Just need to Talk

[TriForThree]

Hello, this is my first time posting. First a little bit of background. I am a 38 year old bisexual female my husband is 39 and straight, and we have been together for 24 years. We have been part of the swingers life style for many years so the life style is not new to me. But the poly life is very new to me but not my husband. He was brought up in the life two mothers and a father and has always shared well with other men and women. We have recently entered in to a poly relationship with a long time friend of our, as a matter of fact we used to swing with her and her husband but she and my husband have never been together (her husband would allow it) but her and I have been together before. In the swingers life style you make friends with benefits so to speak, yes you develop feelings for one another but it's friendship love not love, love and I could share well knowing that. We are still very close to a couple we swung with and they are like family.
Now the rules have changed. I have always known he has wanted this life style and I have always been very supportive. He has never cheated on me that I know of and we have been through a lot in the last 24 years and he has proven time and time again how much he loves me. I have agreed to trying this out. I care very much for the woman he chose and could see myself falling in love with her eventually, but I do not know if I can share his love. He dated a few other people before me, but it has pretty much been me since we were like 14. I want this life but I am finding myself doing things I don't want to do, like get upset when they kiss when I'm not in the room. We all have agreed that they will not be "together" without me until I am comfortable. My husband and I recently got into a argument over that very thing. Even though when I left them alone together I knew something was going to happen and I was even ok with that, so I thought. I have read that when entering this life you should make your partner follow rules that things should go naturally, but I have to have rule (structure) or I won't be able to do this and enjoy it. I realize that I cannot have complete control and that is hard. How do I learn to start letting go so to speak. I know he loves me and he says it's my lack of self confidence that makes me feel insecure and I agree. I just want to know is it time and patience that is going to help or should I just give up now? I really don't want that last one. I am getting what I want and he is getting what he feels is a necessity. See he feels that he has to have this life (not that something is missing) to share all the love that he feels. I am confused by my feelings. I want him to be with her but then when it happens I get upset, is this normal? Some advice would be great but I will take some input as well. A fresh take on this if you will.

 

[SNeacail]

You might want to move this post (or have a moderator move it) to the "Poly Relationship Corner". You might get more responses.

The only being intimate when all three of you are present is just creepy to me, but I don't have a swinging background. Rules and boundaries must be mutually agreed upon and frequently re-visited to see if they are actually working and if they are even necessary.

 

[TriForThree]

moving thread

Thank you, how do I get this thread moved?

 

[SNeacail]

Sent you a private message

 

[reflections]

Welcome! I agree with the suggestion to move this post to the Poly Relationships Corner. You can message one of the moderators (list of moderators: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showgroups.php) to request that it is moved.

Polyshipping is quite different from the swinging lifestyle, so I can understand why this is hard for you.

We have recently entered in to a poly relationship with a long time friend

Are you and your husband both dating her? Or is your husband dating her, and you and she are not romantically involved?

I care very much for the woman he chose and could see myself falling in love with her eventually, but I do not know if I can share his love.

But he is the one sharing his love, not you, right? It sounds like you're: 1) worried about the jealousy you've been experiencing and 2) not sure what the relationship with her is. A lot of couples start off polyshipping by bringing in a bi woman - while this works for some, triads can be immensely difficult to navigate. It's hard to find another person who fits both your and your husband's needs for a partner AND who wants to date both of you! It sounds like you could imagine yourself falling in love with her - but do you want to date her? Just because your husband is dating her doesn't mean you have to as well, or even that you and she would be compatible.

I want this life but I am finding myself doing things I don't want to do, like get upset when they kiss when I'm not in the room.

Emotions are inevitable. You feel how you feel. You decide how to ACT following emotions, but feelings are what they are, just feelings. Anyone who says that people in poly relationships don't feel jealousy don't know about polyshipping. Now there may be people who are less jealous and can focus on their partner's enjoyment, but in my opinion, it's rare and usually happens after a long time of polyshipping.

We all have agreed that they will not be "together" without me until I am comfortable. My husband and I recently got into a argument over that very thing. Even though when I left them alone together I knew something was going to happen and I was even ok with that, so I thought. I have read that when entering this life you should make your partner follow rules that things should go naturally, but I have to have rule (structure) or I won't be able to do this and enjoy it. I realize that I cannot have complete control and that is hard.

