I want to end friendship with creepy guy

[Infinity]

[Post edited]

Thank you to all the people who responded to this thread. I am requesting it be locked now.

The topic of the thread was that I have a friend who has continually made sexual advances on me and wants a romance with me, even though I have told him I am not interested. He is somewhat disconnected from reality and has built up a fantasy relationship with me in his head. He gets very upset when I make it clear that I do not want more than friendship with him. This has been ongoing for a long time and enough is enough. I was seeking a way to end the friendship with him and have gotten really good advice from people on here about that.

Thank you all. I am deleting my original post in case that person comes across it and recognizes some of the more specific details. However I hope this thread may help anyone in a similar situation.

-Infinity.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you deal in this -- but move forward without him. This is what you want:

I do not want to be around Bob anymore, let alone be friends with him.

Go with it. Every person for themselves.

Let Bob deal with Bob.

Let Mary deal with Mary.

YOU could deal with YOU. You want out? Get out. No looking back.

I feel creeped out by him and his behavior. I also feel annoyed that both he and I let this go on so long.

So, what do I do? Do I owe Bob an explanation, or should I just say 'no, I'm busy' when he tries to contact me, until he goes away? What would you do?

Just say what you want. "Bob, I don't want to be around you any more. I do not want to be friends. Leave me alone forever."

No explanation required. You could remove yourself from the situation.

He doesn't have to understand it for you to get out. If he goes unhinged? He or Mary or his next of kin can get him to therapy to help him figure it out. It is not YOUR job to penetrate the muddy waters of his thinking. It is YOUR job to keep YOU safe.

Lose his number, change yours. If he comes calling around in person, do not open door. Say it point blank. "I don't want to be friends any more. Please do not call or come over. Please leave. If you do not leave or come again I call the cops. Thank you."

Then call the cops to get it on the public record if he is still hanging around.

I am worried, given how much Bob has built up the relationship with me in his head into something it isn't, that he may come unhinged if I simply tell him outright to leave me alone forever.

Bob is not your job. Do not get hoovered.

http://outofthefog.net

If you think he will pose a problem, keep a log, familiarize yourself with what it takes to get a restraining order, and do not hesitate to call the police if he shows up uninvited. Follow the steps. Help the system help you.

Add to this that Bob and I are in some of the same social circles and it would be good not to have a rift within these circles if it can be helped.

Better a rift than him pulling a stunt. You keep you safe.

Also, I do feel some responsibility for this, because I didn't end it sooner.

You DID end the convo. He wasn't let it be done.

Now you have to go hard-ass and sever the friendship because he still won't let it be done.

That is a natural consequence of HIS behavior, not yours.

Any advice and help appreciated. Even just a break-down of what is going on here, or any similar experiences? I've thought it over lots and I'm really looking for clarity on this. Please help.

Again,

http://outofthefog.net

Especially the toolbox link on the side. Just because Bob is having issues and going down with the ship doesn't mean you have to join him sinking.

Galagirl

 

[Infinity]

Hi GalaGirl, thanks for the quick reply!

I want to clarify: when you say 'just say no' to Bob - do you mean to each instance of him texting or calling and asking 'can we catch up'? Or did you mean that next time he contacts me I should just say 'no, we are not friends anymore'.

The first one would lead to more of a fade-out and *may* avoid him pressing for answers. The second one may lead to something more on his part -i.e. him wanting an explanation as to why the friendship has ended.

Thanks for the links: reading them now.

 

[GalaGirl]

I meant you contact him or when he next contacts you? You tell him straight up.

"Bob, I don't want to be friends any more. Do not contact me ever again." And then hang up. Boom! ​

He blows up your answering machine or voicemail? Save it for restraining order evidence. Figure out the sheet for where you live.

• He can want an explanation.
• He can want cookies.
• He can want to fuck you.
• He can want a dream car.

He can want all kinds of things -- over THERE. Far away from you.

Not your job to deal in Bob wants. You do not exist to be the delivery person for Bob wants. You are here to meet your wants. And your want is this. So go for it:

I do not want to be around Bob anymore, let alone be friends with him.

I could be wrong but he sounds like if he cannot get your positive attention? He will go for keeping you "busy" taking your negative attention. Riding the "But whyyyy?!" circular convo train, draining you. Anything so long as he is in your focus spotlight. Cuz if you are busy with him you aren't spending it on anyone else.

