Just exploring this...

A

Anuracils

New member
I'm not sure how much to include but it would probably be helpful if I gave a good idea of where I'm coming from.

I've never been in open relationships or even had friends with benefits. I had a lot of traumatizing experiences with men when I was younger when I first started dating. It never seemed to get better and I just ended up shutting myself off from really looking for a relationship for a long time. I'm 28 now and the last time I had sex was six years ago with someone who turned out to be really mentally unstable. So fastforward to now I'm all messed up with trust issues and insecurities that I am hoping to get better with. I haven't overcome those things yet but I ended up meeting this wonderful man on a dating website who is poly. I didn't feel a connection to him right away because at the time I didn't ever think I would even entertain the idea of dating someone who was poly. I actually didn't even know what it was exactly. I just saw it as someone who slept with a bunch of people at once. About 5 months after exchanging texts back and forth we started getting more flirtations and I began to feel really close to him.

So, I met him for the first time a couple of weeks ago. I had an amazing time he was only able to stay for a few hours. I am now starting to struggle with some bad feelings because I still have no clue exactly how this is going to work for me. The connection I feel to him is so strong that I feel like I might be able to do this so I can be with him. I know there are no gaurantees and that does scare me. I can't really see myself being poly yet and I'm not sure if that will get in the way of me dating someone who is poly. He's married and his wife is also poly. They also have children so I know he won't be able to give me a whole lot of time. He's really good and staying in touch with me daily via text and that makes me feel really good. I feel pretty lost with all of this sometimes. All I know is that he makes me feel amazing and I don't want that to stop. I know that not all poly people do things the same way and I'm still trying to figure out how they do it. He's told me I could meet his partner whenever I want. I really do want to meet her but I'm really nervous since this is so completely foreign to me.

The few friends I've told have been pretty supportive about this. They've told me I should explore and have fun. One particular friend keeps telling me to run away from this as fast as I can. I don't feel that great everytime I finish talking to him. He believes it's all about sex and I won't get anything else out of it. It's been difficult for me to explain to him that it's about more than that because of the strong connection I feel with my poly friend. I guess he just doesn't want to see me get hurt. I worry he might be right everytime I speak to him.

I am excited about all this. I'm just a bit worried of getting tossed to the side. I guess those are just my own issues. I don't want to miss the opurtunity to have something with him. I'm also wondering how it is that he's interested in having something with me when I'm clearly not in the best place in my dating life. Still trying to figure things out.

So, I'm going to be hanging around reading about others experiences as much as I can. I'm hoping coming here will give me a bit more perspective on these kinds of relationships and that might help me through this possible transition.

Sorry if anyone had to read that whole long thing. I just wasn't sure how much to say so I said a lot.
 
Welcome Anuracils. I am new to poly too. This is a good friendly place to get information. Use the search function, read some blogs, ask questions and lurk around. It takes awhile to get a handle on the variety of ways people handle their relationships, just as one might expect.

Leetah
 
Greetings Anuracils,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Yeah I was thinking about the Life stories and blogs board for you, but besides that just really explore the site in general. As far as poly/mono dyads are concerned, don't worry, it is a thing and does exist. Stuff for the monogamous partner can be found in Franklin Veaux's Poly/Mono Pages.

Sounds to me like the guy you're with is a keeper. That's good to hear. I hope Polyamory.com will prove to be a helpful source of feedback and information for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
If you enjoy his company and it's all going well, and he treats you well, go with it! That said, there are definitely a few things to think about:

1. It sounds like you have some self-esteem, trust, and insecurity issues that you need to work on, whether or not you pursue this relationship. Work on them, if you can, with a therapist, and do it for you, not for this man or anyone else. Yes, those issues will likely rear their head in this relationship and have the potential to make things rocky; but, the benefits of being a secure, confident person go far beyond just that.

2. Ask questions. To do this, you'll need to decide what is important to you. For me, for example, I want to know if my metamour has veto power (this is a deal-breaker for me, but not for everyone), if my partner is allowed to develop attachments organically and without limits, if my partner and I can be open and honest about our relationship to our social and family circles if we get to that level of dating, and if there are any other "rules" I would need to know about that would impact my life and/or the relationship with my partner. And, also I always talk about safer sex practices. You may have other things that are important to you (vacations, kids, etc.) that aren't on my list, and some of what is important to me may not matter to you. But, as with any relationship, it's good to talk about things *before* they become an issue.

If you have had a conversation like this yet, I'd encourage you to do so sooner, rather than later. It doesn't have to be a "we need to talk!" kind of thing. Generally, for me, it comes up in natural conversation, with the exception of veto power (I've found that married couples often hide this particular "rule" from their other partners, which usually ends badly for the other partners, so this I ask outright, at the beginning, now).

Good luck with the relationship, it sounds like he could be a really great guy!
 
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