Pressure doesn't lead to happiness...
You have given a nice description about the problems that result from one partner accepting to do things under pressure. Also, a nice description of codependency as well. However, you have made a few incorrect assumptions, such as assuming that I have never studied about codependency.
Codependency is broadly used today by people who don't even know it's origin. It comes from "dependent personality disorder", which you find a nice description in Wikipedia
(1),
(2), from where I quote:
" historically, the concept of co-dependence "comes directly out of Alcoholics Anonymous, part of a dawning realization that the problem was not solely the addict, but also the family and friends who constitute a network for the alcoholic." "
Moreover, the term has been popularized by authors who talk about two specific mental disorders. It has then created the informal and unfortunate stereotyped view about those who support people with such mental illness. What people without such experience don't realize (including some book authors) is that those mental disorders cause a
disruption on the non-partner's behavior, but they don't change their personality. As supported by books from experienced authors, such as "The Human Magnet Syndrome", once the non-partner engages in a relationship with a mentally healthy partner, then this disruption in behavior is gone.
I'm thankful that you are trying to help me, because you found that that personality trait on yourself, but this is a trait which I don't particularly have. As you may have noticed, I'm very focused on my own goals and my own sense of self. In the past, I did experience altered behaviors on myself around disordered partners, which didn't make me codependent, just inexperienced. Yet, at the present moment, I can hold up to my own goals and principles extremely well, even under extreme pressure.
Yes, unlike you have imagined, I'm the one who is under daily pressure, not my wife. It is part of the disorder to create a world-war-2 because of a tiny thing (which is just a for m of attention seeking), and in such moments you do need a very strong feet on the ground to prevent yourself from indulging that behavior, feeding the disorder. It's such an extreme amount of pressure with lots of shouting and enough over-talking to make you dizzy, so unbelievable that I'd have to film it if I wanted to prove it.
And I don't pressure her because it also feeds the disorder. Actually, I only do pressure her when it is about her health, ordering her to eat something and take her supplements. But she understands that as an act of "taking care of her", so she ends up "obeying" and cools down a little.
Moving on, I don't think you understood my description of "deep connection". I'm wasn't being specific about romantic connections. I'm referring to the connection you have with all of your family members, parents and close friends, plus thinner connections you have with everyone else. It is a mistake to think that a deep connection is an opposite of having a good sense of self. What you need to make successful decisions is a balance, a good sense of self (your own needs and feeling) plus a good sense of your partner's needs and feelings too. And it obviously needs to be reciprocate.
I also don't think the strength of connection alone is a good prediction of success, especially in polyamory. See, you having a connection with someone else will surely change (even disconnect at times of a date) what you have with your wife. This doesn't have to be a bad experience, but once you're on a date, she's on her own. A strong connection can actually hinder success, if not balanced by the ability to be on your own.
You understood the "deep connection" as a synonym of codependency and you described polyamory as independent two-way relationships forming a V, W, X or something similar. I agree that is the hardest scenario, but I clearly stated I'm not wishing to do that. A cobweb is strong because it is balanced. All dots have multiple connections and work together.
Neither me or Cam would not be happy in doing that. We would NOT feel comfortable in having lots of fun in a way that would make her agonize in anxiety. That's not because we are codependent. It's because we both have a connection with her, and
it doesn't need to be this way. Even with strong fear of replacement (or "fear of abandonment" as you may prefer), the strong connection that my wife has with us is able make her overcome those fears. She overcomes it by focusing on
our well being. And this is not theory, it is practical observation of the facts. For instance, she has already invited me to go buy some stuff with Cam, knowing I wanted so much to have that privacy. My wife then said she felt highly gratified with herself for having mastered that capacity. For my surprise, we took longer than expected to get back but my wife didn't call me any moment, didn't make any interrogatory, and didn't even show any anxiety around that event.
That's what I meant when I said "
When there is a deep connection, it will always "have the last word" and determines the outcome, making them act or not on a behavior and move or not towards a direction.". My point goes beyond empathy, but it is not restricted to romantic relationships either. It is about the entire capacity of establishing emotional connections that we have.
Btw, I don't know much about monks, but I believe they either depend on each other or to their connection with human-like religious entities (like God, Jesus and Mary, holy fathers, etc), which is maintained through constant prayers.
I'd be very careful about claiming that polyamory was a standard, ever - and even if, that it was a genetical thing and not a cultural one. Human beings seem to be very flexible and "naturally" all over the monogamy-nonmonogamy scale.
You are focusing on
contemporary human behavior and culture. In modern days our cultures seem different but they are actually very similar, as they all have developed around
agriculture. In old ages, however, human standard were much closer to general animal standards. The occurrence in nature of monogamous only species, which create a life-time mono bond, is exceptionally rare, and human beings were certainly not one of those.
Even in modern days, most people keep doing "serial monogamy" and don't realize that having a single partner is not enough for them, as it can only fulfill them for a relatively short period of time. Then when their mutual attraction has been washed away, so many do that non-sense fights blaming their partner on their own discontentment. That's why conventional marriages (monogamous) are now a target of jokes, because people make it ridiculous.
Nothing personal for me, but if you could look at what I wrote from a neutral perspective, without thinking about the negative perception you had on anything I wrote earlier, then you'd notice I'm not not even talking about myself or my wife ( adding FallenAngelina here ).