Introducing the Concept of Polyamory to a New Partner

L

LondonGuy

New member
How do you go about introducing/educating a potential new partner on the ideas of polyamory when they have no starting point for the concept?

I moved north out of London 3 years ago and now live in the arse end of nowhere. The dating pool is small; people here are mostly conservative, traditional, heteronormative, non kinky, lack intellectualism and I have no desire to date most people around here...

I did have a first date yesterday though, we met over OKC and have a 92% match (which is around the minimum threshold I would consider), the conversation online was good but I noted that she hadn't answered any questions on non monogamy. So I decided to try to approach the topic in person and only if the date went well, I'm single at the minute anyway so this didn't really feel like cheating/deception.

The way she responded was to say that she felt polyamory sounded like it would be a way to make partners jealous. Anything that could incite a negative emotion in your life should be cut out and removed at source. She also said that her other major objection was the STD risk, which obviously can be managed.

It was a shame as I did enjoy the date... and I do think she seemed open minded in other ways, plus she was a strong, independent take-no-bullshit kinda girl which I like. So I'm thinking maybe of reintroducing the idea but a bit more tactfully, suggesting to do research and such.

Has anyone on here had previous success with introducing polyamory to new people? I've previously only dated people that already identified as poly (or at least already identified as open to the idea).
 
I suspect your best approach would be to find out her emotional concerns -
not her intellectual concerns. I'm of the growing opinion that people make up their minds emotionally about something, then find logic to back up their facts. If your date has had a past where one of her parents cheated, causing heartbreak in the family, that could make her emotionally unreceptive to polyamory with her logical reasons playing catchup to explain her emotional withdrawal to the idea (see my post on the juicy chicken phenomenon). If she feels her religion argues against polyamory, then again she may have a strong emotional unreceptiveness to the idea of polyamory. Arguing against her stated logic in this scenario can be unproductive because the fundamental issue is an emotional "no" to the concept of polyamory. If you find it hard to see my reasoning with this emotional/logic duality, consider the (unrelated) example of trying to convince an antivaccinator that vaccines are safe, or to convince a climate change skeptic that climate change is man made, or to argue a religious fanatic away from their religion - in all these examples, you're not arguing facts, you're arguing against their emotional connection to a topic. It is difficult to win an emotional argument with facts.

In short, my first approach would be to listen to her. Really listen. I would find out her 'real' reason why she is unreceptive polyamory, rather than the logical reasons she is giving you. If there are no emotional reasons for her to be anti-polyamory, then you can have fun with an intellectual discussion.

The intellectual discussion:
I'm sure you've tried the "you can love 2 children" approach. If not, have a look at morethantwo.com.

You could also try challenging her views on monogamy by pointing out that creatures in the animal kingdom that are monogamous tend to live for only a few days, with the odd exception that can live 10 years or so. Proceed to an intellectual discussion that the world average life expectancy in 1900 was 31 years of age and asking if she feels a life expectancy in the western world today of 80 requires a change in our thinking of romance.

Perhaps continue by pointing out that humans are rarely monogamous since that means one partner for life. Most people are actually serially monogamous. I'd go further to point out that most people are emotionally or sometimes even sexually non monogamous as they go from one relationship to the next. I made an argument that polyamory required us to abandon our (monogamous) requirements for sexual and emotional fidelity, whilst pornography use in monogamy could be viewed as relinquishing the sexual fidelity aspect of monogamy whilst retaining emotional fidelity. I doubt you'd want to talk to her about pornography though. Many people on this forum also didn't like my analogy, so maybe it's just a meh thing.

In summary, I'd try to empathise with her and strive to understand her point of view before presenting my point of view. My approach would be different based on her life experiences and her expectations of a relationship. Finally, pushing polyamory on someone who is clear that they want monogamy is unlikely to work. I'm sure someone who is polyamorous would not want monogamy pushed onto them.

Good luck. Hope you find some of this useful, and let us know how you go. :)
Shaya.
 
If she is interested in learning more about polyamory then she will look into the subject herself. You cannot ram the idea down someones throat. She has an opinion on it that doesn't match yours. Chalk it up to you are not a match and move on.

Don't be the jerk who shoves their beliefs down other peoples throats.
 
