KerryRen
Thanks for responding and pointing out that no one cares about my personal situation. Exactly, so why should your husbands personal opinion on poly be of concern to anyone.
Or whether he is in favor of your arrangement or not or any of the other “success” stories some are spouting here.
No one cares about your demographics. They may well care about your situation, should you choose to present it. Projecting it onto someone else's situation, now that would be another thing entirely.
I speak for myself, not my husband, not my boyfriend. They can speak for themselves, should they choose to. You seem to be confusing the fact that I've stated approval of certain engagements of my husband's (and also _not_ approved of others) as me stating my husband's opinion. He has his own, and I check it frequently, but it's his to speak, not mine.
I am not speaking for Hoyams husband. She has expressed numerous times he wants no part of this right now, so what would you conclude his feeling would be if she continues on with the relationship while they are in therapy.? She has not come on here and said he is fine with it. As a matter of fact, Hoyam has stated she is worried he is considering divorce, so I think my statements of what he MIGHT be thinking have a better than average chance of being fairly accurate.
He was fine with it; now he is not, according to her statements. He may well be considering divorce, and this is something she has to consider in factoring her decisions. Some things are worth divorcing over, but they vary from person to person. Perhaps he feels like sacrificing his marriage over this. Perhaps he is merely making a deep cry for attention that should be answered. Perhaps it is an idle threat, trying to assert power over the relationship dynamics. He hasn't spoken. We don't know. Does Hoyam want to sacrifice her marriage over this? Probably not. from her statements, but that's for her to decide and let it guide her actions. How much does she value him? How much does he value her? How strongly do they value the worth of their vows? What other factors are stressing each marriage partner?
All I am saying is I wonder if the therapist knows and approves of Hoyam leaving their sessions and coming over here for more therapy from a group of people who agree with her, that have not heard a word from her husband, and for the most part have made up their mind it is his problem. Again, if YOU were her husband, how would you feel about that knowing what she has told us. Don’t care what your husband thinks. Its her husband she has to deal with.
You are aware, I trust, that therapists aren't all-knowing healing gods. They're fallible, and come from a variety of schools of thought -- and they can't always fix things, though most will try valiantly. I've yet to hear of one disapproving of seeking more opinions and knowledge from others who may share similar situations and thoughts. Every therapist I've known wants to encourage human interaction and connection. (And kindly observe that is a statement of my experience only, not a generalization to the profession of therapy).
I hope she comes to her senses, and she just concentrates of going through with the therapy between the two of them and once the decision is made she can come back for support if she chooses to wind up divorced (no not certain but likely) and wants to remain poly. If she remains with her husband, that does not doom her to a life of misery and deprivation, and she probably will not find anything useful here.
She can likely find people here who "remain poly" yet practice monogamous marriage. You can be poly without any partners at all, or just one, just as you can be gay and celibate, or a hot bi babe/boy without any partners at all. Who you sleep with, or how you sleep with them, does not define an orientation or a lifestyle.
I think you may be putting too much weight on the therapist, who can do and say only so much -- and like us, has only an outsider's view of Hoyam's marriage. The therapist may be able to help a great deal. Or not at all. Or help partially. The real work has to take place between Hoyam and her partner(s), as with any relationship. And each of them must make their own choices, take responsibility for their choices, and deal with the consequences of those choices.
