How to handle love/being loved?

[Grogs]

Hello everybody,

I wonder if somebody could give me a better perspective on things, and advice on how I should handle certain aspects of human relationships.
The way I see it is that, to some extent, love is possible with many different people. However only a few (or possibly even one) are right for a person.

I was for years in a very unhappy relationship, and also previously have had casual sex, which often did not make me happy.

At some point I started to work on myself, develop myself and only do things consciously and with integrity. Basically I feel that I have become more in touch with myself and know what I want.

As my personal life was still not sorted out (I did not have a job at the time), I felt that I was not ready for a relationship. I was going out with 2 girls in that period. (I am bisexual.) But things kind of ended when I started to feel pressured into a relationship when I was not ready for it. Basically I feel that my priority should be working on myself.

Then about 4-5 months ago, I met John, and things melted in the most beautiful way. We both value personal progress/development and care about the other reaching their full potential. Talking to him, being with him had a kind of deep therapeutic effect. I felt that for years I was shutting away my core, or my soul. Our encounter melted this away. I am much fuller, more myself with him, and so is he with me. It truly does feel that together, we are more than just the sum of ourselves.

We met online (where else? ) and were really careful not to rush things. Eventually, 2 to 3 months into talking to each other, I was finally able to meet him.

We kind of agreed to "leave things open for now," but also started to refer to each other as bf/gf.

I miss him, but having previously left everything just to be with somebody, I am being really careful to avoid making the same mistake again. Just knowing that we have found each other is so great. We are confident in each other. We do have an entire life to share. We don't need to rush things. In the end, "we" is about him and me being ourselves, and not "us" becoming a destructive, all-consuming force that would make our lives stop in their tracks.

(But he does call me his wife sometimes, and it does not feel incorrect in any way.)

But since we've met, I have been much more radiant and happy, and this attracts people to me. To be honest, I don't know what to do with this attraction. To some extent, I think that being friends does not exclude some form of physical contact, and since John felt comfortable with me also having experiences with other people, I did kiss/make out with some occasionally, although never moved to having full sex, even though John made it clear he would be okay with that. It just would not have felt right to do that.

And then... I have a real life friend Max, with whom I kiss and hug sometimes, kind of in between him dating and reporting the outcomes to me. I have never seen our physical side as more than an expression of "I like you and you are cute."

About a week ago, we had a psychedelic trip together. It was really lovely. He confessed that he'd never had sex with anyone. I don't know... It felt like it was a problem for him, and I felt that my role as a friend was to have sex with him to "get it done and over with". To my surprise, since Max has had a lot of experience of yoga, there was a strong... how to say..." out of body" part to the experience. At some point, I felt that maybe I could also love him, but that he will never be the sort of partner that John is for me.

I spoke to John about it, and he is ok with me seeing somebody else, if I wish.

But I am not sure. For me, the experience was awesome, but I see it as two people getting to know each other and exploring the way they interact, and it really did start for me only as a sexual favour.

I would be happy to explore Max and me together. But I am worried that he might be moving faster than I feel comfortable with. He has already said that he loves me, and that he brushed off another date, since he he sees himself as taken! I just don't know how to handle this. My motivation with Max was to act on a certain attraction and curiosity (and to get rid of a problem for him). But I am certainly not ready to enter a relationship with him. I have no idea if I love him on any other than a sister level.

I am also worried that he might have fallen for me because of the intensity of the psychedelic trip.

And I am also aware that Max falling for me would not have happened if I did not meet John, since he is the true originator of the lovely glow of love inside me.

So, damn it, I don't know what would be the "ethical" way to handle this. I don't want to hurt Max, but either way seems wrong. Seeing him and forming some kind of relationship would feel wrong, because I do see John as my only true partner, the only person I can submit to, and I would not be able to give that to Max. On the other hand, I do care about and feel drawn to Max, but I worry that I could become somehow disconnected from John, and it would be truly painful.

I don't want to hurt Max by leaving him. But I wish he were a bit stronger and had not fallen for me so easily.

It just feels that more I try to do the right thing, I either end up hurting people, or doing something against my own integrity.

Please, if you could be bothered to read this, I would be most grateful for your opinions, since to some extent it has become too complicated.

 

[redpepper]

Hello there, and welcome. Things are not so bad, it seems. You just have some stuff to understand, maybe, before proceeding.

First of all, sex gives us a rush all our own and makes us have those loving feelings. When we have sex with people we love it adds to that, which is why people who are in love want to have sex. Perhaps when you "helped out" Max, he felt this way when he had sex with you. It was his first time, after all, and those feelings, and the feelings of having got through something that was perceived as holding him back, might be overwhelming him into thinking the whole situation was more that it really was.

So now what? Well, you could tell him this, and talk to him about John, and what is happening with him. Straight up, honest and open communication is always the best, in my book, as long as it's done with compassion, respect and is passing on information that is beneficial. You don't need to go into detail about the love you feel for John,, but tell Max that you have strong feelings that you are exploring.

It is likely that Max will recoil, and either disappear because he has seen that you are "taken," and that is that, or you could spend the time explaining to him that you are able to love more than one, and that there is a possibility that you might have more than a friendship, but you would hope he would explore other avenues, as you will be, too.

It's up to you to figure out what you want first, and then present it to him. I suggest that you let Max sit on it for awhile. Tell him that you realize it takes time to figure these things out, and that you will check in with him later about it.

I'm glad you recognize that your integrity is important. In this day and age, it seems that not much thought is given to one's integrity.