Is this reasonable?

[Noyse]

I like the theory of being poly, but I don't want to get too deep into it and possibly hurt people's feelings without having an idea of if my idea polyamory could feasibly translate into reality.

I like the idea of my partner having someone else to rely on.

In my head someone who is poly would be okay with me having intimate friendships.

In my head I'd like a partner who would be okay going against social structure, and thus willing to talk out how we interact.

 

[IndieSolo]

Polyamory is simply the act of openly and honestly having, or the desire to have, more than one loving relationship at the same time, with each party fully consenting. How poly manifests in one's life varies from person to person, but basically if everyone is treated with respect, kindness, empathy, and compassion -- just like in monogamy -- it would be a reasonable way to do it.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Noyse,

Your description sounded perfectly reasonable to me ... Doesn't mean your ideal poly partner/relationship will fall out of the sky and drop in your lap, but it does mean that I believe people are out there who would accept your ideals/conditions.

Is there anything about polyamory that frightens you or makes you nervous? Perhaps it's very new and that's why you're feeling cautious? It is definitely wise to do a lot of reading (and posting) to find out as much about poly as you can -- and there are no poly experts. We're all poly beginners, in my opinion.

A couple of books you might want to read:

• "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.
• "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.

Perhaps that helps?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Noyse]

Is there anything about polyamory that frightens you or makes you nervous? Perhaps it's very new and that's why you're feeling cautious?

The idea of being monogamous has always given me the heebie jeebies, and I've never had a relationship before. As a result most of my information that states "Polyamory might be a good idea for you if your monogamous relationship failed because of X, Y and Z" doesn't apply to me and that it makes me feel rather insecure.

I've also broken a few hearts in my lifetime, and I'd like to avoid that is possible.

 

[IndieSolo]

I've also broken a few hearts in my lifetime, and I'd like to avoid that is possible.

One of the risks inherent in having relationships is someone getting hurt. Usually this is due to having expectations that cannot be met, and hanging one's happiness all on those expectations. You can't make decisions about what is good for someone else - if they are willing to enter into a relationship with you, then it stands to reason that they are willing to accept the risks that go along with their choice. The potential for joy and satisfaction in relationships is always accompanied by the potential for pain and sadness. If you're going to try and avoid the hard parts, you will severely limit possibilities for having the good parts, or having any relationships at all. Disappointment is a part of life and of relating with others, so the best way to mitigate that is to be honest and upfront about what you want, and to keep your expectations in check.

 

[Len51]

Our idea of poly is much different than most. We do not want or would enjoy having either of us in an intimate relationship without the other also a part of it. We have seen what happens when one or both spouses has outside their primary relationship. It rarely ends well. Just read the posts in this forum and few have happy endings or go well for a long time. Emotions and love are no respecter of rules and trust. Well trusted spouses cheat all the time.

I used to date without my wife and I fell in love three times. When you have sex, hormones are released that emotionally bond you with your sex partner. Sooner or later you will fall in love if you like each other first. The other danger is that your girlfriend is only with you for sex and fun. They are not on your back to do more around the house, go to the store, and do all the boring stuff that has to be done in a marriage. For this reason, they are more exciting and appealing than your wife who you just had an argument with.

I even left my wife once for a brief period of time because I loved my girlfriend so much. Luckily I saw the light. My wife never fell in love with a male because she said she needed an emotional bond with someone before she could enjoy sex. She did fall in love with her girlfriend but quickly brought her into our marriage as our third. Naturally I fell in love with her two and thus my wife was smart enough to figure out a way to avoid what happened to other couples in this lifestyle that we knew.

You need to go into this knowing that the reality is much different than reading about it and getting excited. In reality you do not control all the others. They have their own feelings which may not match yours. Also beware that new love is always more exciting. Who does not get excited with a new sex partner? It is new and different. There is a big difference in your gf/wife saying it is OK and the reality of how she starts to feel. It is a juggling act at times to make sure all parties feel equally loves and paid attention to. Your wife/gf can easily feel that you are paying more attention to the other woman by how you act, how eager you are to see her and how much happier you are before and after seeing your gf.

All I would say is that I have seen poly fail in the long term much more than succeed like we did for 4 decades. Just read the posts by others where they talk about their problems. As much as some want to think that poly is the way to go, evolution conspires to keep a couple together using jealousy and emotional bonding. If those two things did not work well to pass on our genes, we would not be here. Just go into it with eyes wide open. It is not the wonderland that some make it appear. Also note that in all forums on the internet, many more say they are doing things than actually do them. Do not believe all that you read.

 

[GreenAcres]

It's great your triad works for you, but the reality is that they fail spectacularly for most. Do a search here on "unicorn hunter, "and you'll see many more tales of woe and heartbreak with triads than with most any other poly configuration, and definitely more than couples dating separately. If a triad falls together naturally, as it sounds yours did, rather than when a couple goes looking for it, there's a better chance of it working, it seems; but, most folks who've been poly for awhile have seen what happens most of the time and recommend against dating only as a couple.

Our idea of poly is much different than most. We do not want or would enjoy having either of us in an intimate relationship without the other also a part of it. We have seen what happens when one or both spouses has outside their primary relationship. It rarely ends well. Just read the posts in this forum and few have happy endings or go well for a long time. Emotions and love are no respecter of rules and trust. Well trusted spouses cheat all the time.

I used to date without my wife and I fell in love three times. When you have sex, hormones are released that emotionally bond you with your sex partner. Sooner or later you will fall in love if you like each other first. The other danger is that your girlfriend is only with you for sex and fun. They are not on your back to do more around the house, go to the store, and do all the boring stuff that has to be done in a marriage. For this reason, they are more exciting and appealing than your wife who you just had an argument with.