LondonGuy said:
The way she responded was to say that she felt polyamory sounded like it would be a way to make partners jealous. Anything that could incite a negative emotion in your life should be cut out and removed at source.
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This life philosophy is absolutelly not a good starting point for polyamory - so if avoiding pain rather than looking for growth is her guiding principle, just let her be monogamous. A much better match.

If she's intrigued by the idea, she will probably ask again.
 
If poly is non-negotiable for you, it's time to tell her that you really enjoyed your time together, but you aren't interested in monogamy, so you two aren't a romantic match. You've said enough about polyamory that she can learn more, from you other sources, if she seeks to.

Don't string her along, letting her assume you're okay with her preference for monogamy. And don't keep pushing the subject polyamory. Like others have said, it doesn't feel good to be on the receiving end of that.

Be kind. Be sincere. And be honest with yourself.
 
It's more just that until someone told me about polyamory for the first time I was clueless about it. Utterly clueless.

If someone had just presented me with the idea out of the blue I may have said "huh, that's weird!!"

I'm not going to try to bully her into being something that she's not, I'm not a jerk. But I also recognise that we are a good match in other ways, I recognise that she's quite open minded (and VERY intellectual in other ways), I recognise that she's involved in subcultures that often overlap with polyamory (kink, LGBT, geekiness) - so in many ways I'm thinking if I prepare for the conversation a bit better then I might actually get somewhere. If it doesn't then I say I've had a lovely time, but I think this has to be where we end things.

The thing is though, this is a conversation I've never had to have with someone before - I've previously only ever dated girls who also identify as poly. I turned to people here as I was hoping to find helpful advice from others who *have* had those conversations, not to be called a jerk or told I'm stringing her along.

The rest of the advice was really helpful though, thank you - especially Shaya :) that was really helpful - I'll get chance to read the links you've shared properly tomorrow.
 
LondonGuy said:
I'm not going to try to bully her into being something that she's not, I'm not a jerk. But I also recognise that we are a good match in other ways, I recognise that she's quite open minded (and VERY intellectual in other ways), I recognise that she's involved in subcultures that often overlap with polyamory (kink, LGBT, geekiness) - so in many ways I'm thinking if I prepare for the conversation a bit better then I might actually get somewhere. If it doesn't then I say I've had a lovely time, but I think this has to be where we end things.

The thing is though, this is a conversation I've never had to have with someone before - I've previously only ever dated girls who also identify as poly. I turned to people here as I was hoping to find helpful advice from others who *have* had those conversations, not to be called a jerk or told I'm stringing her along.
Click to expand...

As the person who used the term "string her along" I will apologize for extending my advice beyond the conversation you wished for advice on. My caution was general and forward-looking, and specifically couched within the possibility that you don't want a monogamous relationship with this person.

You mentioned that she hadn't answered written questions about nonmonogamy, and that she had very immediate negative reactions to the topic when you broached it in person. These are typically seen as signs that someone isn't ready for extended discussion on a topic. Which is why some of us are hearing that this is a good exit point, if you don't want monogamy. But of course you know her better than anyone here does, and you have a lot more sense of the potential and your willingness to invest here - and not much to lose.

You have some good advice here.

Good luck! I, for one, would love to hear how it goes.
 
This seems like an area that can only truly be sorted out with more conversation and communication with this specific woman. I think there are some things in her initial reactions that raise flags. It's possible she has a worldview that predisposes her in such a way as to make a non-monogamous relationship an unlikely thing for her to consider. On the other hand - like you've said - it's a pretty fair reaction if she were someone who has literally never even considered the possibility.

If I had brought up the notion of a non-monogamous relationship with my wife as recently as a year ago, I think I would have been met with a considerable amount of opposition. I myself, even as someone who has found monogamy theoretically pretty hard to defend for some time now, would have been pretty hesitant at the prospect of putting non-monogamy into practice. As it stands, after discussing it on a theoretical level for a few months, my wife and I are pretty actively considering giving it a try.

The trick, for you, is probably in figuring out how to keep the conversation alive long enough that you can: a) keep the notion on her mind for long enough for her to objectively weigh its merits; and b) figure out where her opposition stems from.
 
Hi LondonGuy,

You could introduce your new ladyfriend to Franklin Veaux's Poly FAQ, that might help. Although I have to say, it kind of sounds to me like her mind is already made up ...

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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