How to turn a polite V into a triad

[bluestone]

He and I have always wanted everyone to have the most they can in this situation. She was initially positive. then withdrew. Since then, he and I have held onto hope that she will come back.

A while ago, things started getting better. I would find myself lying on one side of him, while she lay on the other side. Those nights led to closer things and all seemed well. Bad feelings seemed forgotten. There was something for everyone. Impossible was not a thing.

Now she has backed off again. I almost wish things had stayed as, "Let's not talk about it," be polite and tell everyone what they need to hear.

Uh... I s'pose not. Change is usually for the best. But I am a bit upside down. I feel such a rift between her and me, and he is in the middle. I now think about them together at the weekend while I am working. I think about them going to bed together while I am home alone.

I fear the divide will only get greater. I have tried to open things up, but she is a quiet one. We don't know quite what goes on in there. She has put a few feelings in writing. She is scared, mostly. Of what? He has said he is not monogamous. He does not wish to live how he is not, and will not try to change.

If she were afraid to lose him, she would put some effort in. So maybe it's me she is afraid of. She is afraid to get closer to me. She has no other friends, but is close to her family. Maybe she is just afraid of the unknown.

I have said I will be waiting for her, as I have been all along. I am still waiting. What is my next move? I don't think I can push her for an answer. I think she would back away. I don't feel we can go back to polite and hanging out, doing friend things and slowly getting closer, as before, because I have initiated a stand off. I implied, "Don't come back till you are willing to work at this," or something, a "Can we talk about how we might move forward?"

Does she even know that's an option? I have not seen her as much. We haven't hung out except when I have been seeing him. How do I proceed?

 

[redpepper]

Well, it seems to me that the way to move forward is to take away the stand-off. You have told her not to come back until she wants to work on it? My guess would be that she doesn't want to work on it, and isn't into you for a triad. It sounds like it was nice and cozy for her to snuggle and have some sexy times with you, but that was it for her.

I would say she is scared to tell you this and has backed away as a result. It seems to me that you are ruining your friendship with her by being demanding and trying to control what happens.

She loves your man, not you, from what I gather in what you have said.

So, if what I say is true, what will YOU do next? I would tell her to carry on with your man and wish them well, that you would like her back as a friend, and then wait for her to trust your intentions. Give them the space they deserve and the friendship she needs from you. Show her that you are working towards that by doing nice things for them. Then go out and find your own girlfriend. Find your own stuff to do in order to get your needs met, rather than sitting at home wondering if they are having sex. It's up to you to get on with your life. They are doing fine, and aren't interested in you being involved in the way you want to be. That shouldn't be an issue, just informational.

Those are my thoughts, anyway.

 

[bluestone]

I just want her to gain from this too. I think she was happy for a while and that was good. Now she is jealous and insecure. I don't like to think of her like that, and it seems to set me off too.

Like I said, there has been a lot of time where we functioned as a polite V. I spent time with them both. I did activities with her and he'd come to see me. He lives with her.

Does she need or want my friendship? I don't know. It's hard to tell. Did she spend time with me because she enjoyed it, or because she was toeing the line? Was that set-up better than this? It seems the more she and I are divided, the worse we both feel.

I suppose that's the answer. I have to put the work in to keep the peace and make the best of it. An awkward friendship is better than division.