How do you introduce your spouse to poly?

[theatergeek]

Some background on me: I've been married to my wife for 17 years, most of them happily. We have had our ups and downs. Our relationship is very good presently. We are blessed with two wonderful daughters. They are generally quite happy. Although we'd like to be on better financial footing (who doesn't?), I think none of us really have any complaints. We're in pretty good shape, overall.

4 years ago, I learned what polyamory was. Within the last 2 years, I've learned more about it. I have a good understanding of what it's NOT (swinging, cheating, etc.), and a pretty good idea of what it is (even if I don't know all of its variants).

Some time ago, after a particularly rough period in our marriage, I read something in one of my wife's magazines about polyamory, and I had her read it too. She asked if it was something I wanted to do. I indicated it was something I thought was worth considering. Nothing really happened after that, which was probably a good thing at the time. Nevertheless, I interpreted her lack of further discussion as her not being all that interested in it for herself (and not necessarily for me, either).

But that hasn't stopped me from wanted to explore polyamory further, at this time in my life. I've been doing some searching online, and found a lot of great info about polyamory. What I've NOT found is ways to broach the subject with the spouse/SO.

How do folks do that? How does one "break the ice" about poly to a long-term partner? I'm aware that it will take time, and I need to go slowly. I'm not looking to jump into anything right away. I don't have anyone in mind that I'd like to date. But I would like to explore it. I know I need to be totally upfront and honest with my wife. I fear she may be VERY insecure and feel inadequate as a result.

Any pointers, tips, advice? Thanks.

 

[NeonKaos]

It sounds like you've broken some ice already. I think it's good that you're both discussing this before one of you has actually met someone you'd like to become involved with. Unless there is something you didn't mention.

You should prob'ly pick up a copy of "Roadmaps for the Clueless and Hopeful". It has a lot of info about what you're looking for. I still have quite a ways to go, but so far I am impressed by the way it tries to talk you OUT of poly, but it is a rhetorical style whose intent is to give balance to the "sunshine and roses aren't we all so wonderful because we're poly-amorous let's all have a group hug and sing kum-ba-yah" attitude. Having said that, it also contains some advice which is helpful in a relationship regardless of its position on the mono-poly spectrum.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

I'm aware that it will take time, and I need to go slowly. I don't have anyone in mind that I'd like to date. I know I need to be totally upfront about that and honest with my wife. I fear she may be VERY insecure and feel inadequate as a result.

The first thing I suggest you do is identify what you are looking for in a possible poly relationship. What it is you want, what it is you need. Will you be open to sharing her with another man? Definitely put yourself in her shoes and look at it from that perspective. What would your reaction be? How would you want her to bring it up? I would go so far as to write it out and see if it makes sense to you.

Opening up the lines of communication on this without properly forming your thoughts will lead to a possible lack of clarity and understanding, neither of which will lead to instilling security in your wife.

Now is the time to do some self-analysis. After you are clear and honest with yourself, then proceed with her.