It`s like I was just slapped in the face

K

Kihluna

New member
Hi, my name is Niki.

Until today I thought I was in 2 separate relationships. One with Tony, the father of my child. (Both he and my son have dwarfism.) I am also in a BDSM relationship with Josh, my submissive of 1.5 years.

Today I encountered a unique problem, that after reading a few posts here doesn`t seem so unique, but to me it was, because I have no idea what is going on right now. Tony's mom informed me that Christmas was a "family event," which was her way of saying the roommate (Josh) wasn`t invited. So in tears I called Tony, who is going to inform her that Josh is part of the family.

A few minutes later, I was talking to an old friend on Fetlife who hadn`t yet learned of my addition of Josh as my submissive. After a few minutes, he informed me that I was in a poly relationship, and pretty much told me that I wouldn`t be taken seriously in the community anymore. He told me to "RUN far away," and that "If a relationship needs 100% from both people, how can one person give 100% times 2?"

It`s like I was just shunned before I even found my place. I`m only 21. I realize that is very young, but I am not stupid. I am under a load of stress from this apparent three-way. I have not found my footing as a Mistress, and Josh is still learning his role as a submissive.

So I joined this site to try and figure things out, seeing as how everything I do on Fetlife is going to be shunned or deemed "wrong."

Let me clarify that Tony and I are romantically kinky and Josh and I are full BDSM. I love them both. My son calls them both Dada. Well, Tony is Dada, Josh is Daaaa.

I have never seen nor heard of a poly relationship working out, and everyone on Fetlife talks badly, so I am a bit ignorant in my fears. I apologize if I am coming off as a psycho.
 
Wow. What the heck? I'm on Fetlife and so is my girlfriend, her husband, and many of our poly friends.

Why people who are part of one community that deals with sex/love in an alternative way, that focuses above all on consent, would shun members of another community that deals with sex/love in an alternative way, that focuses above all on consent, is beyond me. Your friend in no way speaks for the entire kink community, and frankly was being a jerk.

Send him to www.morethantwo.com if he wants a good explanation of how someone can give two people 100%.
 
AnnabelMore said:
Wow. What the heck? I'm on Fetlife and so is my girlfriend, her husband, and many of our poly friends. Why people who are part of one community that deals with sex/love in an alternative way, but focuses above all on consent would shun members of another community that deals with sex/love in an alternative way, but focus above all on consent, is beyond me. Your friend in no way speaks for the entire kink community, and frankly was being a jerk.

Send him to www.morethantwo.com if he wants a good explanation of how someone can give two people 100%.
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Thank you for that little ray of hope. ♥️ I guess I`m looking for hope that I`m not clinging to something that is "doomed," as he said.
 
Kihluna said:
I guess I`m looking for hope that I`m not clinging to something that is "doomed" as he said.
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What qualifies this one person to tell you what your business is all about? Who is this person? God? Of all the other people in the world, why does this person know the answer? Do they have a time machine or a crystal ball where they can tell other people how to run their lives?

Only you have the right to make choices for yourself. Your friend has his own life. He needs to pay attention to that and you need to pay attention to yours. You don't have to listen to anything he says, or anything anyone else says, including me.
 
I realize that. One of my flaws is that I get upset easily by what people think of me.

Today has just been a very verrry rough day for me. I`m kinda glad I found this forum. I would like to learn more about poly and further define my relationships to myself so I can better explain them to others in the future.
 
Tell that person that whilst it may not work for them, it works for other people, and you weren't asking for their permission.

There are plenty of examples of poly working in the world, however you'd like to define "working." Arguments abound on that topic.

lovingmore.com also has some historical info.

Deborah Anapol has several books out. I suggest just going to the bookstore, finding any one of them and reading the back cover about her and her experience. She's got years of being poly under her belt, self-defined as successfully poly.
 
Wow. It sounds like you need to stay away from that person.

It sounds like your dynamic (no matter what name you give it) is working for the three of you.

While I don't spend much time on Fetlife, I have seen lots of poly folks on there. It is actually one of the few places poly is common! The BDSM community is quite large. If one small group is stressing you out, seek out another group. Block those that want to be nasty and negative.
 
Fetlife has a polyamory forum

Hi, I just wanted you to know that there are lots of us actively poly folks on Fetlife. There is even a group for it called Poly and Kinky. I hope to see you there soon.

Don't feel taken aback by the judgement of others. You are your own person, and the way you manage your relationships is your business. :)

*hugs*
 
Your friend's opinion about poly and kink, and poly and Fetlife, is not based on reality. Far from it.

Here's another group that hasn't been mentioned: PolyTalk – Conversations in Nonmonogamy

You can't live your life to please others; you can only please yourself.
 
I think it's awesome that you have what you have. I'm a little envious!
 
I just wanted to say that we are also poly and on FetLife. John and I have been poly for over 5 years now and have gone though a handful of SOs. Please dont think that this can't work. As long as everyone consents and things are good for you all, there is no reason that kink and poly cant live together.
 