I even left my wife once for a brief period of time because I loved my girlfriend so much. Luckily I saw the light. My wife never fell in love with a male because she said she needed an emotional bond with someone before she could enjoy sex. She did fall in love with her girlfriend but quickly brought her into our marriage as our third. Naturally I fell in love with her two and thus my wife was smart enough to figure out a way to avoid what happened to other couples in this lifestyle that we knew.

You need to go into this knowing that the reality is much different than reading about it and getting excited. In reality you do not control all the others. They have their own feelings which may not match yours. Also beware that new love is always more exciting. Who does not get excited with a new sex partner? It is new and different. There is a big difference in your gf/wife saying it is OK and the reality of how she starts to feel. It is a juggling act at times to make sure all parties feel equally loves and paid attention to. Your wife/gf can easily feel that you are paying more attention to the other woman by how you act, how eager you are to see her and how much happier you are before and after seeing your gf.

All I would say is that I have seen poly fail in the long term much more than succeed like we did for 4 decades. Just read the posts by others where they talk about their problems. As much as some want to think that poly is the way to go, evolution conspires to keep a couple together using jealousy and emotional bonding. If those two things did not work well to pass on our genes, we would not be here. Just go into it with eyes wide open. It is not the wonderland that some make it appear. Also note that in all forums on the internet, many more say they are doing things than actually do them. Do not believe all that you read.

 

[KC43]

To me, saying "a lot of polyamorous relationships don't last over a long period of time" is a bit irrelevant to the question of whether they *can* last. A lot of monogamous relationships don't last over a long period of time either. You may not have seen many polyamorous relationships last for four decades, but how many monogamous relationships have you seen that have lasted that long?

 

[IndieSolo]

We have seen what happens when one or both spouses has outside their primary relationship. It rarely ends well. Just read the posts in this forum and few have happy endings or go well for a long time.

You are wrong, sir. Quite consistently, what is more often seen here is that couples dating separately are much more successful in having happy and satisfying poly tangles than couples who only date as a team. Furthermore, the only triads and quads that seem to succeed are the ones that "just happen" naturally and organically. The most prevalent, biggest, fattest failures happen to those couples that go unicorn hunting and try to fit a woman into the pre-conceived role they want for her.

Additionally, longevity of a relationship is not the only indicator of success. A good relationship can be absolutely wonderful for all involved, even if short-lived.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

We have seen what happens when one or both spouses has outside their primary relationship. It rarely ends well.
I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT V RELATIONSHIPS, OFTEN WITH ONE MARRIAGE, IS PRETTY STANDARD FOR SUCCESSFUL POLY RELATIONSHIPS. THE POLY PEOPLE I KNOW ALL DO VEES (OR MS OR WS).

ANOTHER THING ; WHEN I MET MY BOYFRIEND IT SOON BECAME CLEAR THAT MY HUSBAND WAS NO LONGER THE SOLE PRIMARY. I SHARE EVERYTHING EQUAL BETWEEN THEM. IT TOOK MY HUSBAND A WHILE TO ADJUST, BUT NOW HE SAYS IT IS ONLY NATURAL. IT IS LIKE WE HAVE ALWAYS DONE IT LIKE THIS. NOT EVERY RELATIONSHIP HAS JUST ONE PRIMARY.

The other danger is that your girlfriend is only with you for sex and fun. They are not on your back to do more around the house, go to the store, and do all the boring stuff that has to be done in a marriage. For this reason, they are more exciting and appealing than your wife who you just had an argument with.
I LIVE IN TWO PLACES, WITH TWO HOUSEHOLDS. I DO BORING AND EXITING STUFF WITH BOTH OF THEM.

I even left my wife once for a brief period of time because I loved my girlfriend so much.
WELL IF THERE EVER WAS A THING NOT POLY, THAT IS THE ONE.

Also beware that new love is always more exciting. Who does not get excited with a new sex partner? It is new and different...
THAT'S WHY WE CALL IT NEW RELATIONSHIP ENERGY.

It is a juggling act at times to make sure all parties feel equally loves and paid attention to.
AFTER THE FIRST YEAR, IT JUST GETS EASIER. THEY ARE NOT JEALUS NOR VERY INCLINED TO FEEL NEGLECTED. PERHAPS GUYS ARE EASIER?

...As much as some want to think that poly is the way to go, evolution conspires to keep a couple together using jealousy and emotional bonding. If those two things did not work well to pass on our genes, we would not be here.
AS MUCH AS SOME WANT US TO THINK MONO IS THE WAY TO GO, RAISING KIDS IN LARGER GROUPS HAS BEEN THE STANDARD, FOCUS ON THE COUPLE IS A NEW THING IN CHILD RAISING HISTORY. MEN HAS THROUGHOUT HISTORY ALWAYS BEEN ABLE TO HAVE MULTIPLE LOVERS AND BEGET CHILDREN BY THEM. SOME RARE PARTS OF THE WORLD, THAT HAS BEEN THE RULE FOR WOMEN TOO. AT THE SAME TIME, PEOPLE ARE WIRED FOR WANTING TO FEEL SPECIAL AND PERHAPS EXCLUSIVE, AND MONOGAMY HAS BEEN POPULAR, TOO. THE HUMAN EXISTANCE IS MANYFOLD. WE SHOULD BE WEARY TO USE NATURE TO EXPLAIN AND JUSTIFY OUR OWN RELATIONSHIP PREPERANCE. VERY RARELY HAS PEOPLE BEEN ABLE TO CHOOSE FREELY BETWEEN MONO, POLY AND ALL THE REST, THE ONLY WAY OF KNOWING WHAT REALLY WORKS IS TO CREATE REAL OPTIONS.