consciousspirit
New member
New blog... my inner musings, things I've been thinking about, things I'm still exploring, maybe some day will include new adventures. For now, it's just a place I can roll around in the thoughts, in the questions, in the ideas.
Today's musings:
I've always been a serial-monogamist... until now. Now I am discovering more of myself, who I am, my desires by opening to poly. At first I felt like it required an action- I needed to have another partner in order to become something new. However, I have discovered that isn't so. I have already changed. I can no longer abide by the idea of staying forever with one person in a fixed relationship. I either find freedom on my own or freedom and stay together but freedom is the only option for my heart.
With monogamy, I was always a long-term relationship person. Dating was not something I ever did. I thought, well that's just who I am. Some people like real close one on one relationships, other people don't. Like those were the only options. I thought I was the kind of person who liked long-term relationships and yet I recently began to realize that too was a misconception.
When I was in the monogamy mindset, I believed I knew who I was and what I wanted. But perhaps I never even asked myself, never inquired, just went along with what felt socially acceptable. Did I ever offer myself options- what do you think about this or would you like to try that? I didn't do that. Instead I made a decision, a commitment and then never looked at other options again. I didn't even allow myself to become attracted to anyone else. I locked myself down tight. (I don't recommend this to anyone.)
This way of life hurt like hell. I was forcing the old square peg into the round hole and saying "See! It fits! It fits!"
It didn't. It never did.
So, as I open myself more to poly- which to me is freedom- I find that the idea of dating, the idea of allowing attractions feels better and better. Just because I did it one way before doesn't mean I'm locked into that choice forever. I can choose something new.
I am choosing something new
Today's musings:
I've always been a serial-monogamist... until now. Now I am discovering more of myself, who I am, my desires by opening to poly. At first I felt like it required an action- I needed to have another partner in order to become something new. However, I have discovered that isn't so. I have already changed. I can no longer abide by the idea of staying forever with one person in a fixed relationship. I either find freedom on my own or freedom and stay together but freedom is the only option for my heart.
With monogamy, I was always a long-term relationship person. Dating was not something I ever did. I thought, well that's just who I am. Some people like real close one on one relationships, other people don't. Like those were the only options. I thought I was the kind of person who liked long-term relationships and yet I recently began to realize that too was a misconception.
When I was in the monogamy mindset, I believed I knew who I was and what I wanted. But perhaps I never even asked myself, never inquired, just went along with what felt socially acceptable. Did I ever offer myself options- what do you think about this or would you like to try that? I didn't do that. Instead I made a decision, a commitment and then never looked at other options again. I didn't even allow myself to become attracted to anyone else. I locked myself down tight. (I don't recommend this to anyone.)
This way of life hurt like hell. I was forcing the old square peg into the round hole and saying "See! It fits! It fits!"
It didn't. It never did.
So, as I open myself more to poly- which to me is freedom- I find that the idea of dating, the idea of allowing attractions feels better and better. Just because I did it one way before doesn't mean I'm locked into that choice forever. I can choose something new.
I am choosing something new
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