Just married and coming to terms with poly partner

[faeven]

Hi there,
I am a monogamous (probably?) person with a recently-out poly partner. I've been avoiding posting in any forums, thinking that maybe I could get by talking to a therapist, some friends and my partner about this, but I think it's time that I get some other perspectives on my situation. I hope some of you guys have some nuggets of relationship wisdom you can share with me.

I have been with my partner for over nine years, and we have always been monogamous. Over the past year, my partner got very close to someone. In November, my partner handed me a letter, coming out as polyamorous and in love with that someone. It was a month before our wedding was scheduled, and she had only just come to this realisation and felt that she couldn't marry me without telling me.

One week after coming out, she left for the month before the wedding to take an internship she had out of the country. She came back, we got married, and now I have joined her for two months. After that, we will be apart again for another three months while she finishes her second internship and I return home to my job.

I have been vacillating between devastation and acceptance for the past two months, and the constant change in living arrangements makes me feel like I can never start adjusting and coming to terms with her feelings since I'm also working through the feelings of being alone for the first time in ages, not having my job to keep me busy during the day and adjusting to a new environment.

To further complicate things, that someone is coming to stay with her for two weeks the day after I leave to go back home. This someone knows about my partner's feelings and has made it clear that she does not want to insert herself into our relationship (while remaining vague on her feelings), but I am still jealous and afraid.

I feel horrible because I know she loves me very much, but I still find myself thinking that maybe I've done something wrong, or that I'm not good enough or interesting enough. I can't cry to her anymore about it because it hurts her and it isn't helping us make progress in our relationship.

How do I get over these feelings of betrayal? How do I build my self esteem in such a way that I can overcome my jealousy? What are fair things to request of my partner? How can I talk about my feelings with her in a way that won't hurt her?

Sorry for the rambling and the barrage of questions. I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed.

 

[KC43]

It sounds as if you might have been better off if you and your partner had put the wedding on hold until all the traveling and internships and such were over. You're right; having her away so much is preventing the two of you from having time to adjust to the marriage and to the changes in your relationship. I would say that even if you were in a monogamous marriage. No matter how long you date before you're married--and sometimes even if you live together prior to the wedding--there is a certain amount of change in the relationship once it's all legal and the rings are on, and the couple needs time to adjust to that individually AND together.

You aren't getting the "together" time, and that makes the marriage adjustment difficult enough without even taking the poly thing into account. You need even more time with your partner to adjust to the change in mindset that goes with learning your *monogamous* partner of nine years has now decided to live as polyamorous.

Did you agree to your partner having a relationship with this other person? If you are struggling so much to accept your partner being polyamorous, why did you go through with the wedding? These questions are not intended as judgmental, just curious.

As for your feelings that you "aren't enough"... that isn't what polyamory is about. That would be like, for example, a woman being interested in a gay man and feeling like she "isn't enough" because he won't be straight for her. For many people who consider themselves polyamorous, it's a romantic *orientation*, and therefore hard-wired, just as being gay or straight is a hard-wired sexual orientation. You can choose to *act* contrary to your wiring, but that doesn't mean you aren't wired that way. And choosing *not* to act contrary to the wiring doesn't have anything to do with whether another person in your life is or isn't "enough."

You have the right to express your feelings to your partner. She has hurt you; it isn't up to you to lie or hide how you feel so you don't hurt her. I don't mean that she "deserves" to be hurt because she hurt you, only that she didn't hold back out of concern for your feelings; she chose to be honest. You owe her and yourself the same level of honesty.

In my opinion, you *have* been betrayed, because she chose not to fill you in on her being polyamorous until immediately before the wedding. Then again, giving benefit of the doubt, maybe she herself wasn't aware that she was polyamorous, or couldn't accept it, until she met this other person. But still, she doesn't seem to have taken your wants, needs, or feelings into account; she simply told you she's poly and in love with someone else and that's the way it is. You weren't given a voice or choice.

The most important request I would suggest making to your partner is that from now on, she DISCUSSES things with you rather than telling you that her way is the way it's going to be.