Inner Musings...


New member
New blog... my inner musings, things I've been thinking about, things I'm still exploring, maybe some day will include new adventures. For now, it's just a place I can roll around in the thoughts, in the questions, in the ideas.

Today's musings:
I've always been a serial-monogamist... until now. Now I am discovering more of myself, who I am, my desires by opening to poly. At first I felt like it required an action- I needed to have another partner in order to become something new. However, I have discovered that isn't so. I have already changed. I can no longer abide by the idea of staying forever with one person in a fixed relationship. I either find freedom on my own or freedom and stay together but freedom is the only option for my heart.

With monogamy, I was always a long-term relationship person. Dating was not something I ever did. I thought, well that's just who I am. Some people like real close one on one relationships, other people don't. Like those were the only options. I thought I was the kind of person who liked long-term relationships and yet I recently began to realize that too was a misconception.

When I was in the monogamy mindset, I believed I knew who I was and what I wanted. But perhaps I never even asked myself, never inquired, just went along with what felt socially acceptable. Did I ever offer myself options- what do you think about this or would you like to try that? I didn't do that. Instead I made a decision, a commitment and then never looked at other options again. I didn't even allow myself to become attracted to anyone else. I locked myself down tight. (I don't recommend this to anyone.)

This way of life hurt like hell. I was forcing the old square peg into the round hole and saying "See! It fits! It fits!"
It didn't. It never did.

So, as I open myself more to poly- which to me is freedom- I find that the idea of dating, the idea of allowing attractions feels better and better. Just because I did it one way before doesn't mean I'm locked into that choice forever. I can choose something new.

I am choosing something new :)
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Oh my god you're speaking the words of my life! Everything you mentioned about the monogamy mindset was spot on for me as well. I went my whole 20s believing that, that was the only way to do things And just going with what other people do or what everyone else does was the right thing to do. When I should have known better because in 2012, 10 years ago, I post the question that I might be poly but was turned away from it by someone close to me. What they mentioned was something about doves mating for life, And at the time I thought that made sense so I closed the door before I even opened it. Then the rest of my twenties were a roller coaster with my ex-wife.

"freedom is the only option for my heart."

This 👆🏻 times 1000!!

If you are not free or do not feel free in a relationship no matter what it is, then it is not right for you. I learned this the hard way. I am even learning how to exercise my freedoms in my current relationship which is an ongoing process. Because I was not accustomed to being able to do whatever I want (work on projects etc) while under the same roof as a partner.