Is it ok to request alone time when you're in a closed triad?

[danieheartsu]

Hello all, so as my title says, is it ok to ask for alone time? Let me first say that this closed triad is very new, like 3 weeks new. Initially it was a v, Me & M and M & S. After getting to know S, I started having feelings for her. We all three sat down, talked, and decided to try and have closed triad.
Now don't get me wrong, things have been going wonderfully. As it turns out both M and S are very attentive to me, showering me with love and affection. The problem is that I am just getting to really know S. I can not say I am in love with her just yet, I am hoping it will eventually go there. I have had a relationship with M for 3 years now, so naturally my love and devotion still leans towards her. S and I both agree that it is ok for either one of us to want alone time with M, seing as we both had independant relationships with her. M just wants all three of us to be one big happy family and together all the time. As do S and I, but we still want alone time. What is the best way to assure to M that we are happy with our new unit and it is okay to have alone quality time as well?

 

[KC43]

Even in a closed triad, the triad is not the only relationship.

You and S have a relationship of some kind.
You and M have a relationship of some kind.
S and M have a relationship of some kind.

Each one of those dyad relationships, along with the triad, needs nurturing and time to grow and be maintained. If there is a problem between two members, or if one member feels another member isn't giving them enough attention, or whatever, the entire triad falters.

It's *healthy*, in my opinion, for you and S to each have alone time with M, as well as with each other if you choose. That doesn't mean you aren't happy with the triad; it just means that there isn't one (the triad) relationship involved, there are four.

 

[Inyourendo]

Yes, its completely reasonable and I would demand it. all partners should have alone time with each other because it's 4 separate relationships

you and m
you and s
s and m
all three of you

so you get alone time with each, they get alone time with each other and you have group time. I would just let m know that you want to build a stronger connection with S so you need to have your date time alone in order to do that.

 

[danieheartsu]

I totally agree with both of you, this is 4 different relationships. Each one has their own personality. S and I try to schedule time with each other and we are also the facilitators of alone time with M. M is just in the NRE phase of the triad and wants both of us all the time. I see where she is coming from, she was the initial pivot on our V so when the opportunity showed up to have both of her girls all together in a happy family she became super happy and is running with it. It is adorable and warming to see her so happy watching S and I's relationship grow independantly of her, but we need her to come back to earth and see that it is 4 relationships as well!
A part of me also thinks that this is her way of getting her time with us without having to balance both of us seperately. She doesn't have to though. S and I seem to have a better grasp at the whole balance and equality aspect of our relationship(s) than M does.

 

[IndieSolo]

Request? Whose permission do you need to manage your own relationships?

At three weeks into a new relationship dynamic, why would there be a need to reassure anyone about having one-on-on time with one or the other person? I mean, how much of a pattern could have developed in such a short time that reassurance is needed? Why such insecurity?

I don't get it.

 

[LovingRadiance]

I wouldn't say "it's ok to have alone time";
I would say it's IMPERATIVE that each duo has alone time and each individual has alone time and the group has time together as well.

 

[Orangesmartie]

I think it is a necessity to have time alone in each of the relationships of a triad - and I have really only just learned this and to understand what I need in this way.

In our closed triad, we never really did the dating thing (friends for 10+ years). And i and either of the other have never done the formal 'time alone' thing. They have time alone as a couple when i am not around. They don't generally go out on date type things - but that is their choice.

My female partner and i do spend time alone, curled up watching TV or out shopping and will often talk during those times about our relationship (as a duo as well as a trio) and other things important to us. she and i also spend more time talking on instant messenger on the weekends I am back home. (We live together in the week, i go home every other weekend).

My male partner and i never did that. When things went wrong (as they do), we'd generally talk about it to work out the issue and fall into sex. That is our way of connecting. However, recently we've (I) have had a major issue around my relationship with him. His suggestion was they we go out, on our own and talk it through. It was immensely helpful and sorted out some recurring miscommunications between us. We've agreed to do it on a regular basis, as well as our usual check ins. We agreed that our romantic relationship needs work, we've coasted along (quite well), but we recognise the need for improvement.

We go out for dinner as a three once a month. That is our 'state of the union' dinner, for us to bring up small niggles and anything else (including whats going well) before issues explode.

Its up to you to be clear with both of them about what you want from our relationships with them, what you need to feel secure and comfortable. Ask for what you need. If they say no, that'll tell you a lot about the relationship.

 

[danieheartsu]

Well me and M live together and S is at our place about 5 nights a week. I have no problem with this seeing as I get to spend time with S as well. This is, however where needing alone time comes into play. I want alone time with S so I can get to know her more independantly of M. I want M and S to have their time so they can build their fairly new relationship and I want M and me to have alone time because even though we are very strong, it doesn't hurt to continue to build up that strength.

I had a conversation with M last night, explaining my and S's reasons behind wanting each of us to have alone time with each other, basically stating in order for the main base, i.e me, S and M as a unit, to be as strong as possible each " leg has to be able to hold the weight equal to the other 2 if there should ever be any type of extra placed on us.. basically like a 3 legged stool. And although she was slightly upset because she doesn't want our honemoon phase to be interupted, which I assured her this will actually help lengthen it, she agreed with me. I just had to remind her that we have "family" time way more often than alone time so in that department we are completely ok and S and I are both happy how things are progressing and want nothing more than to contiue to grow and strengthen our unit.