Is polyamory a sexuality?

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DeanBrovant

New member
Hey, guys. This is my first post. It's a doozy.

I'm a heterosexual man, and I'd like to think of myself as reasonably compassionate and empathetic. (Lol, what a silly thing to say. :rolleyes:)

As a heterosexual person, I obviously cannot fully understand the desires of a homosexual man, but I do understand those desires are as valid and real as my desires. I am entirely capable of understanding why a man desires to love, and be loved by another man simply because I feel the same way but toward women.

I will say I have even spent a good amount of time exploring my own sexuality and have determined that if there is any part of me that is naturally homosexual, it is a tiny portion. Which is to say I acknowledge and am aware of a tiny part of me that has a physical and emotional attraction to men, but it is an extremely small part of me, and I am genuinely content never being in a romantic relationship with a man. That's something I couldn't possibly say if it weren't true. (And a damn shame. I've met some pretty awesome gay men who would be excellent partners. But, as I said...)

Sorry, I'm droning on.

My question is whether you all believe the desire to be in a polyamorous relationship is also a sexuality you are born with and cannot (and should not) change like homosexuality is. The reason I ask is that my desire to be in a committed triad with two women is an exciting idea on a lot of levels, but it goes deeper than that. It feels like a monogamous relationship with one woman leaves my life incomplete in much the same way a gay man who lies to himself about his sexuality and marries a woman will always have something sincere and real missing from his life.

Is poly-sexual a thing? Is my sexuality legitimately poly-sexuality?

I have been in a committed and exclusive relationship with a girl who I adore for nearly eight years. Sweetest person you will ever meet. I tell her all the time she is 'the best person' because I do genuinely believe a world filled with more people like her would be a much, much better world. I love her more than you can believe. She is truly an exception.

With that being said, there is still this real desire to add another woman to our relationship despite the fact that I should be completely content with such an amazing person. This is why I'm becoming convinced that polyamory is a sexuality. I've explored this idea with as much attention as I gave to exploring whether or not I am gay.

I've considered whether I would be happy in a relationship with more than two women. The answer is absolutely not. I've explored the idea of living my life with just one woman, even if she is the most adorable, sweet, and amazing person. The idea leaves a hole in me and causes me to feel anxious like I'm missing something essential in my life.

What makes this more difficult is that my girlfriend has told me, point-blank, that she is not interested in a triad. I don't push the topic because that would be disrespectful, but to add insult to injury, she has also said she is bisexual. The fact that she has an emotional and physical attraction to women makes me kinda feel like, "Oh well shit! We're so emotionally close to a triad why don't we just take the leap!"

(I should mention that I think that she believes my desire to be in a triad is all about sex. I mean, the sex would be freakin' great of course, but one of these days I'll have to try to find the right words to tell her it's far more than that to me. It's something that may very well be hard-wired into my sexuality and not a silly fantasy.)

Alright, there's my long-winded conundrum. You all seem to be a group of understanding, introspective, and emotionally intelligent folks. What are your thoughts on this? Am I being obtuse?

Thoughts? (Thank you for your time, you lovely humans. I've been told my speaking style is a little blunt and insensitive. I hope no one is offended by any portion of this. That's absolutely not my intention.)
 
I do believe some people are "naturally poly", but I think those people have a consistent philosophy when it comes to having multiple relationships. They wouldn't be hung up on closed relationships or gender based restrictions or restrictive rules in general. They'd believe in one's ability to love without exclusivity so much that it wouldn't seem logical to try and control that to protect a relationship.

A triad might be attractive to such a person, but their innate understanding of relationships and people would mean they'd know the chances of three people gravitating organically towards a closed structure ike a triad would be slim. They'd be open to it, but by no means would it be a goal.


I think bisexuality has little to do with polyamory. I think that even if being polyamorous is part of sexuality, it is different aspect of sexuality than the sexual orientation part. So, for me, it doesn't naturally follow that your bisexual girlfriend would be attracted to the idea of a triad.
 
Hey, blunt and insensitive will fit in really well here...lol

My theory is that polysexuality is the natural human state. Monogamy is an evolved social structure. Humans have to work really hard to make monogamy work.

Since people of all sexualities can be poly, I would not consider it a sexuality in that sense.
 
Hello DeanBrovant,

Homosexuality is a word that is exclusively designed to describe an orientation. It is not meant to describe the actual act of putting homosexuality into practice in one's life. In that way, it is different from the word polyamory, as polyamory can be used to describe either an orientation (a "relationship orientation") or the actual circumstances (choices in action) of one's life. (Or both.) Depending on the context and intent. So, I could say that I was polyamorous, and that could mean that I desire/am open to the idea of (romantically) loving multiple people, or, I could say that I was polyamorous, and that could mean that I am living in a polyamorous situation (e.g. in a romantic relationship with two actual partners). You are not yet *in* a polyamorous relationship, but you *do* have polyamorous desires. In that sense, you are (already) polyamorous.

