In love with non-poly girl, old lover coming to town! Now what?

T

TommyAnarcha

New member
BACKGROUND: I started living polyamorously with my ex-girlfriend and we had a great slutty relationship where we had all sorts of adventures on our own. When I became single again I promised myself that I'd always be honest with future lovers or partners from the beginning about who I am. I am poly and will never be monogamous again.

I recently met a girl that I am kinda really falling for. I told her on our first date that I am polyamorous and an active part of the local BDSM community, and that this is just what I do and what I am. She was really impressed with the honesty and she didn't back off at all. We've been dating for a couple of weeks and it has been wonderfully intense. We have not talked about polyamory since our first date. Now she has left to go working for the summer somewhere far away. We will see each other on occasion over the summer.

PROBLEM: The girl I am slowly falling for has no experience with open relationships and she is 100% vanilla. The latter is not an issue for me at all, but the former could be a challenge. So... an old lover of mine is traveling through the country right after the summer and want to meet me. I want to meet her too of course. We had an amazing connection back then and one intense love adventure that I want to repeat. At around the same time she is coming, the girl I only recently just met also returns.

QUESTION: I do not want this girl I just met to run away on me now that we just starting falling for each other. But on the other hand I want her to get to know the real me with all that it entails. How to best approach a person about this, who has NO experience with polyamory whatsoever and that you hardly know yet?

Any pointers greatly appreciated:)
 
TommyAnarcha said:
I do not want this girl I just met to run away on me now that we just starting falling for each other. But on the other hand I want her to get to know the real me with all that it entails.
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Just so long as you guys can have a frank conversation about each of your expectations you'll be off to a running start. As far as how exactly to broach the conversation? Here's my thought:

"I know we talked about the fact that I'm polyamorous when we met but we didn't really get into it. A friend of mine is coming into town and I plan on spending some time with her while she's here"​

Give her the statement and let her fill in the space with any of her concerns. If she gives you an "ok, great" then that makes the job much easier. However, if she returns with questions I suggest being as concise and honest as you can be.

"You mean you are going to hook up with her?" is pretty likely response/clarification request.

"That's a distinct possibility. She and I dated a while ago and had pretty good chemistry"​

Etc, keep it adult, be clear and kind if you can, but don't try to shield her from the truth. Often how we address a situation will shape how people respond to it. So if you present the topic in an apologetic way, asking for permission, or being sheepish you will encourage her to respond negatively. If your approach is "this is all ok, I'm just keeping you in the loop because I like you" then you will encourage her to respond in kind.

That's my two cents.
 
If she didn't scamper off after a first-date discussion of BDSM and poly, she may indeed be a keeper. However, I think that you may be putting the cart before the horse here.

Regardless of how intense your two-week fling was, three months apart can be a bit rough on a nascent relationship. Keep the lines of communication open but don't fret too much over something that may or may not even be an issue three months from now.
 
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