Unfortunately, the only solution I know to get rid of a slow draining emotional vampire is to cut off the supply post haste. Let them starve, act out or whatever -- IME they flit off to a new victim soon enough if you hold hard and don't let yourself get sucked back into their drama.

Let 'em flit.

You just keep you safe. Do not open the door, do not be alone with him. Put 911 as a one touch dial icon on your cel phone home screen. Keep cel in pocket at all times.

Galagirl

 

[Inyourendo]

Also if he comes around after you break off the friendship don't be alone with him again. If he comes to your house don't even answer the door sounds like he could be dangerous

 

[Infinity]

Thank you again for replies. I am reading the website GG posted and recognise quite a few of the traits in Bob - especially disassociation from reality or evidence which contradicts what he wanted.

The question I have about just contacting Bob and saying 'We are not friends - don't contact me again' - is this. It feels like it may be a little morally off to do that (as in, it may not sit well with *my* morals).

If I met someone once and then didn't want to see them again, it would feel like it was OK to respond like that. However, given the length of time that I was friends with Bob - it feels like the relationship may warrant a little more closure or explanation. A sort of 'don't I owe this person more than a slammed door in the face?'. That is something *I* feel, not because he is demanding it (though he might press for answers) but because I want to 'treat people right' in some sense.

Imagine if a close friend (and he thinks I am a close friend - remember, he's somewhat delusional and can't see what's been going on clearly) just said to you one day 'our friendship is over, never speak to me again'? I have had that happen and there's quite a sense of injustice which comes with it. A sort of 'what on earth went wrong there?'

I don't want to walk out of this feeling like I was unjust. Yes, I do want to end the friendship (I feel it is already over), but for my own integrity I want to give some sort of explanation which speaks my truth and reasons clearly. I would feel unfair if I didn't.

I am wondering if something like:

'The emotions between us are too unbalanced. I want only friendship: you want much more. I made it clear to you that holding onto those feelings was damaging our friendship but you did not listen. I now see that you put much more stock in this than I have. This to me means this friendship is unsustainable. I also found that you did not respect my request not to bring this matter up again. You have also told me that your feeling towards me will not change and you are unwilling to try to change them. I do not feel comfortable continuing this friendship for all of these reasons. I believe that clinging onto the hope of something with me has not allowed you to move on with your life and so I hope that this allows you to finally let go and move on also. I will be polite if I see you at social events but I don't wish to be friends anymore. Don't contact me again.'

Would work? I wonder if you guys can see why I feel that I should at least say *something*? It's, like I said, partly because I have been on the receiving end of a 'never speak to me again, this is over' with *no* explanation, both in quite serious relationships - and it sucked. I felt I deserved more - not to keep the relationship if the other person didn't want it, but to at least know *why*. It would have allowed me to move on much quicker.

On the other hand, I would not want such an explanation to be an invite to 'talk about it'. I think I'd just say or send that, if if Bob tried further discussion I would reply with 'I've said all I have to say, I will delete any more messages you send'.

 

[GalaGirl]

I can see why you want it. It seems a "nicer way" to part ways if parting ways has to happen. We are sometimes raised to do that... with healthy people.

BOB DOES NOT SOUND HEALTHY.

IME and IMHO?

Write it if you want to let it out. If you need help letting this go or processing it -- you could also see a counselor.

But could not send it to unhealthy messed up Bob.

You writing long things to a messed up person even with good intentions? In his wonky head it means "here's some of her attention, she still cares about me, she really loves me! etc." fuel for his wacky fantasies about you. All kinds of ways to twist it up in his head.

Result? He keeps hanging around looking for more. Which you do not want. Why risk fueling them?

I will be polite if I see you at social events

That bit sounds like an invitation to stalker you at social events so he can enjoy your politeness. Like the loophole to still "access" you if he is a "give an inch, take a mile" type. Or the other type -- "Ask for the universe first, so when I ask for a smaller unreasonable it seems "reasonable" by comparison."

It's giving him access keys another way -- At the party... "Why are you such a bitch!? I left you alone like you said, can't you even say hi at a party?" stuff. (<-- Creeper still trying to access you. And since you reveal you value politeness, you will likely be "polite" to get him to stop making a scene.)

It's just a slippery slope. I am concerned for you.

This is not a guy who listens or respect boundaries. That is WHY he is creepy. Why would he suddenly listen now?

