I need a blog, so here it is.

[VolitileRollercoaster]

This is gonna be my journal away from my bullet journal.

Things right now with my SO and me are going okay... He wants me to take my time, not allow himself to flirt with anyone and focus on helping me through my process. It's very sweet and thoughtful of him. Though I worry it might become too much.

Our therapist has pointed out that I have a very bad habit of blaming myself for other people's misery and end up lying about my own emotions to make them feel better. It's a habit that is very hard to break, years of conditioning myself, unknowingly. My SO has been great at snapping me out of it before I spiral.

I still have my worries and fears, obviously, it's going to take some time. I spent my Saturday evening trying to sort out what I was feeling, if I, in fact, didn't trust him, or if I didn't trust myself to be able to follow through with what I'm telling him. I'm 100% sure I want to be able to share this with him, I've felt some compersion for things he has gushed about while talking with friends of ours he finds attractive and know about our situation. They've also been very kind and aware of me, which is awesome. But sometimes, he'll tell me about a similar thing and the compersion isn't there. I feel like I could chalk that up to just having a bad poly day, I'm pretty sure that's what it is, but thankfully I have my solo therapy on Tuesday. Hopefully I can unbox that. I also know that I do have depression, which has been rearing its awful head more frequently since I graduated college....

Otherwise, I'm feeling stressed about my nephew. He's skipping school and not applying himself, he seems to think he's stupid and he constantly lies to me and my mom (his grandma) about why he's skipped. I get home before her, so I usually am the one who has to sit down with him and discuss what's going on and it gives me a lot of anxiety. I'm afraid he's going to end up like my sister (his mom), and get hooked on drugs and just not give a damn about his life.

He's so smart, he has the potential to do so much better... I just want to run away some times to be by myself. I'm sure I'm not alone in that. The only think I can look forward to is having cool black and silver hair, since I've already started acquiring silver. Maybe I can implement it into an ethereal cosplay...

 

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My 4th was okay. I didn't do anything really related to the day at all, just went over to the SO's house. Things are kind of weird because wants to talk about poly stuff, but also doesn't want to trigger me or make me feel rushed just because of his wants. Which I appreciate the concern, but it makes for a really strange atmosphere and left me feeling very hyper-aware of myself and him/his tone.

I think that was mostly just my nerves and reading too much into the situation. I'm also a talker/fixer, I want to keep talking about problems until a solution comes, even though I know it'll take a while and things hinge on me really. He's been a dream handling all this and my processing. Much better than before. I appreciate how tender he is and we've both made strides in listening to each other, and it just solidifies that he definitely wants to be with me for the long haul.

I expressed how I hadn't felt that going through what we did the first time around. And I finally told him how mad and deeply depressed it had made me, and how forgotten/disregarded I felt. He knew that last bit, but it still felt nice to let it out, I know it's hard for him to hear about his fuck up, but it's nice I feel I can openly speak on it and have NVC with him. We talked about some questions posed to me in my intro thread, which I think was helpful for me. It kind of stressed him out, and rightly so for some things, but he assured me it was important and necessary to talk about it before we get to the metaphoric cliff edge. We have a google doc for us to write things like answers to those questions down and make sure we really understand what the other person is saying/said later.

I love him so much. I'm really glad I have my first solo therapy session next week. And I start my singing lessons with an old high school upperclassman I really respect.

Lately work has felt really claustrophobic, probably because I'm going to have a huge weight placed on me next week. My... supervisor(?) is going on vacation and I know maybe a 1/10 of what he does to get orders/quotes to move along. Maybe I should have him write down contacts and such for me.

I wish I had more time and mental capacity to focus on my issues instead of freaking out about work and fucking up everything and possibly losing people money on over priced cellphones and wifi devices...

 

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I had a revaluation last night. My sex drive has been low for a while now, and I realized that (duh) it's 100% because of anxiety/depression/stress.