Another thing that seems (to me) to influence whether polyamory is "a choice" or "an orientation" is, the degree to which one is internally poly. That is, if one is about 50% poly (and 50% monogamous), then one can go either way and the decision to live polyamorously is a choice, not an orientation. Whereas if one is 90% (or more) poly, then for that person, polyamory is mostly (or entirely) an orientation. You seem to be mostly, perhaps 90%, poly, so for you, poly is an orientation. I say 90% because you do seem to be able to enjoy being in an ostensibly monogamous relationship *for the time being* (even though you desire a polyamorous relationship in the long run). Of course as I said, whether polyamory is an orientation or an existing situation, also depends on who's saying the word, and the context in which they're saying it.

Re: polysexual ... is a word already widely in use, but with a different meaning than what you were suggesting. Polyamory, summed up in two words, literally means "many loves." The "-amory" part is where we get "loves." Polysexual means "many sexual partners." In other words, a polysexual person is not *in love* with these sexual partners, they merely have sex with them. I mean I guess if you want to think of polyamory as a *sexual* orientation, the word polysexual would make sense. But polyamory, even though it *can* (usually does) involve sex, is not so much of a *sexual* orientation, it is a *relationship* orientation. It describes how many romantic *relationships* you desire (more than one), rather than how many mere *sexual* partners you desire.

And of course as I mentioned, "polyamory" can *also* be used to describe how many romantic relationships you are already *in.* This flexible usage is what sets the word apart from the word homosexual, although like homosexuality, polyamory *can* denote *one kind of* orientation. It's just that homosexual can *only* describe an orientation. At least, that is the stance of those of us who are not homophobic, right? There are those who argue that homosexuality is a choice, but I don't subscribe to that argument. And besides, even if it were a choice, it would be a choice to *be* a certain way, rather than a choice already in action in one's life situation. Whereas poly can mean a choice in action. Hopefully that all makes sense.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You'll get opinions all over the map whether poly is an innate orientation or a choice. What matters is what you value and what you need. You seem to fear that if poly is a choice, then it's a mere "silly sexual fantasy" and doesn't merit the standing of a "real" value like monogamy. If polyamory is a highly esteemed priority for you, then it's a highly esteemed priority for you, just as monogamy is a highly esteemed priority for many others. You don't need the validation of "hard wired" to prove to your GF or to yourself that poly is worth prioritizing.

As for bisexuality, many people mistake bisexual for requiring both. Bisexual does not mean that a person wants multiple romantic sex partners, it only means that a person can feel desire for men and for women. You feel desire for women, but you do not want to be romantic sex partners with every woman. In my experience, most bisexual people prefer monogamy, although obviously some opt for open relationships of some sort. That your GF happens to be bisexual has no bearing on whether she highly values monogamy or not.
 
Duplicate post - my apologies.
 
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Vinsanity wrote:

My theory is that polysexuality is the natural human state. Monogamy is an evolved social structure. Humans have to work really hard to make monogamy work.

Since people of all sexualities can be poly, I would not consider it a sexuality in that sense.
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Yep - almost everyone - say by the age of 40 at the latest - has had the experience of feeling romantic love or, at least romantic attraction, for more than one person at the same time. It certainly would seem to be the natural human condition. (Ryan's Sex at Dawn is an excellent book on the subject).

Polyamory is the decision to act upon those feelings and make the choice to have multiple relationships in an ethical manner- not the feelings themselves. Monogamy is the decision not to act upon those feelings and limit one's self to one romantic/sexual relationship at any given time - in many cases due to cultural conditioning, religious belief, or societal acceptability.

If there is an "orientation" in regard to polyamory, it might in that some individuals might be more prone to make the choice for a polyamorous lifestyle, and others might be more inclined to make the choice for a monogamous lifestyle. However, even then, I don't know that the inclination either way is innate or due to environmental influences (such as the various forms of cultural conditioning).

My two cents worth. :)

Al
 
Al99 said:
Vinsanity wrote:



Yep - almost everyone - say by the age of 40 at the latest - has had the experience of feeling romantic love or, at least romantic attraction, for more than one person at the same time. It certainly would seem to be the natural human condition. (Ryan's Sex at Dawn is an excellent book on the subject).

Polyamory is the decision to act upon those feelings and make the choice to have multiple relationships in an ethical manner- not the feelings themselves. Monogamy is the decision not to act upon those feelings and limit one's self to one romantic/sexual relationship at any given time - in many cases due to cultural conditioning, religious belief, or societal acceptability.

If there is an "orientation" in regard to polyamory, it might in that some individuals might be more prone to make the choice for a polyamorous lifestyle, and others might be more inclined to make the choice for a monogamous lifestyle. However, even then, I don't know that the inclination either way is innate or due to environmental influences (such as the various forms of cultural conditioning).

My two cents worth. :)

Al
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If you noticed, I used the word "polysexuality". Polyamory is just one way to express that. There are plenty of people who "choose" monogamy, yet still cheat.
 
It's completely normal to feel amorous toward more than one person. This is nothing new under the sun. If feelings define a thing then the whole human race, with few exceptions, is polyamorous.

The CHOICE to act on this attraction is what's being discussed here.

I don't consider that an 'orientation.' I consider it a choice. Almost everyone has been attracted to multiple people at once, even when married. Those who say, 'oh, well, I'm in a relationship/engaged/married, so not going to pursue it' are called monogamous. Those who say, 'I'm in a relationship/engaged/married but will pursue another relationship anyway' are polyamorous. It's a choice.
 
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