NotsoTypical, yes I can identify. When my wife and I first opened up to non-monogamy it was expressly with the idea of threesomes, primarily with another man. I am bi, which was a big part of that fantasy, but the idea of my wife enjoying sex with someone else was a major part as well. We felt we were more poly than swinger, as our goal was a long term relationship. We also were open to the idea of seeing people separately. But largely we were unicorn hunting. The dating people separately did not survive past me having a single date with one lady before we figured out we had not communicated nearly as well as we thought; for the next almost three years dating separately was not on the table.
We also tried the swinging mindset and went to some swinging parties. We did not play most of the time. While we really liked the people we met in polyamory groups and kink groups, on the whole, we did not find the same level of communication and open mindedness among swingers. My wife also figured out really quickly that casual sex was not her thing. So there were very few threesomes before we returned to being monogamous for awhile and licked our wounds, but throughout, we kept going to our closest poly meetup group and occasionally talking about the idea.
Currently my wife has a relationship with a man she works with. I have seen him once and exchanged roughly four words. She has private time with him early almost every morning before they clock in and they have gotten together after work as well. He has no interest in meeting me or talking to me. It is very different from the initial fantasy that started us on this road, and it is only since the middle of August we agreed to try polyamory again.
How did we handle the transition? Initially my wife gave me a lot of say in the pacing of developing her new relationship. She basically checked in with me at each early progression point and we had agreements on how far things could go. I also realized fairly quickly that these agreements were creating landmines rather than avoiding them. If, in a moment of passion, she and he had passed whatever boundary we had agreed to, the actual act would not have bothered me nearly so much as the broken agreement. So when we next talked, I told her I did not want there to be any rules she was operating under that were by my request. She did still check in, but I felt much safer having given up that power than when I had it. My only requests are open and honest communication, no secrets, and that she prioritize time for us to reconnect sexually.
So how have I adapted? The thing that has made it easiest has been reaping the benefit of her newly supercharged libido. The deep and intense communication this has taken has also made me feel very close to her, plus she has done everything possible to make me feel important through the transition. I do like to hear how she enjoyed herself and she enjoys sharing. I don't want or need a lot of detail about him or what he likes, simply hearing her tell me how much she enjoyed it, how it felt, and how much she wants to do it again will drive me wild. And I apologize to the more advanced poly people, I know even this much sharing will likely make some people cringe. But considering how quickly we have transitioned away from viewing this as a team sport, I guess I feel like we are doing pretty well.
This is not one-sided either. She is encouraging me to be open to new relationships as well. The last couple of months have been some of the hardest, most anxiety filled, and absolutely best times in our entire marriage. And each time I survived the anxiety surrounding a further advancement in their relationship, the easier it got. I do not have my anxiety whipped yet, but I am doing much better and thus far have had no meltdowns. Anyhow, I hope that helps. I look forward to hearing how your own story progresses.
