talkstobees
New member
Hi, there! My name is Veronica. I am a 21-year-old, pansexual, non-binary woman. I am in a strictly monogamous, long-distance relationship with my partner, S, who I have been dating on-and-off for the past three years. This post will serve not only as an introduction but as a place for me to spill my guts to and be understood by a community that I sense I belong to. If anything, it'll be a relief to air my head and heart of some of these thoughts and feelings.
For as long as I have been forming romantic attachments, I have had non-monogamous inclinations. At 15, when my first boyfriend approached me at a party and asked for permission to sleep with my closest friend at the time, I didn't bat an eye and told him to go for it. About a year later, I was dating a different boy when I fell in love with a mutual friend of ours. Polyamory seemed like such an obvious solution to me, but the mutual friend was less game for the idea than I was. She agreed to give it a shot despite her discomfort with the arrangement. It didn't work out, and I inadvertently hurt her with my carelessness. I have been in a few monogamous relationships since then, but those relstionships ended for reasons unrelated to monogamy vs nonmonogamy.
More recently, I've found myself unable to ignore the frequency at which I'm developing crushes on people who are not my partner. It seems that nearly constantly I am supressing urges to flirt with and get closer to people that I meet. I'm somewhat sure that these urges would not feel as intense if the nature of our relationship was not long-distance, but I realize that even if I continue dating S until our lifestyles afford us the option to cohabitate and build a life together, these urges will not disappear completely. I will always harbor within me the desire and capacity to be in love with more than one person at a time, but I can't pursue other potential partners within the constraints of the relationship that I am in. A few weeks ago, I told S that I feel that maybe we should open our relationship to other people. After listening to some of the reasons why I felt that way, he told me that we should break up. It wouldn't be fair to either of us to continue a relationship that left me feeling frustrated and unsatisfied, he told me. The conversation got messier from there, and I backpedaled HARD. I told him that I could take or leave nonmonogamy, but it felt like a lie. I wasn't ready to part from him, and I still don't feel ready, but I feel that I must. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with S, potentially, but the thought of never again so much as kissing another person feels soul-crushing.
I know that this was long, but I need to know that I'm not alone in this experience. I'm so sad, knowing that this is the beginning of the end of one of my deepest and most enduring relationships. I feel liberated by realizing that being polyamorous is an important part of who I am, but it hurts to grieve my shattered hopes for the future as they are replaced.
For as long as I have been forming romantic attachments, I have had non-monogamous inclinations. At 15, when my first boyfriend approached me at a party and asked for permission to sleep with my closest friend at the time, I didn't bat an eye and told him to go for it. About a year later, I was dating a different boy when I fell in love with a mutual friend of ours. Polyamory seemed like such an obvious solution to me, but the mutual friend was less game for the idea than I was. She agreed to give it a shot despite her discomfort with the arrangement. It didn't work out, and I inadvertently hurt her with my carelessness. I have been in a few monogamous relationships since then, but those relstionships ended for reasons unrelated to monogamy vs nonmonogamy.
More recently, I've found myself unable to ignore the frequency at which I'm developing crushes on people who are not my partner. It seems that nearly constantly I am supressing urges to flirt with and get closer to people that I meet. I'm somewhat sure that these urges would not feel as intense if the nature of our relationship was not long-distance, but I realize that even if I continue dating S until our lifestyles afford us the option to cohabitate and build a life together, these urges will not disappear completely. I will always harbor within me the desire and capacity to be in love with more than one person at a time, but I can't pursue other potential partners within the constraints of the relationship that I am in. A few weeks ago, I told S that I feel that maybe we should open our relationship to other people. After listening to some of the reasons why I felt that way, he told me that we should break up. It wouldn't be fair to either of us to continue a relationship that left me feeling frustrated and unsatisfied, he told me. The conversation got messier from there, and I backpedaled HARD. I told him that I could take or leave nonmonogamy, but it felt like a lie. I wasn't ready to part from him, and I still don't feel ready, but I feel that I must. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with S, potentially, but the thought of never again so much as kissing another person feels soul-crushing.
I know that this was long, but I need to know that I'm not alone in this experience. I'm so sad, knowing that this is the beginning of the end of one of my deepest and most enduring relationships. I feel liberated by realizing that being polyamorous is an important part of who I am, but it hurts to grieve my shattered hopes for the future as they are replaced.
