I dont know what to do ,what's wrong with him ?

NovaSarah

New member
Hey! my name is Jessica

Been reading here for pretty long and it has helped me a lot. Now I'm hoping you guys can help me out again with my first post.

I decided to try online dating and found an amazing man living in another city 45 min away from me. We've been speaking for about a month and I've figured that he's definitely a man of my life. At first I had a great game and was even impressed by myself. But the more I talked to him and got more comfortable.

Date 1: Took a walk, he guided me around her city
Date 2: Dinner
Date 3: he took the train to my city and we discovered Stockholm together, then dinner. All the time holding hands. We finished the date with cinema, but we kissed more than looking at the actual movie.

As usual I sent a message after the date saying "Had a great time, I want to see you again soon". He suggested that I should come visit him then, so 3 days later I did.

Date 4: First took a walk then movie at his place. His mother called and he answered "I'm with Jes, talk later". That means he had mentioned me to his mother? Probably good? During the movie we started making out. We didn't go further though. At 00:00 I left cause I knew he was going up early and me too (Tuesday). I sent him a text saying "Hope to see u soon )<3". He replied "Of course! and a kiss smiley".

Our next conversation was on snapchat. I commented on his story, wished him a great weekend (went to visit his friend)

I was a bit surprised that he didn't text me like he used to, so sent him a "thinking about you" on Sunday evening when I knew he'd be home. he replied with just a smiley and asked if I had a great weekend. The conversation continued, but he was a bit cold and not as flirty as he used to be. I invited him to my place and told him I'd try to beat his friend in the MasterChef challenge.

Here comes the problem. He denied and said he was busy whole week with studies. He didn't say that he wanted to see me, but not that he didn't want to see me either. I continued the conversation a bit and he replied even though I didn't ask questions, but still cold.

I've probably fucked up totally. My current plan is to not text him in a week and see what happens. Fellas! Please give me some tips, because I really like this man and don't want to blow it! Don't tell me It's too late.
 
I agree in my mind with idea that he needs to feel validated by having you "Chase" him. The fact that he is always running off, waiting for you to run after him to make things better.... This is not a trait of a mature man. It's not okay to make you feel like you are always the one to make amends, and give him reassurance. It almost seems like a game to him to see how far he can push you without you leaving.

For him to refuse to return your texts/calls for so long, and then finally respond as though you are annoying him is childish and just plain rude. Is this really your ideal man?

You are absolutely right is to not text him in a week and see what happens, but if I were you? I wouldn't. Not at all. You didn't do anything wrong, yet you have to play his I Love You I Love You Not game? I think not.

I would seriously suggest you to read this. It's not fair to you to always be playing by his rules, and being manipulated into catering to him whenever he is moody.

When he contacts you again, be firm and let him know that you need more stability in your relationship and he can't be playing Hot and Cold at his whim. If he doesn't contact you? Let him leave. It's truly his loss, not yours.
 
I continued the conversation a bit and he replied even though I didn't ask questions, but still cold.

You may be over thinking this. It seems like you guys have been having fun and you're going to have to figure out how to survive while not being in constant contact for a week. Have you considered that... maybe the guy is busy like he said?

I suggest keeping things in perspective. This is a person you've known for a month, right? You two are essentially strangers who are at the very beginning of possibly getting to know each other. NRE is powerful and can be blinding, I recommend taking a deep breath and relaxing.
 
I agree with Marcus. And I totally disagree with NoahValentine - that is some of the worst advice I have ever seen on these boards. Truly, at this early stage of just starting to date someone, you seem to be blowing things way out of proportion. Get your head our of the clouds and your feet back on the ground, for goodness sakes!

You had four dates and now you think he's being cold and you've fucked up simply because he said he was busy. Why? People do get busy. People sometimes have bad days. People sometimes want to be left alone. You barely know him, so how would you know what is "cold" for him yet? And, you have no idea what sort of stuff he was dealing with when you were texting with him. He could've been preoccupied, trying to get something done, or he just might not have been in the mood to talk or plan anything with you at that moment - why would you interpret that as something wrong? People can have their moods, can't they?

Lighten up and stop worrying. Whatever you do, don't start scheming to not call him as a way of testing him - playing such immature games has nothing to do with the art of relating to someone. I mean, what prevented you from saying, "Is something bothering you? Everything okay?" instead of planning to give him the cold shoulder and strategizing to see if you get a certain result from ignoring him. Jeez, you are both adults, after all. If you're wondering whether he wants to see you again or not, ask him.
 
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I haven't really done the "Oh I am so cold and unavailable come chase me" game. I have not been throwing myself on people either, just been open about the fact that I am interested, if I am. If it was me, I would just say "Good luck on your studies. If you feel like relaxing together after the week we can be in touch".
 
Over-thinking ruins you. Ruins the situation, twists things around, makes you worry and just makes everything much worse than it actually is.

Relax if it is meant to be it will be.
 
Hi Jessica,

I kind of agree that the best thing to do here is ask this guy for clarification. Ask him, "Am I texting too much?" Ask him, "Do you still want to see me?" etc. etc. ... Don't guess and don't wonder, just ask.

It's probably too early to be able to tell if he is giving you the cold shoulder or is just really busy or something like that. Don't give up on him yet.

I hope you'll keep us posted.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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