I've gotten a second wind!

So, that Jordan kinda threw me for a loop. I texted him once the next day, just asked him why he seemed so down in the morning. No response. So it seems like that's that. Sigh... Normally I am pretty good at letting go of that shit. And I had the thought go through my head several times while I was with him that he was really fun for a night, but would probably be a messy person to actually be involved with. I think part of the problem was that he was *really* fun in some ways. Also, not sure if I've mentioned this in my blog before, but nothing pulls me in more than a tortured man. It makes me crazy! And he was pretty tortured. And I also got my period on Sunday, which could have really fueled the fire.

So then Sunday night I went dancing and met someone who I kinda clicked with. It's hard to explain. Wasn't like fireworks or anything. But a slow dawning on me that he was sweet and attractive and fun to dance with and was paying attention to me in a nice way. He was even my age, almost! Any other night I woulda been super into him. Gah! But I was just out of sorts Sunday night due to the Jordan thing and probably my period and I was having blood sugar issues (I have t1 diabetes). And so it was like I was trying to nudge myself to be sociable like you'd do if you brought your shy friend to a party and hoped shed open up and have a good time. But I just couldn't talk the talk. In fact, I was like practically unpleasant. Like when he said he had a cat, I said "eh, I'm a dog person." And everything I said was kinda that way. I gotta say, though, it was pretty sweet how he persevered. lol So he told me where he was gonna be tonight and then later when I was leaving he said "so I'll see you there Wednesday, right?" And I said yup! I have no idea what to expect. I don't know if it was the kind of thing that he didn't give another thought to or if he's actually hoping I'll show up. But it's wednesday and I'm looking forward to seeing. But a little nervous, too. I'll feel foolish and disappointed if it's nothing. And I hope he's not disappointed to find that I'm actually a friendly, warm, outgoing person.

And my tantra teacher is back in town! Yay! I think we're gonna go to a sex club a couple hours away from here on Saturday night, if I can manage to find sleepovers for both of my boys. I gotta make it happen! I've never really done anything like it before. We tried once a couple of months ago, went to a place in SD, but it was really quiet. When we went there, I was convinced that I didn't want to touch or be touched by anyone but him and I wasn't and didn't, which was fine. We had a great night but the real fun was after we got home. But I think I'm ready to play a bit. 🙈 I have made up for quite a bit of lost time since the breakup, but I think just lately I've reached a new level of comfort with being sexual with people I barely know. lol I feel very much like I'm getting something out of my system and eventually I'll want a calmer more comfortable sex life. But for right now I'm kind of grooving on the craziness!

I don't know what to do about my Friday night. I would really like to see Main Squeeze. I think a great weekend would be cuddly, sweet, hot MS on Friday night, a mind blowing, envelope pushing, wild sex romp with TT on Saturday and then new dancing guy on Sunday night.

Ugh, that reminds me, though. TT is also a dancer and will quite likely be there on Sunday night. I don't think (depending on what happens tonight, I suppose) I'm ready to have new dancing guy see me kissing him or, more likely, him grabbing my butt. But I also hate the idea of telling TT not to do those things. Ugh. And God knows, Daniel, who I mentioned in my first or second post, has been there every Sunday lately and every time he walks by me he touches me or kisses me even though we're not involved. Hmmmmm. Cripes! I have this fantasy that new dancing guy is a relationship anarchist. lol The only tiny bit of tangential and extremely weak evidence that I have is that he said he is definitely not going to have children (we actually covered a lot of the preliminaries in our short time together, and when he said that, bc I was in such a strange mood where anything I thought seemed to be flying out of my mouth, I came very close to saying "oh, so you've had a vasectomy, then?", but I caught myself just in time). If he was a RA, that sure would solve some problems. 😄
 
Sooo, he did not show up! 😢 I was so bummed! I ended up having a good night, though. I danced with someone I'd never seen before who was really fun to dance with. That used to happen a lot more, but I've been dancing so much that I know all the regulars. It's always exciting to add someone to my list of reliable partners.

I also met someone who's insanely fun to dance with and who I really like, but who's going back to the UK on Sunday. We ended up dancing together like six times, partly because it was kind of a lame night (kinda slow, not many people), but it was *so* fun. I didn't really have a romantic kinda vibe with him, but he just had this vibrant fun energy thing going on that was awesome. I'm gonna see him again on Friday.

And that answers the question about Friday, I guess. So no Seneca. I wish there were more days in the week.

Today I gotta work on coming up with something to wear to that club Saturday night. I'm really kind of a tomboy and am not thrilled with the idea of getting all slutted up. I think, though, I'll have other occasions to wear whatever I come up with. It'll be like having an interview suit and I won't have to stress the next time I need something sexy. Thing is though, I really wish there was something that I liked that would work for a night out that people generally agreed was sexy. I am just totally not into frosted hair and make up and high heels.
 
Well, consider the chance to dress up in makeup and high heels a new way of "breaking out" and showing a new side of yourself! You're exploring, having fun, and stepping outside of your comfort zone with your dress. That will only help you meet new guys!
 
I just wanted to drop in and say that I really enjoy reading about your rendezvous, I will be keeping up. I really admire your spirit and outlook behind each of these developments!

Also, rubidoux, there's something about your persona as well as your avatar on top of that, which reminds me of my favorite aunt. It's a really nice familiarity. :)

Have a lovely weekend!
 