I would cut losses, get out without sending.

But if sending it enables you to finally cut him off and get out? Then send it and cut him off.

Get it done and guard against him trying to suck you back in.

Galagirl

 

[reflections]

I'd like to second all of GalaGirl's previous advice. Bob is not healthy. I understand your pull to explain, but I think it's all too likely that he will read into it as "there's still hope." He needs a clear, direct statement that you two are no longer friends. End of story.

It may even be kinder to him to send a clear message like this than give him room to speculate.

Your description reads very stalker-ish to me. I understand you've been friends with Bob for a long time, and I don't mean to demonize him, but he sounds like he could be dangerous and scary. If he's not currently engaging in stalking (debatable given that he has been attending events with seemingly the only purpose of seeing you), I would be prepared for that possibility. Like other posters stated, never be alone with him. You may want to consider others ways to protect yourself - get a restraining order, let friends/family know where you are at all times, change up your regular routine, carry around pepper spray, and trust your gut. I would also highly recommend not responding to any follow-up contact (even asking for explanation) from him and document everything. Maybe he's able to handle the end of your friendship in a healthy way, but i would be preparing for the worst case scenario, given his inability to integrate what you say with his fantasties. I say all this after helping my friend cope with an ex-boyfriend who was unstable and was stalking her for a period of time after their break-up.

Keep safe and keep us posted.

 

[Infinity]

Thank you all, especially for the concerns about my safety. I will keep myself safe.

Reflections, I just want to clarify two parts of your post that seemed to contradict.

Here, you seemed to be suggesting that I don't explain myself, but just say 'it's over':

I understand your pull to explain, but I think it's all too likely that he will read into it as "there's still hope." He needs a clear, direct statement that you two are no longer friends. End of story.

But then you seem to be saying to clearly state the reasons *rather* than give him room to speculate on what they are?

IIt may even be kinder to him to send a clear message like this than give him room to speculate.

Thanks.

 

[reflections]

My apologies for not being clearer. I agree with GalaGirl's suggestion of a short and direct statement. Do not want to be friends. Do not contact me. (End conversation).

You have already explained to him that you aren't interested. He doesn't get it. What is different about this time? How will he understand more now, when it's evident that he is having some disconnection with reality?

When I read through your list of reasons, it felt like there were many places for him to say "oh, well she's just saying that!" or "if I change this, she and I will live together happily ever after!" He does not sound healthy. This would be a different conversation if he did sound healthy. IMHO, any explanations/reasons you give him just add fuel to the fire of his fantasies. You have told him you aren't interested. He continues to not "get" this and engage in creepy, stalker-ish behavior. You regret not being clearer in the past. So maybe being clear now is the best approach.

I hope that helps. I recall spending some time researching how to deal with stalkers when my friend was going through a similar situation. While I can't remember any resources off the top of my head, perhaps googling this could provide a bit more information.

 

[reflections]

Here's a paragraph from one website regarding stalking that reminds me of your situation.

Many victims struggle with how to respond to the stalker. Some victims try to reason with the stalker, try to "let them down easy" or "be nice" in hopes of getting the stalker to stop the behavior. Some victims tell themselves that the behavior "isn't that bad" or other sentiments that minimize the stalking behavior. Other victims may confront or threaten the stalker and/or try to "fight back." These methods rarely work because stalkers are actually encouraged by any contact with the victim, even negative interactions.

Source: http://www.victimsofcrime.org/our-p...ter/help-for-victims/stalking-safety-planning

 

[Infinity]

I really appreciate all of your replies. I am going to edit my original post now, and request the thread be locked. I am going to do this because I believe that I have gotten good advice from all of you on how to handle this. The message is clear. In a situation where I was dealing with someone of sound mind, then perhaps a conversation about why I don't want to be friends anymore would be appropriate. However, I am dealing with someone who has a disconnect from reality. He has already shown this in not really having it 'sink in' when I tell him I am not interested. Any contact I have with this person will increase his interest in me and will, to him, be an invite to more and more and more contact. I saw this already in my friendship, when 'being friends' was an invite to believe in 'more' - even though I stated clearly that was not going to happen. The best I can do is clearly state 'I don't want to be friends anymore; don't contact me' - and then block / ignore / protect myself from further contact.

I am editing the original post while I still can *just in case* the person it is related to stumbles on it.

Thank you for all your help.