How to avoid the un-ethical sluts

[clairegoad]

Funny, I don't think of a date as that much of an investment. To me, it's a chance to get to know a little bit about someone and see if I want it to go anywhere. How do you fall in love with someone before you get to know them?

Easy. You fall in love with who you want them to be, and then deal with the disappointment when they don't read from your script.

 

[IndieSolo]

Easy! You fall in love with who you want them to be, and then deal with the disappointment when they don't read from your script.

Well, yes, of course I know what that's about. I suppose my questions are not very clear. Let me try again.

Let's say you meet someone, either in person or online. Just a brief exchange. Could be someone you interact with at an event, a friend of a friend, or someone who responds to your online profile, whatever. You don't know them yet, but there's something you find intriguing. Maybe there's even a little flirting going on. Anyhoo, you would like to go out with this person and see if you really do have an attraction, to learn a little more stuff about them, or whether you even want to pursue them. A casual date, such as coffee or a drink. Wa-a-ay before anyone's falling in love!

If this person is polyamorous, and has a primary partner, is it the usual expectation that their partner meets you before you go out with them, even at that early get-to-know-you stage? Or wouldn't you wait until after a few dates, if and when you both feel you want to have a relationship, that you would meet their primary partner to get their blessing (if that's the ground rules)? I mean, I know I'd appreciate meeting and/or communicating with the SO at some point, to know for sure that this is an ethical situation and not a cheater, but I'm trying to get clear on "polyamorous diplomacy," I guess.

It sounds like such a stupid question, I know. But I'm curious. If I meet someone, do I have to ask to meet their other partner(s) before I ask out the person in whom I'm interested?

 

[AutumnalTone]

I certainly wouldn't expect anybody with whom I've just become acquainted, and with whom I have no involvement, to meet my wife. Heck, I'm not even certain I'd want to romantically date the person at that point!

It's only after I've decided I'm interested in a serious romance that I want my wife to meet a potential partner. I have to find out if there's more to interest me than just the thing that caused the initial spark, then I have to spend a bit of time looking for red flags, then I can figure out if I want things to be more than a friendship. That takes a while!

I'd suggest the new person could message my wife prior to that, just so the new person knows my wife is okay with me meeting for dinner, coffee or something. I wouldn't expect a meeting with my wife until things got a bit more serious. If at that point the potential partner hadn't contacted my wife and refused a meeting, I'd be disappointed that it couldn't work out and move on with my life.

 

[Tonberry]

Funny, I don't think of a date as that much of an investment. To me, it's a chance to get to know a little bit about someone and see if I want it to go anywhere. How do you fall in love with someone before you get to know them?

Well, I wouldn't date someone I'm not in love with. What's the point? I'm sure other people find one, but the only reason I ever want someone as my partner is that I'm in love with them. I don't go, "Hey, I have X number of partners, but I could use one more, so let's start auditioning."

You can get to really know people if you work with them every day for years, or if you talk daily over the internet, and so on. Usually I develop feelings at some point, and that's when I start considering a relationship.

I realise my approach can't be the usual or only one. Otherwise, why would anyone use dating sites? But yeah, in my case the first date happens after I say "I love you." Or I guess, if I'm shy, I wait until the end of the first date to say it.

Anyway, I guess I'm not much help here! My experiences don't have much to do with the advice you need.

 

[IndieSolo]

Well, I wouldn't date someone I'm not in love with. What's the point? I'm sure other people find one, but the only reason I ever want someone as my partner is that I'm in love with them. I don't go, "I have X number of partners, but I could use one more, so let's start auditioning".

"Auditioning."

For me, dating can be fun in and of itself. In fact, I prefer not having a larger goal in mind of turning it into a relationship. To just go out for coffee, drinks, a movie, the theater, or whatever, I don't/can't require being in a serious relationship first. Before I was married, I dated just to see what someone was like, and always tried not to add the pressure of making that person something more until I got to know them. I told myself, "Just go out and date, meet people. Don't worry about getting a commitment out of them. Just enjoy their company, relax and see what happens." It's just something fun to do with a companion. Of course, if there's heavy-duty attraction going on, I want that smooch at some point. But when I start becoming interested in making it a relationship, to me, it's more than just dating.

I guess my approach might have to shift if I do become involved in a poly situation. I don't know how, though.

Right now, I'm getting divorced. I am unattached and entering the dating scene, while hoping to explore a poly approach. So, I'm wondering how to date people who are already attached to someone else. It's out of my realm of experience, thus far.

Tonberry, you have been helpful, even though your experiences may not apply to what I'm asking, because you've given me a perspective I didn't know about before.