work through it to the other side with hopefully less extreme emotions.
Have you ever gotten something unexpected out of yourself before? Did it throw you for a loop? I feel that because my reaction was unexpected that it brought even more emotions out of me and all of them were intensified.
Is what I feel like we are playing right now. Normally people have a few triggers. Trigger A will make me happy. Trigger B will make me sad. Trigger C will make me scared. Trigger D will make me defensive or angry, etc., etc., etc. As we get older we start recognizing that we have such triggers so we can "catch" the negative ones and work through them without many theatrics.
Right now, I apparently have a whole new set of triggers and it's throwing me off big time. I don't like not knowing what emotions or reactions to expect from myself. Tonight one thing sent me into a frenzy of defensiveness, anger, sadness, and full-blown tears. This one thing... it was ridiculous to have any of the reactions I had, but they poured out of me like a festering wound finally bursting from the infection.
I learned a few things tonight. I learned that I don't trust myself to stand up for myself. I feel like I failed in doing so the past few months, and now I am apparently going overboard-- going into defensive self-protection mode when there is no threat. I learned that my fiance totally understands the whys of it and has told me he will be here to work through each and every unknown trigger that comes up for me. I learned that not knowing what to expect out of your own self is no fun at all.
So, what I need to start working on is start rationalizing right away when something unknown begins to well up and work through it to the other side with hopefully less extreme emotions.
Have you ever gotten something unexpected out of yourself before? Did it throw you for a loop? I feel that because my reaction was unexpected that it brought even more emotions out of me and all of them were intensified.
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I think it's great that he's giving you these letters. I know that i generally prefer to e-mail someone when I want to talk about something big, because it helps me organize my thoughts. Right now he's trying to save this relationship, and I think him being able to do this in a manner that helps him convey his feelings in all honesty, and thruthiness (thanks Colbert
I think it is great, as well. He has ADHD, so when he is dealing with big things his thought process can become very confusing for himself and for me. By him finding a quiet place to sit and focus on one particular issue at a time, we have found more clarity or understanding of what the other has thought and felt in the past few months, and he has actually brought up things prior to this that we never really touched on. If this is a way for us to communicate openly and honestly... well, we will just be corresponding for the rest of our lives.
Yes, in recent months, the last 6 or so, I was feeling emotions I thought i had beaten into submission or that I had never felt. Triggers were new as were the reactions.
My immediate reactions to things immediately threw me into a tailspin of emotions to those reactions. Anger at what I was feeling, irritation at how I was reacting and worst of all, I went to my biggest defence mechanism, I shut down externally. I immediately throw a wall up wanting to protect everyone while I fight with myself.
It didn't work