I'm poly, my best friends (married) are not, I suggested a triad

[Moonkidd]

I've spent just about a decade journeying through life with my two best friends. They got married years ago and are monogamous (very happily I might add). We've lived together for years and they are family to me, including their children. A year and a few months ago I came out to them about being in love with them. They've told me they both have had feelings for me they don't understand. They know I'm poly and support my lifestyle even if they don't fully understand it. I've done my best to explain that falling in love with someone as close to them as I am, even though they're not defined as poly, is completely normal however different it feels to them. I let this information sink in and we lived normally for the year and a half until just a few days ago I came to each of them individually and proposed a triad. I've gotten confirmation from both that it's something they're willing to explore. The male partner has expressed concerns of feelings of jealousy because of intimate physical contact. At this point I get the vibe that, to him, he's the only one losing anything by sharing. I want them both, but would rather have neither if this is going to drive us apart or damage their relationship. Their established relationship comes first to me and I could never do something to hurt either of them, I love them beyond the edge of the universe. I guess my question is does anyone have advise about things I should share with them about being poly, how to approach the jealousy aspect or just talking points to help them decide if this is truly a journey they want to take with me?

Thank you for your time

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Moonkidd,

There is a Poly FAQ page which I think is good for people new to poly. It addresses a lot of the concerns that people have. There is also a book about managing jealousy, "The Jealousy Workbook: exercises and insights for managing open relationships," by Kathy Labriola.

I hope that helps a bit.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[AzureKnight]

I've gotten confirmation from both that it's something they're willing to explore.

If they're willing to continue to have the conversation -- that's a great sign.

The male partner has expressed concerns of feelings of jealousy because of intimate physical contact. At this point I get the vibe that, to him, he's the only one losing anything by sharing.

Explore his concerns with him. Let him talk about them, mostly listening and interjecting with whatever he needs be comfortable to keep going in the conversation. Be prepared to let the conversation stop for a while so he can process his feelings and sort out his thoughts (patient is required for this part, it might be hours, days, weeks).

This applies to the female partner as well. She may not have expressed some concerns yet, but it is important to give her a chance to think about if she has any and express them. That way they don't surprise her later.

Share your own fears with them.

Have the conversations in pairs and/or as a group, depending on everyone's comfort levels.

Suggest the resources that kdt26417 mentioned. The MoreThanTwo site is great.

I want them both, but would rather have neither if this is going to drive us apart or damage their relationship. Their established relationship comes first to me and I could never do something to hurt either of them, I love them beyond the edge of the universe.

If you haven't already, tell them this. Share with them what is important to you.