Is this ok or unfair?

It's plain discrimination. Yes, it's the same as if he said I only want to date Black women, or Asian women, or skinny women. But this kind of thing happens all the time. It's a shitty situation, just like getting too fat for a partner who likes skinny people sucks. It can really feel like a punishment when you make an effort to relax your preferences and your partner does not, or even tightens theirs. Of course it does. How can it not? Especially when this preference specifically affects you, and potentially means the end of your relationship.

In my opinion, poly creates the opportunity to relax your standards and be less picky. If I could speak with your partner, OP, I would say, "Come on, man. Why would you need to break up with her? Just because she's mono? Because you need someone who is poly? Why would you do that when you can have someone who is poly AND someone who is mono?" Sorry, but this is a no-brainer.

But some people don't see it that way. You always have to commodify relationships to some extent. It can't be helped. But there is such a thing as too much commodification. It sounds like your partner wants to max out the awesomeness of his partners, no matter if he has one or two or three. There is no room for someone who is great in this department and lacking in others, and it doesn't matter if the lack can be made up by another partner. He wants partners who are awesome in all departments, all the time, all the things! He wants poly women and has no time for you. No room for unique and special snowflakes, only ideal snowflakes with the means to serve his ends (which don't really exist).

Okay, I'm dramatizing this a bit. Maybe this is a worst-case scenario. I don't know if I would date someone like that. Sure, my partner has preferences. I am dating someone new right now who has a no-kissing rule. My partner says he could not do that. Kissing is a must. He would not date her. Me, on the other hand? I don't see a problem. I can kiss other people. I don't need to kiss her if she doesn't want to, and we do other fun stuff together. If I really want to, I CAN JUST GO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO KISS AND ENJOY WHAT WE HAVE. Is this so difficult of a concept? I don't think so.

*shrug*
 
lili said:
Me on the other hand? I don't see a problem. I can kiss other people. I don't need to kiss her if she doesn't want to, and we do other fun stuff together. If I really want to, I CAN JUST GO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO KISS AND ENJOY WHAT WE HAVE. Is this so difficult of a concept? I don't think so.
Click to expand...

Unfortunately, the monogamous impression that one person has to meet all relevant needs tends to get grandfathered in to polyamorous worldviews. I personally have struggled with these kinds of limitations only to discover, "Oh, that's a mono issue which doesn't even remotely apply to me? Awesome!!"
 
that is a totally different concept of discrimination lili

in fact I would not call it discrimination since who you date, fuck, love , commit to, or have a child with is a decision that you and you alone do not need any justification for accepting one and not the other into your life. It is the same reason it doesn't matter how bad you would like a specific person to be in your life, if they choose not to, there is nothing you can do about it without seriously violating another person, and that includes any interactions throughout life you may have with them later on in any dynamic.

I would agree that a person who is so shallow that they would date the same soul housed in Caucasian, not not Latino is not someone I would have much respect for, but I would respect there rights to do so. I would think is showed a truly flawed sense of character if anyone would date the same soul housed in a great looking house but refuse them in unattractive house

but I would respect their rights regardless of me not being able to respect them as a person.

I see it as not at all the same type of bigoted discrimination that is factually, unlawful discrimination such as withholding rights and privileges from any citizen which the Constitution explicitly guarantees.

There is no law that says you can't hate African Americans, or LGBT people, and there is also no law that says you date or sex with anyone you choose not for any reason what so ever.

Laws are written for stupid people, and unfortunately, there are many ways to live that don't technically break any written law, however the behavior is exactly the behavior certain written were enacted to prevent.

and any time you need to draw, I do not believe it is hard to label anyone within the vicinity of said lines as being in the right or being in the wrong. It is usually fairly clear, despite how sometimes people believe how muddy things appear.
 
Dirtclustit said:
I would agree that a person who is so shallow that they would date the same soul housed in Caucasian, not not Latino is not someone I would have much respect for, but I would respect there rights to do so. I would think is showed a truly flawed sense of character if anyone would date the same soul housed in a great looking house but refuse them in unattractive house
Click to expand...

I can see your point. But I'm sticking to my guns. It's all discrimination. There are just some forms of discrimination we tolerate more than others, for whatever reason. And a part of me thinks that breaking up with someone because she is monogamous at heart is no different than breaking up with someone because she is Black.
 
For that example, it doesn't really matter

unless you believe a person shouldn't be able to break with a person after finding out who they thought was poly is really mono, or if they were blind and didn't know the skin color or their partner.

The funny thing is, blind people for some reason tend not to be as bigoted as those with functional vision,

you can call it whatever you want, or state it as being the same thing in your eyes as any other situation

the only distinction I was making is that I believe there is both right and wrong ways to discriminate.

Discrimination that is not wrong, I would call preference. While I would call the person who won't date a person of African descend, for no other reason than having black skin, a bigot.

However people who exhibit bigoted behavior tend to wrongly discriminate in many other ways, so even if they by chance get lucky and discriminate in a way that isn't inherently wrong, doesn't really matter to me, a bigot is a bigot
 
Last edited:
I freely admit I prefer to date/partner up with pansexual polyamorous people. Because I am one. Therefore we have more in common. Both my current partners are poly, pansexual, kinky, and also queer like me. It makes it easier to perv on cute people we see on the street. Or on Fetlife. No one gets jealous-- everyone likes a cute boy, a cute girl, a cute ambiguously-gendered person, etc.

I have dated straight "mono" men, and it was fine, but things didn't last. Hmm...
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top