Things have been going really well in my poly V/triad (i’ll give the reason for the slash later) relationship, but i come back here needing some advice. Despite the fact that my partners have been amazing, i’ve found myself extremely worried lately that i am going to lose them or push them away. Logically i can tell myself that these fears aren’t based in reality, but i’m having such a hard time shaking the feeling that i thought it might be helpful to come here. Let’s get into it…
Almost 4 moths ago, I (30f Gwen) started dating Cal (25m) who has been in a relationship with Jake (28m) for the past three years. We were all friends first for a long time. Cal and i fell in love over that time period, brought our feelings to Jake, and i was essentially welcomed into their relationship with open arms. It took us around 2 months to figure out exactly what we were to each other and make things official. But even through the initial adjustment periods it’s the happiest i think i’ve ever been in a relationship.
That being said, in the beginning there were a few rough spots. When we came out about or relationship to our friends, one of them had a very negative reaction based on previous trauma, but they’ve been working on themselves and we’ve gotten to a much better place. But still, it made it so we were pretty focused on dealing with their issues and not able to really settle into our new arrangement right off the bat.
When it all first started, the relationship was very much a poly v. I date Cal, Cal dates Jake, Jake and I are just friends (metamours). But after a while, Jake wanted me to think of our relationship more as a triangle than a V, as in we’re all dating each other. Which is great, however Jake is a-romantic and mostly gay leaning, and although i love him very much, we don’t have the same type of chemistry that Cal and i do. When we first discussed the type of relationship view change, we had a conversation and agreed that we see each other more as partners, but still not as much in a romantic/sexual way. We called what we have “platonic plus”. We all live long distance from each other, and have been mostly interacting online, and after that conversation we give each other little kissy noises and have been more cuddly in our vr game (a little cringe but a great way to feel closer when living far away) and it’s really sweet, but we haven’t had a chance to be physically affectionate with each other yet. We have a trip planned to all spend a week together coming up in the beginning of June.
I think strangely, in a way, this is where the issue started for me. Because although i really like that we are having almost a more inclusive relationship now, because Jake and i don’t have the type of physical or romantic bond that Cal and i do, when i try to do more “relationship-y” things with them i start to feel like a burden, if that makes sense? Maybe because i'm used to “love” being so tied to sex and physical touch that when i don’t have the in-person connection i start to feel anxious. i also worry that there may be pressure for Jake to be more romantically involved with me than he actually wants to be, which worries me a lot.
And now, i’m so so worried about pushing away Cal when i come to him with my feelings of worry or anxiety about the relationship. Jake is a very very chill guy. Extremely chill. Barely ever has an issue with anyone-type of chill. And i think i'm comparing myself to him a lot. Thinking that in order to make Cal happy i have to be more like Jake. Logically, i know that each of our relationships to each other is unique and equally valid. I know that Cal loves me for who i am, and not just for the best parts of me. i know that having feelings is not something to be ashamed of, and that my worrying is a lot because i value this relationship so much and really want to make it work.
But shaking the anxiety is rough. Even when i receive reassurance, i still feel like i'm holding onto these negative emotions.
I’m pretty confident that once we are all in the same room together again, and Jake and i can really feel out this potential new dynamic, i’ll feel a lot more at ease.
But i wanted to get some additional reassurance from y’all, see if this kind of thing has happened to anyone else, how they have chosen to navigate it, what’s worked and what hasn’t.
And i ask you to please be kind in your answers and responses. I had an experience before online where i was given a lot of “you should break up, this isn’t going to work” feedback, which really hurt. Hoping to get responses that are helpful and understanding. Thank you in advance!!!
Almost 4 moths ago, I (30f Gwen) started dating Cal (25m) who has been in a relationship with Jake (28m) for the past three years. We were all friends first for a long time. Cal and i fell in love over that time period, brought our feelings to Jake, and i was essentially welcomed into their relationship with open arms. It took us around 2 months to figure out exactly what we were to each other and make things official. But even through the initial adjustment periods it’s the happiest i think i’ve ever been in a relationship.
That being said, in the beginning there were a few rough spots. When we came out about or relationship to our friends, one of them had a very negative reaction based on previous trauma, but they’ve been working on themselves and we’ve gotten to a much better place. But still, it made it so we were pretty focused on dealing with their issues and not able to really settle into our new arrangement right off the bat.
When it all first started, the relationship was very much a poly v. I date Cal, Cal dates Jake, Jake and I are just friends (metamours). But after a while, Jake wanted me to think of our relationship more as a triangle than a V, as in we’re all dating each other. Which is great, however Jake is a-romantic and mostly gay leaning, and although i love him very much, we don’t have the same type of chemistry that Cal and i do. When we first discussed the type of relationship view change, we had a conversation and agreed that we see each other more as partners, but still not as much in a romantic/sexual way. We called what we have “platonic plus”. We all live long distance from each other, and have been mostly interacting online, and after that conversation we give each other little kissy noises and have been more cuddly in our vr game (a little cringe but a great way to feel closer when living far away) and it’s really sweet, but we haven’t had a chance to be physically affectionate with each other yet. We have a trip planned to all spend a week together coming up in the beginning of June.
I think strangely, in a way, this is where the issue started for me. Because although i really like that we are having almost a more inclusive relationship now, because Jake and i don’t have the type of physical or romantic bond that Cal and i do, when i try to do more “relationship-y” things with them i start to feel like a burden, if that makes sense? Maybe because i'm used to “love” being so tied to sex and physical touch that when i don’t have the in-person connection i start to feel anxious. i also worry that there may be pressure for Jake to be more romantically involved with me than he actually wants to be, which worries me a lot.
And now, i’m so so worried about pushing away Cal when i come to him with my feelings of worry or anxiety about the relationship. Jake is a very very chill guy. Extremely chill. Barely ever has an issue with anyone-type of chill. And i think i'm comparing myself to him a lot. Thinking that in order to make Cal happy i have to be more like Jake. Logically, i know that each of our relationships to each other is unique and equally valid. I know that Cal loves me for who i am, and not just for the best parts of me. i know that having feelings is not something to be ashamed of, and that my worrying is a lot because i value this relationship so much and really want to make it work.
But shaking the anxiety is rough. Even when i receive reassurance, i still feel like i'm holding onto these negative emotions.
I’m pretty confident that once we are all in the same room together again, and Jake and i can really feel out this potential new dynamic, i’ll feel a lot more at ease.
But i wanted to get some additional reassurance from y’all, see if this kind of thing has happened to anyone else, how they have chosen to navigate it, what’s worked and what hasn’t.
And i ask you to please be kind in your answers and responses. I had an experience before online where i was given a lot of “you should break up, this isn’t going to work” feedback, which really hurt. Hoping to get responses that are helpful and understanding. Thank you in advance!!!
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