Issues with Trust

D

drabadi451

New member
I was in a poly relationship with a man for nearly 3 years. During that time I dated a girl who was married and we all became close. A lot of drama happened with all of us and others who were involved with us and me and that man are no longer together. I have been with a man in a monogamous relationship for nearly 2 years since the split from the poly relationship but feel that I have isolated from making new friends in general outside of people I meet through my boyfriend. I never want to hurt like I did after all of that mess. I want to open up more, but still have a lot of fear. I need a third party's perspective.
 
If I am understanding correctly, you are not talking about opening up your current relationship, but just trusting anyone in general?
 
bookbug said:
If I am understanding correctly, you are not talking about opening up your current relationship, but just trusting anyone in general?
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I wanted advice on how to trust again from people in the poly community who know what it's like to have an open relationship. If others who have gone through similar experiences could help me gain perspective. I hope I can be open to at least having some shared sexual experiences with others with my current partner in the future, but cannot at this point because of my past hurt.
 
A lot of time when we have been hurt, we make emotional generalizations. Those generalizations cause us to make rules like never having a poly relationship again in order to feel safe. It's overkill.

What may help is to analyze what went wrong. Of course many avoid analyzing painful experiences because it reminds us of the pain. So was it one person who was untrustworthy? If so, how could you identify someone with those traits early on? Or was it horrible miscommunication all around? Maybe improve communication skills. Was anyone emotionally immature? Again, could probably learn to spot the signs early on. Etc..

The generalized mistrust is like using sledgehammer when a tiny pair of tweezers would do.
 
I realized that my primary partner at the time was very selfish and did not view poly as a sex positive thing, but as a way to do what fitted him sexually even if it hurt me. My female partner seemed to openly at least admit she didn't want a commitment when I asked her for one as her only girlfriend. I wanted one boyfriend and one girlfriend as my ideal relationship and made it clear. In general things fell apart in a slow burn. I feel like my openness was taken advantage of. I made sure I told them what I wanted and needed.
 
Another part of communication is understanding what people are communicating back. Your gf has a right to not want the same thing that you do. She was honest and told you that. Wanting something different does not make her untrustworthy; she did not lie to you. At that point, you needed to honor her perfectly valid feelings and perhaps sought someone who shared your desire for commitment.

Selfish people on the other hand are rarely honest. I mean it's not like they are going to say, "hey I'm a selfish bastard." Most of the time, they do not recognize those traits within themselves. When you recognize that someone is being selfish, dishonest it is time for you to extricate yourself.

You have a right to want to live a certain way, but your partners are under no obligation to want the same thing. If they don't, then it is time to seek others who do.
 
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