Thanks for stopping by, you guys! 😊

So Tantra Teacher and I went to the sex club and it was fun but we didn't play with anyone else. We had quite a lot of fun together, though! 😍 It was really a lot of fun. And then we also had a great time wednesday out dancing and I stayed at his hotel and was able to sleep in after he went to work which was a treat, too.

Thursday I had a date with my Pornographer. We met at the beach here and then went back to his place, which is an hour and a half away. We got there around seven and I swear it felt like we had sex for about 24 hours straight. There was a little dozing off here and there but... wow! I'm pretty crazy over him and things are so intense with him. And every time I'm with him I feel really shocked at how over the top it feels and then the next time is even more over the top. I almost feel like it's a good thing that I only see him a couple times a month because I need to process it in between. Sadly, though, I'm not gonna get to see him again till sometime in August. I felt really sad leaving him today, but I have so much going on right now that I have a feeling the time will pass quickly. I also feel like I need to keep him kind of compartmentalized. I think maybe because he is so intense and we are intense together that it feels safer to me to keep him circumscribed in terms of time and space, like I can't keep a safe emotional distance because we seem to just collapse into each other when we're together so I can only be around him relatively infrequently.

My big news this week is not even about any of my men, believe it or not! I found an apartment! Ex and I broke up sometime last summer and were totally split by September and have been living together all this time mostly because of money and the because I kept getting rejected because I have no credit and no income (I've been a stay at home mom for the last 12 years). My ex, who Ive not been getting along with at all, finally agreed to co-sign because our mediator told him he was being a fuckhead (not her words) for refusing. Soooo... we are very much ready to not be living together and I am soooo happy to be getting out. My new place is really cute. I think it'll actually be much more comfortable for me than our house was. And I'm really having fun picking out furniture and stuff. It's very liberating to be able to leave ex with all the crappy old broken down stuff and only take what I want. 😊

Ooooh, one more thing... When I started this blog I said I was dating four men, but so far I've only really talked about three. I thought maybe the fourth had thought better of getting involved, but he's back in play, I think. We'll see. I really do like him and I'd like to see what develops but we're both really busy. He's kinda hot though! I'll work him in somehow.
 
Holy fuck. I cannot get Pornographer out of my mind. I told him that I've been having rape fantasies about him (though I describe it that way only because of a lacking vocabulary, if it were anything like rape of course I wouldn't want it, by definition, it's more like I want him to "take" me if that makes sense). And he was very obliging. And now I can't get him out of my mind. Gahhhh! And I only want that with him. I have no interest in something like that with any of the other men I'm involved with or have been involved with. He's got this great mix of aggressive manliness and sweet nurturer. So he can be very rough and forceful but somehow knows immediately without me saying anything when it's become too much. There have been times that I think "ack that hurts" but I can't bring myself to say stop because it also feels so good, but he always backs off without me having to ask, or even deciding to ask. I'm happy he does because at those moments it's really hard for me to make that decision.

Well, crap, I can't believe he's gonna be gone for two months. 😟

So, Jordan, the 27 year old I went out with a week or two ago, is texting me again. Really not sure how I feel about it at all. I wish we could have that same exact date a couple more times. It was so fun. But I'm not sure I really want a moody fuck buddy.

And speaking of moody. I think Main Squeeze is pretty depressed. I'm not sure if it's an intrinsic thing or because of his circumstances. He seems to be feeling pretty trapped in a difficult work situation. I want to be loving and supportive and nurturing about it, but I'm not sure I have it in me. My ex had a breakdown about four months after our first kiss and I spent the next 13 years or so holding his hand through it. It was the foundation of our relationship and I think it was why we were together for so long. When he left me it was pretty clear that he could only do that because I had held him up through so much and made it possible for him to leave. So the idea of dealing with a partner's depression feels tough to me.

It has hit me these last few days that I haven't really had any single experience yet. We've been broken up for the last nine months, but I haven't spent any time alone at all. Either I'm home and I've got my kids in my bed every single night or I'm out with someone. I also have not spent almost any time away from my kids. This past wed-thurs-fri I didn't see them for 72 hours which was the first time I've gone that long. But I was out and busy. It will be much harder, I think, when I'm all alone in my new place. I'm gonna have to go five days at a time without them twice a month. 😁 Ugh.
 
Super cherish those alone times when you get to that point. Alone time in your own personal environment makes all the difference.
 
Bunnielight said:
Super cherish those alone times when you get to that point. Alone time in your own personal environment makes all the difference.
Click to expand...

Thanks! I sure hope I feel that way when I get there!

I'm kinda in the middle of a really exciting moment for me, so I thought I'd check in. 😊 I just drove to LA by myself for the first time and it feels so different and exciting and full of possibilities. I'm here for two dates w people I haven't met before. So there may be room for some weirdness. lol But I have always found those to be fun surprises, so far. So tonight is LA Salsa Guy (who gets a nickname right off the bat bc I'm hoping he sticks, and not just bc he lives in the most awesome neighborhood ever that I would like to visit often!), and actually tomorrow night w him too (let's hope he's fun!) and then wednesday I'm meeting a woman friend of the Pornographer's who he kinda set me up with. I'm totally not sure where that will go but she seems pretty neat. 😊

Only other news to report really is that I had a successful ONS with a rediculously hot 24 year old this week. I've been practicing, sort of, and I think w this guy it was kinda perfect. I really enjoyed being w him w/o having any expectations whatsoever. I'm totally happy w being one and done. It was nice but I have no need to repeat it.

I'm meeting this guy in five minutes, so I'm out! 😄
 
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