Glenn, it sounds like there are a lot of difficulties in your relationship with your secondary that aren't really articulated or dealt with. You will often see cautionary advice in these threads that says that poly will expose cracks in your relationship that you didn't even know existed. There are so many challenges. Be solid with your partner before venturing further. This is usually said about primary relationships, but I find it to be true for myself as a secondary, too.
Rocky relationships are rocky (primary, secondary, tertiary, whatevs) and adding significant, new variables with lots of future unknowns doesn't improve the situation.
I don't know how long you have been with your secondary. Perhaps she will feel more secure with time. Is she still on the polyamory learning curve? Do you and she have agreements and/or boundaries or is the relationship closer to a poly anarchy model?
You mentioned other issues with her past. However, her issues are hers to resolve - or not. Her choice. There is no way to convince her to be okay with your actions if she's just not feeling it. You can't keep her from feeling hurt or inadequate, you can only respond to her reactions as best you can. Different people will react different ways to the same set of facts. She could own her feelings and choices and be okay with them herself.
"I do everything I can to provide her everything she needs." This...isn't realistic. I'm sure it makes you feel good to provide for her, but it sounds co-dependent. She will find what needs from you or others - and she'll do a better job of that once she can identify those needs.
By the same token, I think you could own your feelings and choices, too.
"She technically had no actually current rights to say who I can or can't see, however I would never see anyone without her permission." If you
chose not to see anyone until she okays it, that is your
choice, not her restricting you.
I hear that you are frustrated with your choice. You could choose differently and accept the consequences. Either way, I recommend being as clear as possible with her about what you are up to. It sounds like you are doing just that.
Since we don't know why she is jealous or worried about changes, the best advice I have is to talk to her, acknowledge any fears she may have as valid, don't minimize or dismiss them. Don't make iffy promises. @sparklepop just posted a link to great writing on how to validate without necessarily agreeing. Heck, @sparklepop's entire comment has great advice for talking to your secondary.
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=72068
When you and she have said everything you want to say, it is up to each of you to make your choices about how you want to proceed. Own your feelings/reactions without making the other person responsible for you. I hope you will find areas of agreement.
Perhaps others will have a different take on your situation, but I hope there is something in what I've said that helps you sort things out.