Thank you, everyone. I needed to hear those things. His issue with poly, along with all that he sent me to, is that they "tried it and it didn't work out."

I haven`t met any other poly people in my area, because they don`t come to functions, or maybe I just don`t know what to look for.
 
Kihluna said:
His issue with poly is that they "tried it and it didnt work out"." I haven`t met any other Poly people in my area because they don`t come to functions. Or maybe I just don`t know what to look for.
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Okay, so every time a monogamous relationship breaks up, that proves monogamy "doesn't work"? Or should we all just give up on relationships in general, because people break up, so that must mean "nothing works"?

PUHLEASE.

Oh, and get this-- people have been around WAAAAAY longer than Fetlife. Just because someone goes on Fetlife and says something does not make it fucking so. That goes on on this forum too. I can't tell you how many times I've seen people write shit like, "I thought I was poly, but you guys are a bunch of nazi assholes, so poly is not for me." (That's from the other side.) That would be like you saying, "You people on Fetlife are narrow-minded control-freaks, therefore BDSM is not for me."

I'm just saying. HELLO? LOL
 
BoringGuy said:
Okay, so every time a monogamous relationship breaks up, that proves monogamy "doesn't work"? Or should we all just give up on relationships in general, because people break up, so that must mean "nothing works"?

PUHLEASE.

People have been around WAAAAAY longer than Fetlife. Just because someone goes on Fetlife and says something does not make it fucking so. That goes on on this forum too. I can't tell you how many times I've seen people write shit like, "I thought I was poly, but you guys are a bunch of nazi assholes, so poly is not for me." (That's from the other side.) That would be like you saying, "You people on Fetlife are narrow-minded control-freaks, therefore BDSM is not for me."

I'm just saying. HELLO? LOL
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I am not saying I base my life around Fetlife. In my area I know of only a few people. This guy was one of the only ones who invited us over (before Josh). We got to know him and his submissive, and it was a very nice learning experience. He is active in our community, so I would think that his opinion means a lot to the older generation of kinky people around here.

As I have the baby and both boys work, I don`t get out much, so I only know a total of 4 people in the lifestyle, 3 of which are active in TNG. But TNG meets mostly in Naples, and does awesome events that I just can`t ever find a babysitter for.

This guy was kinda like a mentor to me, and I was really hurt that he reacted that way. And up until now, Fetlife was kinda like my only portal into the lifestyle.

Another friend in Orlando won`t even talk to me because she thinks my situation is stupid.
 
Kihluna said:
This guy was kinda like a mentor to me, and I was really hurt that he reacted that way. Up until now, Fetlife was kinda like my only portal into the lifestyle. A friend in Orlando won`t even talk to me because she thinks my situation is stupid.
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I can certainly understand the feeling of betrayal of trust that you got from this person as your "mentor." But please don't consider this representative of the general population of Fetlife, or the general population of "alternative lifestyles," or whatever you want to call it. The sarcastic tone of my posts here in this thread is directed at this erstwhile mentor, not at you.

As to the friend in Orlando, it sounds like she's doing you a favor not talking to you. You don't need that crap. This is a great way to find out who your friends really are, is it not?
 
If you still want to use Fet, search for a poly group on there. I know there generally are local poly groups. I see there's a Florida poly group with 781 members,
 
I have looked into the poly groups on Fetlife. I`m still debating on joining one. They seem to be mainly just people looking for other people. This forum has a nice wide range of topics, instead of just looking for people to add to the group.

I would also like to learn more about poly, where it comes from, the purpose, why it is resented in society, etc. Any good books or articles on the subject?
 
Opening Up is a very good one to use as a starting point.
 
There is a member here, username is clairegoad, who lives on the west coast of in Florida. She has often posted about a very strong, active poly community in Tampa: http://www.polytampa.com/

She also mentioned that there is a poly-kink crossover group in Florida called "Bound to Love," which meets regularly, and they are on FetLife: https://fetlife.com/groups/13933

Hope this is helpful!
 
I just want to say I'm sorry for what you had to go through with your friend. It is not okay for someone to pass judgement on your relationship, especially when it is unwanted. It sounds like you have a very healthy poly relationship and are doing wonderfully for yourself. I understand it's hard to be confident when others keep telling your it will fail, but just hold your head up high and watch as they have nothing left to say, as your relationship stands the test of time, or you grow and become a better person through it.

I know when my fiance and I first started dating and were open as poly, many people said it could never work. They even assumed we weren't poly anymore a couple years later, because things were going so well. Upon finding out we'd been involved with someone else all that time, they had to face that it could work.

Also, I'm sorry you had this experience through Fetlife. I've always found it to be a open and welcoming community for poly folk. I would recommend checking out the groups Poly and Kinky, Polyamory, and Practical Polyamory. I'm sure as people have said you may find some great local groups, as well. I hope you have the best of luck!
 
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