Issue in first Poly Relationship

P

PolyPaddy

New member
Hi Everyone.

I am involved in my first poly relationship (I identify completely as poly and feel very comfortable with the emotional side of it).

I am in a poly relationship for years but this is my first time having a second partner. I am having a problem with my new girlfriend which I outside perspective on.

My new girlfriend has been experiencing great stress because she feels she is stuck in the middle of a problem between myself and her other boyfriend.
Her other boyfriend has a need to communicate with me whereas I don't. I don't trust the guy based on a half dozen meetings with him. It's irrelevant why so I'll leave it out.
When I put up a boundary that I did not wish to communicate with her bf, it causes him great stress. My new girlfriend feels massive amounts of stress due to this. She feels the need to fix it as if he is unhappy, she is unhappy.
She cannot spend much time with me due to this because it furthers his stress which causes her more stress.

I would like to ask for perspective on this. I have no experience with a second partner, and my existing relationship is causing no issues for my new relationship. We support each other freely and happily.

Is this a massive co dependence symptom? or is it normal for most people to behave this way? I understand her empathising with his stress/fear but it feels too much, like his need is being carried in her and passed into our relationship?
I have agreed to meet the bf under strict conditions as it seems to appease the issue for now. However, I'm very concerned that I may be making the possible co dependency worst by enlarging it's numbers.

Thanks

PP
 
No it is not normal behavior.

I wouldn't meet him him. PERIOD. Why feed his insecurities and controlling behavior.

SHE needs to put the bf in his place. HE HAS NO RIGHT to place demands upon you.
 
If I were you...

I would gently remind your GF that befriending or having periodic meetings with her other BF isn't a requirement in poly, and you are under no obligation to do anything your metamour requests just because you're involved with her.

I would let her know that you acknowledge him as someone important to her, are willing to be polite if your path crosses his, and that should be enough. I would tell her her other BF is not the boss of you (or her, for that matter), and it is unfair and rather like a dictator for him to demand a meeting because of his insecurities or to meet some need of his to feel in control [I assume if he asked politely and respectfully to meet with you, that would be another story, and something you might consider?].

I would ask her to let him know that you prefer your relationships be kept separate, and if he feels threatened by that, or thinks that his way to do poly is the only way, it is not your problem.

I would probably back out of meeting with him if the prospect of doing so was giving me a bad taste in my mouth and making me resentful - but if you are still open to going, then I would let them know that this is the last time you will acquiesce to such demands.

If it turns out that she still won't see you unless you give in to what her other BF wants, I would tell her to grow up and I'd be outta there.
 
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I agree with Dagferi.

He is not your partner, and not your problem. You just have to decide what you want out of your relationship with her, and whether you're getting it. Likewise, she has to decide if she enjoys your company enough to cope with her stress over his stress.

Her being less available to you feels like manipulation. He's making demands on you, freaking out when you don't comply, and then she is freaking out on his behalf and (for whatever reason) spending less time with you? Why aren't they dealing with their own shit? Why do they need you to fix them? I certainly wouldn't meet with him in this context of "you get more of the girl if you cross your stated boundaries for us." That's just creepy.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say maybe they aren't ready for grown-up poly.
 
What kind of open model N are you guys practicing here? Everyone a "free agent" or "separate but equal" or "family style" model? Are you all clear on the model that you practice together? If not, maybe that's the problem. Different expectations of each other.

Is this agreed as a "free agent" or "separate but equal thing?" Then your problem to me does not sound like a prob with the BF metamour. Rather it is a prob with the GF who is spilling all her probs with him on to you and not keeping her stuff separate and not leaking on to you.

Have you and she discussed that boundary about info management? What is "my stuff" what is "your stuff" and what is "our stuff?" Does not sound like it to me.

You sound like you prefer not to know about it. Like if they are having a fight you might be up for rescheduling a date to help give her time to sort her stuff. But you don't have to listen to her stuff with him in big details or give input or anything. You could clarify your boundaries with her and tell her to please stop telling you about her probs with her other bf if that is your preference.

HTH!

Galagirl
 
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PolyPaddy said:
I have agreed to meet the bf under strict conditions as it seems to appease the issue for now. However, I'm very concerned that I may be making the possible co dependency worst by enlarging it's numbers.
Click to expand...

It sounds like you are answering your own question here.

In my opinion it comes down to how comfortable you are in meeting this guys demands vs how important your association with this woman is.

To me? There is no amount of cosmic connection which would entice me to associate with this Titanic-lunging-toward-iceberg relationship. He is clearly having emotional problems and she is clearly willing to coddle them instead of treat him like an adult... yah, no thanks. It really just sounds like another great "polyamory doesn't work because..." story.
 
Hi Everyone. OP here

I just wanted to thank everyone for their advice in this thread. It was really useful and gave me alot of food for thought when coming to make my decision. Appreciate the helpful views.

PP
 
Just an update.

The relationship ended. You were all correct.

Appeasing or no Appeasing the need made no difference, there were massive emotional dysfunction in the other relationship and it leaked into my new relationship. It was both our faults for not protecting our new relationship from the problems in her existing. However, as she had no friends, no people to support her, she was very isolated, it was very hard to not try to support her. The problems never stopped though, massively systemic in the other relationship.

I learnt alot about unhealthy love and healthy love, to enjoy a relationship with your heart, but to end it with your head. To listen to the escape pod instincts and to never compromise your boundaries if your belly is telling you something is dangerous.

Also, that my existing girlfriend is the most understanding and loving person in the world :)

Poly will work for me. It was like baptism by fire :)
 
Walking away having learned something is the best outcome. Pretty much always. I'm happy for you.
 
Though I am sorry to hear you had to deal with beak up stuff, I am glad that you seem better for the outcome.

Sounds like you learned some valuable stuff.

Galagirl
 
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