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ClaraOswald

ClaraOswald

New member
So, I have continued to lurk for months now and debated off & on starting my own blog thread. Here goes, I guess, lol.

There has been so much that has happened since my last posts. Early in August, while on the way to an annual bike ride on the other side of the state, Moog rolled his car. The thought of what could have happened freaked me out. A lot. I made some more errors in judgement in regards to our whole complicated situation & very nearly lost Capaldi. Over the next few months I left things be for the most part. The next time things were brought up was in December and Capaldi had decided he was willing to give it another try. So since the day after Christmas Moog & I have had this thing. :) He still has the same viewpoint on his future (ie: moving on at some point into his own mono relationship), to the best of my knowledge so I'm trying to not read too much into anything ATM or overthink things.

Even more recently, as in this morning, Capaldi & I had another discussion. And, after a sleepless night (not entirely related to us), he has had an epiphany. It finally, truly appears that he has gotten over his fear of losing me and is more mellow about the relationship I have with Moog than he has been since the very beginning. He even made a few, um...interesting... suggestions for the future. So, at this point, I'd say things are going rather well. And I hope that continues to be the case.
 
Good luck Clara.

It's refreshing to see someone take the transition from mono to poly slowly. Far too often this forum sees "I'm so in love I'll destroy everything to obtain it."

For what it's worth, I think you've got the right approach. If this works out well for you, maybe you can help the rest of us work out how to do this properly?

Good luck Clara, you clever clever girl, ;)
Shaya.

ADDIT: Shouldda called your blog title the tardis, because there's more love on the inside.
 
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The Mods might change it for you if you ask nicely. Or you could just start the blog as a new thread again. That might be easier.
 
Busy week. But that's pretty much described the last month. Capaldi went to UofM's first community college summer institute, which was pretty awesome for him. He should have his associate's by next year. And after that it looks like he will be attending UofM for their cyber security program. Four more years & he'll have his master's. :-D And while he was gone I had a couple nights' sleepover with Moog, which was nice.

Our oldest daughter had her state cross country meet. She wasn't in the top 7 for our team, so she ran in the open race. Her younger sister ran with her & they literally ran holding hands for the entire race. Obviously wasn't the 6th grader's PR, but it wasn't a half bad time for the 3rd grader. :)

Moog's out for a ride with the team from his bike shop until later this afternoon. And then the plan is to go see the new Alien movie, which should be interesting seeing as I have never seen any of the others, lol.
 
Hi Clara,

It's good to see an update. Can I ask how Capaldi handles his insecurity and jealousy, or how you help him handle it? I said before, that I really feel you have a good thing going here. You guys seem to slide into polyamory like an oiled ball on a slippery dip, whereas most previously monogamous couples seem to thrash and flounder like a fish out of water. How did you do it?

I wrote a post on factors that I thought would help and factors that might hinder a previously monogamous couple when they sought to open their relationship. What factors do you feel helped or hindered you? What other factors would you add to this list?
 
I'm not sure there is any insecurity or jealousy left. It's like it just clicked for him that one night that I could love both of them. I'm not entirely sure how this total 180 degree change in thinking occurred, lol. He's even bringing up the idea now of the both of them doing terrible things to me at once, which I never would have thought possible after last year.
 
Anyone else actually ever have the more reluctant partner in a formerly monogamous relationship do a complete 180? I mentioned Capaldi's sudden change of opinion in my last post. And it has gone even from being super mellow about my relationship with Moog, such as it is, to, kinda at my suggestion, creation his own OKC account. He's currently chatting with another lady here in town. Even though I'm the one who initiated the changes in our relationship and don't expect to have the same amount of issues that he had initially, it still feels kind of weird to me.
 
You may have to ask on the relationships forum to get a wider audience.

Your question regarding his 180 is interesting. How long did it take before capaldi mellowed sufficiently to allow you and moog to have sexual relations? If he has been in full control of the speed with which you and Moog are taking this relationship and Capaldi has taken a whole year to get used to the idea, then suddenly going "I'm good with this" ... that kinda makes sense to me actually. If he's been hesitant about it, but you and Moog haven't been able to contain yourselves and have been breaking , pushing or constantly renegotiating boundaries in a manner that makes Capaldi feel like he has no control over the situation, then I can imagine him being very uncomfortable with the situation and a sudden 180 would be very surprising.

In summary, his comfort with the situation is likely to be a reflection of the amount of control he perceives he has had over this relationship, I think. I feel he may be confident in your love for him because of your willingness to put his emotional needs before yours. But I find it hard to really comment on this because there isn't that much information on this blog (which is perfectly fine, it's your blog!). :)

I'm glad things are working out for you. I really think a lot of us newbies to poly could benefit from learning from your actions over the past year and was hoping you'd be able to share the juicy details of your success with us. :)
 
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I may give that a try. :)

Well, originally he agreed to give things a try last May and it was shortly after that that things went south. So I tried my best to leave well enough alone for a while. Our current arrangement started the day after Christmas last year. At that time Capaldi's only thing was not wanting to hear things (ie: no fooling around while he was home). So most of Moog's & my time intimate time together has been on his two days off while Capaldi is at work.

