Just a few questions, guidance needed

[Dearie88]

This is my first time doing something like this. I have to be honest, I never knew of relationships like this. I thought there were cheaters and swingers, and then of course, monogamy, which I thought was normal and what almost everyone did.

But anyway, my boyfriend opened my eyes up to this. Yes, at first I had my doubts. I thought something was wrong with me and that's why he wanted to have a sort of open relationship. But he explained it to me, and I did my own reading and searching of it. It makes more sense now.

But my boyfriend keeps bringing up that he has his doubts in me, and that's really starting to get to me.

He wants to be able to have sex with people alone. I told him I didn't want that, that I was uncomfortable with it, at least for right now. Who knows about the future? So we came up with doing threesomes, which I didn't think I would like, but they are fun. But because this is my first time, I was hoping to ease into it and do them only once in awhile, until I was more comfortable with it.

He recently told me that he would like to do them a couple times a month. I told him that, for now, I couldn't do that. I thought that he understood, this being the first time I've done something like this, that taking things slow wouldn't be a problem, but it seems like he keeps bringing it up, and I don't know what to think or do.

We've been together 4.5 years. We had our first threesome a few months ago, and it made us closer then ever, so I know our love is tight and the trust factor is completely there.

I guess what I need help with is this:

How often is it okay, or how slow is too slow?

I don't know how to even "find" another girl. We both have agreed to not do anything with strangers.

We are both concerned about STDs, so he will always wear a condom when we are doing threesomes.

I don't know. I'm new at this, and just in need of some good advice. His doubts are really getting to me.

 

[km34]

I guess I am confused. Where is polyamory playing a part in any of this? It sounds like your boyfriend is really only interested in sex with other people, not forming relationships. That would be swinging, IMO. Did I miss part of the story, or did you leave something out?

As for him having doubts in you, is it a trust issue, or does he think you just aren't going to handle living an alternative lifestyle well? If it is a trust issue, you two really should spend more time talking about it and figuring out WHY he is having the problems. If it is because he is worried you really aren't into it, you also need to talk to him and explain to him exactly why you ARE interested.

How frequently you engage is sex with others is really between the two of you. There's no hard and fast rule stating "This is too much" or "This is not often enough." It is just whatever makes everyone involved happy.

As for meeting new people, there are a multitude of dating websites where you can say you are interested in hooking up. OKCupid is known to be couples-friendly. There are swingers sites like swinglifestyle. There's Craigslist (but that one scares me). Etc.

On to STDs... There's really no guarantee. Unless you use a condom/latex glove for every single bit of contact, you aren't even close to being 100% protected. Being 100% protected is impossible, since there are viruses such as HPV which can be contracted so very easily. (Over 50% of sexually active people have HPV at some point.) It is basically a measured risk. Is the enjoyment and pleasure you two get out of having these threesomes worth the remote possibility of catching something? Obviously, I chose "yes" years ago, and through being as careful as possible without diminishing the pleasure too much, I've had no issues. Well, disease issues, anyway. Drama issues are another story here recently!

Once again, I'm not really sure what his doubts are, so I can't really offer any specific advice on that. I'd just talk to him and tell him that his worries are starting to make you nervous/worried, so that maybe he will relax a bit.

 

[redpepper]

What you are looking for is a "unicorn," then? There has been a lot written here about that. If you do a search for "unicorns," you will find a lot of info.

I will warn you, though. Unicorn-hunting is not the best situation for the long haul. Sex in threesomes, a couple with an additional woman (or man) is fun, but it doesn't a great "relationship" make, most of the time. Sharing a partner works best if developed over time, rather than seeking it out. Its the most common form of what couples are looking for, because they seem to be unable to think outside of "coupledom" box. You'll need to eventually think about finding your own partners if you want extracurricular coupledom success in poly.

What you have been up to so far would be considered swinging, in my opinion. Perhaps a forum on swinging would help? Poly is about the love more than the sex. Although sex abounds just the same.

As to time? It can take years. I have known that I am non-monogamous for many years and been active for 15. It started for me the same way you are starting. Now I have come through much exploration and found myself in a V with two men I live with, and an additional two other partners.

I don't at all subscribe to a relationship view that I am with one other person. I never did. Even if there have been times where it was just me and my husband, I always saw myself as independent and autonomous. We walk together in life, but I also walk together in life with others. It's not "us," it's "me." It's an adjustment to think and act that way, but once that is achieved, I would guess that your feelings of being "unready" will change.