Husband have been thinking to sleep with other people to satisfy his fantasies

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bee_08

New member
me and my husband got married 3 months ago, and we have been together 3 years.
We have been having problems in our sex life, because he has some fantasies that I feel a bit difficult to do them.
Have already try a part of those fantasies but only like 8 time in this 3 years .
And he complains because he wanted them at least once a week and he says he feels unwanted and sad because I dont do them.
Then I told him that I dont actually like them but I do them to please him and that I can try to do them more often maybe 2 times a month and he got mad because I say that. He say that he wants me to do them only if I like them.
But I feel like he is pressure me to do them and he also pressure me to like them and to like his fantasy's.
don't know if im in the wrong here, but just because he has some fantasy's doesn't mean I have to like them too. I do think its nice if I do them so he can enjoy that, but I can only do them once in a while and to be honest I could do more often but lately he has say other fantasies and almost every day that is making me uncomfortable and also the other ones I dont think I can do them and even the first one because I thought he like the feeling but now is like he wants an act that makes me a bit uncomfortable.


So now he say he even thought about having this fantasies with someone else and then come back home and make love to me.

And I told him I dont like that, that is cheating for me. And he says no because I was going to ask you to do that.
And then I told him so your solution is for you to hace sex with someone else and me have sex with someone else, and he jump and say not you, are you going to make love to another guy and I say if you are having sex with other people to satisfy your needs then I will have to the same to satisfy my needs.

So now im thinking he wanted just for him , like if i do it he doesn't like it but he expects me to accept it.


After a while of arguments, I told him ok im tired of fighting , or we both willing to do something for our sex life or we both stop it.
I went to the toilet and came back and he grab me to have sex.

We did it and then he start playing in the phone without saying anything and went to bed. It was 7 am and he still there sleeping.



Now , I dont know if its okay now and we continue trying to have sex and satisfy ourselves and do the fantasies or does he still thinking about going to have sex with someone else but this time he won't ask me.


I dont know what to do, do I talk again and ask him that, or do I wait and try to have sex and do his fantasies a part of his fantasies.
 
I do not like the level of coercion he's putting on you. You are there to be a PARTNER. A wife is not a sex/kink distributor. If you don't enjoy doing whatever it is he is asking you to do, you should not do it. Period. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable for both partners, not just the male.

If there is something he needs so badly that he has to seek it from another partner, well, this should have been brought up long before marriage was on the table. Maybe he genuinely didn't know about his own proclivities, but honestly, he just sounds like a manipulative a**hole.

The level of entitlement and disrespect I see in this story is alarming. I would consider his sexual tantrums and attempts at emotional manipulation to get you to do things you don't want to do (the sex act itself as well as opening the marriage) as a huge red flag. He has no interest in genuine polyamory (where you date others as well.) He is spoiled, entitled, manipulative, and if I were you, I'd start asking myself if he wants a PARTNER of if he just wants to dominate and control and coerce.
 
That's not good.

There are plenty of healthy couples that agree for one of them to fulfill their kink fantasies elsewhere - be it with a kink partner or professional. His suggestion is nothing unheard of, because the connundrum of different sex drives and preferences is not easy to solve.

But in your case, the "negotiation" is not healthy.
 
bee_08 said:
me and my husband got married 3 months ago, and we have been together 3 years.
We have been having problems in our sex life, because he has some fantasies that I feel a bit difficult to do them.
Have already try a part of those fantasies but only like 8 time in this 3 years .
And he complains because he wanted them at least once a week and he says he feels unwanted and sad because I dont do them.
Then I told him that I dont actually like them but I do them to please him and that I can try to do them more often maybe 2 times a month and he got mad because I say that. He say that he wants me to do them only if I like them.
But I feel like he is pressure me to do them and he also pressure me to like them and to like his fantasy's.
don't know if im in the wrong here, but just because he has some fantasy's doesn't mean I have to like them too. I do think its nice if I do them so he can enjoy that, but I can only do them once in a while and to be honest I could do more often but lately he has say other fantasies and almost every day that is making me uncomfortable and also the other ones I dont think I can do them and even the first one because I thought he like the feeling but now is like he wants an act that makes me a bit uncomfortable.


So now he say he even thought about having this fantasies with someone else and then come back home and make love to me.

And I told him I dont like that, that is cheating for me. And he says no because I was going to ask you to do that.
And then I told him so your solution is for you to hace sex with someone else and me have sex with someone else, and he jump and say not you, are you going to make love to another guy and I say if you are having sex with other people to satisfy your needs then I will have to the same to satisfy my needs.

So now im thinking he wanted just for him , like if i do it he doesn't like it but he expects me to accept it.


After a while of arguments, I told him ok im tired of fighting , or we both willing to do something for our sex life or we both stop it.
I went to the toilet and came back and he grab me to have sex.

We did it and then he start playing in the phone without saying anything and went to bed. It was 7 am and he still there sleeping.



Now , I dont know if its okay now and we continue trying to have sex and satisfy ourselves and do the fantasies or does he still thinking about going to have sex with someone else but this time he won't ask me.


I dont know what to do, do I talk again and ask him that, or do I wait and try to have sex and do his fantasies a part of his fantasies.
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Do you have anyone in your life you feel comfortable talking to about these issues? I would focus right now on expanding/strengthening your support network outside of your husband.

It seems like you're being pressured quite often and made to feel like your needs don't matter. Wishing you the best.
 
Hello bee_08,

You are not in the wrong here, it is your right to be vanilla if that's what you prefer. Your husband should not try to push you into liking his kinks, that's just going to push you away. You're not obligated to do his kinks either, but if you choose to do them for his sake, that is very generous of you and I don't think he should be complaining.

You also are not obligated to consent to him having sex with someone else, you have a right to say, "No. I don't consent to that. As your wife, I went into this marriage with the expectation of monogamy. I didn't sign up for nonmonogamy. If you insist on having sex with other people, that is a deal breaker for me." It's even worse that he wants nonmonogamy for himself, but not for you. I would say no in your shoes. I hope he doesn't go behind your back, obviously you wouldn't consent to that. Watch him like a hawk.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello bee_08,

You are not in the wrong here, it is your right to be vanilla if that's what you prefer. Your husband should not try to push you into liking his kinks, that's just going to push you away. You're not obligated to do his kinks either, but if you choose to do them for his sake, that is very generous of you and I don't think he should be complaining.

You also are not obligated to consent to him having sex with someone else, you have a right to say, "No. I don't consent to that. As your wife, I went into this marriage with the expectation of monogamy. I didn't sign up for nonmonogamy. If you insist on having sex with other people, that is a deal breaker for me." It's even worse that he wants nonmonogamy for himself, but not for you. I would say no in your shoes. I hope he doesn't go behind your back, obviously you wouldn't consent to that. Watch him like a hawk.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
I disagree with your last statement, mainly because that can lead to expending a lot of energy trying to control something that isn't her problem to control (or really even within her power). It can also lead to growing distrust and heighten some issues.

Unless you mean "trust your gut if he starts disappearing without explanation, or becoming more secretive." I would agree with that sentiment.

Everything else you said was great.
 
This is a lot of fighting and stress for only 3 months of marriage.

Do you think you could leave him? Do you have somewhere else you can go? He does not seem very nice to you.
 
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