Not sure I don't still consider myself a newbie, lol. And I guess I'll call it successful atm. I'm still my own worst enemy because of all the stuff that goes on in my head. Especially when it comes to Moog. I'm secure in my relationship with Capaldi...I would hope after 15 years & 6 kids I would be, but I impatiently want that same feeling with Moog. He's the one that I feel only sees this as a FWB situation, but I've made sure he knows that I'd like more.
 
Hey

Do you mean that he sees you as a friends with benefit or that he thinks you see him as a friends with benefit?
 
He sees me as a friend with benefits, to the best of my knowledge, based on a previous discussion or two that we have had. He doesn't see himself staying with us for forever & has said that he still wants "someone of his own". Of course, after the unexpected turnaround from Capaldi, who knows what could happen down the road.
 
It sounds like he is still searching for a primary or for monogamy. My feeling is that most men in Moog's situation would be reluctant to tear apart the existing relationship of a friend. He wants something you can't give him, or perhaps he wants something that he is unwilling to take from Capaldi. On the other hand, he seems to give you what you need, though it sounds like you might want a little more.

No problem here if you're all on the same page. However, if you can imagine Moog falling in love with someone else that he considers primary and if this would make you feel you have to fight to be Moog's primary by investifng more time into your relationship with Moog even at the expense of Capaldi, I would recommend looking at RedPepper's blog from about 2014 onwards where she chronicles her saga with a guy named Mono. It's a sad story unfortunately, but was an eye opener for me and taught me many things about poly.

Didn't mean to be a downer. But when you said Moog had a different feeling towards you than you did for him, it made me wonder stuff. Don't take it to heart if I just got things wrong. Good luck. You have a beautiful thing going here. :)
 
Shaya said:
However, if you can imagine Moog falling in love with someone else that he considers primary and if this would make you feel you have to fight to be Moog's primary by investifng more time into your relationship with Moog even at the expense of Capaldi...
Click to expand...

Nah, I'll just keep hoping and try to not overthink things too much. But I'm thinking that if Moog does move on I will most likely be done. Poly seems to be situational for me. Even now with all I have learned & read I don't feel the need to get involved with anyone else and there is nobody I already know that I'm interested in. So unless I get another guy dropped in my lap, my relationship with Moog feels like my only foray into polyamory. :D
 
Another crazy hectic day. Short round of errands became a nearly all day mission to find Capaldi a suit for his interview next week. I'm not allowed to share on FB since he's friends with the two coworkers he's likely up against for the promotion, but I figured it'd be nice to share a pic here so he'd have a face to go with the name. :)
 

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And, not to leave Moog out...here's a pic from last summer.
 

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It feels like it's been a long, slow start to the summer around here. Started with my ear infection I mentioned in my last, brief post. Ended up with our oldest in the ER not too long after that due to a cooking mishap. And I've been kinda freaked out about our budget recently, so we've haven't been up to much in general.
Capaldi did not get the position he applied for, so that kinda sucks. At least in the short term. They've recently had a coworker pass away, so, sadly, due to that, there is another opening. And his boss two levels up or so mentioned that he's hoping to put together a team for a specific ongoing issue. And he still has his five year plan involving finishing his degree in cyber security, so the long term outlook is still good.
Haven't gotten to spend as much time with either of my guys as I want. Moog's been busy with house sitting, cycling, & his boys. Been a bit better with Capaldi since I've limited the amount of OT he's allowed to pick up at work. Hoping to get out over the next few days with him & the kids. Go see some fireworks tonight & see what we can find to do on his other days off.
 
Overdue update

Well, seeing as it's been nearly 10 months since my last post, I feel I should probably check in, lol. Moog and I had a few issues towards the end of last year. His anxiety was getting the better of him for I wanna say a few weeks leading up to Thanksgiving. I noticed something was off and, since I was (and still am) bad at face-to-face serious communication with him, I texted him to see what was up. He told me that the physical part of our relationship was causing him too much anxiety and he didn't think he could continue with it. However it wasn't even a week later before he overcame that issue. So we are still roughly where we have been for the last year and 3 months. Still the second longest relationship I have ever been in. Not that it took too long to reach that record. And definitely not a bad thing. :)

Meanwhile, Capaldi has decided to not only be cool with things between me and Moog, but to actively pursue his own poly relationship. He has been talking with and seeing a lady he "met" on OKC for at least a few months now, I think. Seeing as I was the original instigator in the changes to our relationship, I really feel okay with things. Except for the fact that the only time he can spend time with her is during the middle of the week after school. Which, with his class schedule on top of our 4 eldest kids', is about the only time available for him to spend with me and our kids. He also plays World of Warcraft and raids Tuesday evenings, although that could change in the near future as his guild is having recruitment issues and may be switching servers, which we don't have the money for.

In general, I am just counting down the days until he is done with school for the semester (just under a month left...woot!!) and until the kids' summer break. I don't feel like I'm seeing enough of either of my guys or the kids. Homeschooling sounds better now than it did when the idea first crossed my mind, but that ship has sailed, lol.
 
Well, the last week or so has been super rough around here. Moog's ex-FIL passed away and while he was away for that funeral with his ex and their boys he got the call that his grandma had passed away. Some spring break.

And to top that off, I think the odds are pretty good that I'm pregnant. With him the most likely father. So he's seriously stressed out over that. Capaldi is okay with it, except for the timing. Not the best time for any more babies, but he's willing to roll with it. I'm afraid of the potential drama, but I'm mostly just stressed because Moog is. :(
 
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