Jealousy and insecurity?

C

CanoninD

New member
New to this so excuse me if this is the wrong place.
I've been in a poly relationship for 2 years and previously mono for 2 and a half years.

I have a beautiful girlfriend who is perfect to me in many ways. So beautiful I wanted to share her. We started off slow, only flirting with other individuals and admiring the admiration towards us. By the end of the year things had been going pretty smooth. So one day I stay at a friend's house with her permission(I was homeless), she comes on to me and I share myself with her. At this point we're a year in so I tell her she can have sex with anpartner of her choosing. She agrees she wants to have sex with my friend that I always encouraged her to flirt with because I wanted her to have her first sexual experience with another close and trustworthy person.

Her only catch was don't ask don't tell. A year passes by and I'm so caught up in my life problems and creating relationships that I forget about our own love so I wanna make it up to her by giving her a sexual experience she wouldn't forget. We had a foursome with two close friends of mine and so after I began to get curious and went ahead and asked about her past experiences. She tells me alot of minor things about a small list of guys, then she mentions how a couple of weeks after I had sex with my friend who sheltered me, she slept with my designated friend in his car.

See, at first I was only slightly surprised and extremely aroused, but then I started overthinking it and making up all these situations in my head and it turned into a massive wave of insecurity and jealousy. Don't get me wrong, if he ever asked to do it again I wouldn't hesitate to say yes.. Again.. But why would it bother me that she did it when she did everything right. It's insanely confusing and it's been driving me crazy for weeks. I want to keep this poly relationship going and be excited about things like this.

I'm sure this is common but I would like to get a lot of opinions because it seems very unfair to her.
 
CanoninD said:
I have a beautiful girlfriend who is perfect to me in many ways. So beautiful I wanted to share her . . . Don't get me wrong, if he ever asked to do it again I wouldn't hesitate to say yes.
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What do you mean by this? Another guy needs your permission to fuck her? I would think that is up to her.
 
nycindie said:
What do you mean by this? Another guy needs your permission to fuck her? I would think that is up to her.
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She can fuck whoever she wants, what I meant was if he ever asked me rather than her, I'd approve, but of course in the end that's all up to her.
 
So, you made up situations in your head about what happened then tormented yourself with them until it brought on strong insecurities and jealousy. I think only you can answer the question as to why this is happening. The kind of things you have been imagining are key to that. They're expressing your fears in story form. That's all, really. It doesn't matter that she did everything right and it was all open and ethical.
 
I wonder what the purpose/function of your don't ask, don't tell policy is. I suspect that it may have contributed to your recent discomfort. Instead of more baby steps, you get a WHOOSH of finding out that she shared sex with someone else. Not surprising that you felt flooded by your emotions.

Emotions are just emotions - we feel however we feel. They can be uncomfortable at times, but they are all time-limited. It sounds like your thoughts are contributing to the WHOOSH as well. Get at the core of your beliefs. "I'm jealous because of XYZ, and that is bad because of ABC, which is bad because of DEF..." And keep going. Go with gut thoughts, not rational thoughts, as you're going deeper and deeper. Once you know what the fears are, you can better easily dispel it.

Remember, the more you wrestle with your emotions and try to push them away, the stronger they tend to become. If you push against a wall, does it not push back at an equal force back? What happens if you stop pushing the wall? Embrace how you feel and let yourself feel the WHOOSH of emotions right now. But start to challenge those thoughts that come up related to your fears, and the jealousy should lessen over time. :eek:
 
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