How do I make it happen? He's so mono.

[CranberryStardust]

I haven't posted in a while, but I need advice!

I have been dating my boyfriend Bob for 6 months. Things are going well. The sex is great. I love him. However, my bisexual urges seem to be getting stronger. I have been with girls and even couples in the past, when I was single, but I have never explored those things while or within a relationship. Honestly, I haven't had a lot of serious relationships.

I guess I am used to guys who love the idea of their woman being with another woman. My boyfriend seems, at best, disinterested. He says he doesn't like the idea of sharing me, which makes sense. I think he equates my desire to be with a woman with a desire to be unfaithful, but I have no intentions or want to be with another guy.

Ideally, Bob would be involved. The idea of him "helping" me and participating in that scenario is incredibly hot to me. I don't want to leave him out or find something elsewhere. I just really feel like I want to act on my lesbian urges.

Bob is a very monogamous person. Is there any hope? How do I start a conversation? How can I make him see that it can be fun and sexy and non-threatening?

 

[feelyunicorn]

I would avoid trying to convert people. Why get into a monogamous relationship in the first place if having multiple partners is so important to you?

 

[km34]

I guess I am used to guys who love the idea of their girl with another woman. Bob seems disinterested. He says he doesn't like the idea of sharing me, which makes sense. I think he equates my desire to be with a woman with a desire to be unfaithful, but I have no intentions or want to be with another guy. Ideally, he would be involved. The idea of him participating in that scenario is incredibly hot to me. I don't want to leave him out or find something elsewhere. I just really feel like I want to act on my lesbian urges.

Bob is a very monogamous person. Is there any hope? How do I start a conversation? How can I make him see that it can be fun and sexy and non-threatening?

All of this seems very sexual. Are you wanting a purely sexual/FWB situation with a woman, or a romantic relationship?

Regardless, if Bob doesn't like the idea of sharing you at all, it seems unlikely that he will approve of either situation. Also, your statement that your desire for a woman appears to him as a desire to be unfaithful, because you have no desire for another man, doesn't make sense to me. Sex/gender has no bearing on whether it's ethical. I've also never understood the thought of someone of the opposite sex not being a threat because they're different, since EVERYONE is different, but that's a different discussion altogether.

Anyway, if Bob honestly feels like nonmonogamy of any flavor (swinging, poly, or anything else) isn't for him, you can't force him or the relationship to go that direction. He has a right to want monogamy, just as much as you have a right to want nonmonogamy. You just have to decide if you can balance the two desires, or decide the relationship isn't right and find a new one.

 

[IndieSolo]

Was there a reason why you did not discuss this with him before getting involved?

 

[AnnabelMore]

"I think he equates my desire to be with a woman with a desire to be unfaithful, but I have no intentions or want to be with another guy."

I don't get the use of the word "but" here. How does it only count as being "unfaithful" if it's with another guy? Just because some men find their female partners' gay interactions less threatening, or even hot, doesn't mean that it's fundamentally any different for a woman to be with a man outside her primary relationship, versus being with a woman outside her primary relationship. Both potentially involve sex and/or romance, both could be threats to your relationship, and that's true whether your bf is involved or not.

Give him some stuff to read, like www.morethantwo.com. Tell him this is really important to you; ask if you can talk about potential ground rules; go very slowly.

In the end, it's up to Bob whether he can accept this or not. If not, you may have to move on rather than a) feeling like you're missing something forever or b) cheating on him.

But please don't act or talk like your desire for polyamory/polysexuality should be somehow more easily acceptable, less threatening, more sexy, or in ANY way treated differently because you want it with women and not with men, or because you'd be open to involving him in outside liaisons when he doesn't actually want to be involved.

 

[zylya]

I gotta echo the questions of why would you agree to a monogamous relationship if you knew you didn't want one? It's only been 6 months. Why wouldn't you have said something in the beginning?