.... Duh .... of course that's been the problem. Well, that coupled with body image issues and whatnot. I told my SO this (maybe I should just nickname him already, SO seems really laaaaame) and he asked if that meant if we kept on with polyamory I wouldn't want to have sex with him at all. Def not the case, especially since I've been feeling more amorous recently. I honestly haven't had much sexy me time in a very, very, very very long time. I haven't had the urge to really follow through if the need, and it was usual never a big need, hit me.

But now I've been feeling the "itch" more, and fantasizing more and initiating (to the best of my abilities, I've been sexually active since 18, and I'm still clumsy af) more. I can better express what I want sexually in and out of bed (texting), which is a really good sign to me!

SO and I have been talking more, way more open. He tells me when my wording is a little hurtful or misleading. I'm not the more eloquent when it comes to feelings, and I tend to overshare things that, in retrospect, I should have just kept to myself rather than offhandedly mention it, even if it's not a big deal to me. It might just be me subconsciously jumping on the opportunity for honest and open communication and word vomiting to get literally everything out, lest it go away again.

But we've also been using our google doc a lot and I think the bottom line for me is that I want to know and feel that I am his priority. I told him I felt left in the lurch for a long time. He was receptive and understood. It feels like we're really making headway and getting back to where we used to be, or to an even better place.

I'm feeling a lot more confident in him and myself.

 

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Holy hell we had such a great, constructive, amazing weekend. Now, my SO and I will be the first to admit we're rather dependent on each other, which can be problematic and probably informs some of the residual feelings i had from time to time. But, I went out for the first time in a long time on a Saturday with my friends without my SO. You see, when we first started dating I was living in Oregon for school and my SO was down in California. We knew each other through my ex (which is a story for another time) and had had a nice friendship forged over questionable childhood anecdotes and incidences (also stories for another time). We had drifted apart for a little bit and came together when both of our long term relationships has gone to shit.

Anyway, because of the distance, when I came back we spent as much time as we could together on weekends and that just became our norm. With all the issues we've had, I usually felt is necessary to continue that to try and alleviate the negative emotions we were feelings. I felt better when I was near him and could speak to him in person, feel his presence. It was a comfort even if there was an elephant in the room.

BACK TO THE POINT! Tl;dr, we don't usually spend much time doing our own thing, and we're slowly starting to. Last week we both went to a friend's play separately and on different days. I went with a mutual friend, he went with the one performing to be their house manager. The night was hard, we'd had a tiff which got resolved later. But overall, I did a lot of thinking (I'm pretty sure I mentioned it in my intro) and emotion diving and came up with some good stuff.

This Friday would usually be a Friday I'd do straight to his house after work because my office is nearby, but he's going to get a tattoo after with a friend (lucky) and I have tentative whiskey tasting with some friends. We're going to spend the Saturday at my house for the first time in a long time. TBH, I live with my mom, who's a bit of a hoarder and we have cats, 2 of which are young males we haven't been able to get fixed, so they mark the furniture and my SO is very sensitive to ammonia. I'm cleaning as best as I can this week to make sure he doesn't die from a massive headache.

Anyway that's not the point of this post lol. We're getting to a very good place. SO feels our foundation is steady again, but I have to disagree, we had a really big fight before I joined the forum that almost broke us up, and he's becoming more aware of some of the things he says and the way he says them that can make me feel a little rushed, and I'm getting better at expressing when I'm feeling that kind of pressure.

It's... It's just really reassuring, everything that's been going on. We're still talking about boundaries and such things, he's lurking somewhere on the forum. He gave me lots of compliments and told me lots of things I didn't know he felt about me and it was really nice. I think we've almost solidified what the both of us want from a poly dynamic and what happens if it goes well or not. The goal, obviously, is for it to go well, and he's willing to make sure I feel comfortable at all times. And I'm going to make sure that if I do it doesn't affect any relationship he might have going on, it wouldn't be fair to his secondary.

Right now, though, we're still in talks and lots of relationship healing. And I'm still feeling confident.

This week at work though is going to be trying and hard. I didn't get so overwhelmed that I cried today, so hopefully it won't be too bad.

 

[VolitileRollercoaster]

idiot

I'm a fucking mess and pushed myself to hard too fast and can only blame myself...