Yes, yes it is. I think the hardest part of me adjusting to my husband dating outside of our relationship was giving up my perceived control. We had several arguments when I thought I had set a boundary/limit (I didn't clearly) and he had bypassed it. What it came down to was that I was trying to control their relationship, that somehow that made me feel more secure in his and my relationship. Many of the boundaries weren't working. I had to let go of them. I'll add that sometimes you think you'll be "ok" with something (not experience intense jealousy), but you don't know until it happens. It still happens for me. So I've figured out what am I willing to stretch on (have a manageable amount of jealousy, but I can deal with it on my own) and what feels unbearable to me as I'm still adjusting to my husband dating. And when it's unbearable, I talk with my husband. A lot. I've found that when the jealousy is unbearable, then I'm missing something in my relationship with my husband - and we can work on that without restricting his relationship with his girlfriend. I have worked hard to learn to identify what are my needs and how is my relationship with my husband meeting them or not.

How do I learn to start letting go so to speak.

For me, time and stretching. I needed time for my husband to continuously show me that his love for me has not changed now that he is in love with someone else too. I needed time to adjust to the changes in his schedule. I needed time to grieve the loss of our mono relationship, while recognizing that I want him to be happy and I do believe in polyshipping. I needed to see where I could stretch, where I was willing to deal with my jealousy, and notice that it felt less unwieldy over time.

I am confused by my feelings. I want him to be with her but then when it happens I get upset, is this normal?

1000 times yes. Polyshipping is not for everyone. But if your ideal self wants this to work, then go with that. Act like your ideal self. Feel how you feel, but make decisions based on your ideal self. Setting the boundary of "everything has to happen when I'm here" may give you a sense of security, but it's a false sense. Polyshipping is about facing those fears head on, in a way that can feel like you don't when you're in a mono relationship. But the fears are there in every relationships, the "what ifs." For me, I needed to let go and dive in head first. You may decide down the line that you also want other partners (whether it's dating her or someone else). You may not. Lots of people on here are mono and have partners who are poly.

In the meantime, read, read, read. Read up on polyshipping through books (Opening Up or More than Two). Read on this forum. Read this article that I can't recommend enough: http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell . Ask your husband read. Read together.

Opening up relationships can be very difficult, but incredibly rewarding in the long run. I hope this helps a bit and that you can keep us updated about how you're doing!

 

[TriForThree]

Thank you

Reflections
I cannot thank you enough for your wise words and advice. To answer your question "Are you and your husband both dating her? Or is your husband dating her, and you and she are not romantically involved?" Yes we have agreed to both date her together, although he is very encouraging of us going on dates alone without him just to build our relationship (her and I). Yes we all have been intimate with one another (once) we all hold each other hands in movies. I have dated other women before just not one that is interested in us both.

[I want to make something clear when I said they were alone together they both told me that all they did was make out so no promises were broken. ]

As far as sharing love goes I know I am not in love with her yet and he says he is not either but I am willing for that to be an option. It's kind of complicated cause when we were all swinging yes her and I were intimate but never did I think she was interested in me per say without her husband.

It makes me feel better that I am no the only one with the control issue, but it really does feel like I need to control their relationship to feel more secure in his and mine's relationship. It's like if I know everything that is going on I will get a heads up on any turn the relationship takes, if any.

I am learning to talk first react second but that is really hard right now. I guess I have to learn to identify my needs.
I will take any kind of help I can get. It is still early in this polyship and I don't want to mess it up if I can help it. Knowing I am not alone helps tremendously thank you. He has done his research and knows exactly what he wants I am just learning the life so research is good. He says I deserve all the love I can get so he doesn't want it for just himself but both of us and I believe him. Now it's time for me to be open to the same possibility.

 

[reflections]

Reflections
I cannot thank you enough for your wise words and advice.

Glad it was helpful!

To answer your question "Are you and your husband both dating her? Or is your husband dating her, and you and she are not romantically involved?" Yes we have agreed to both date her together, although he is very encouraging of us going on dates alone without him just to build our relationship (her and I). Yes we all have been intimate with one another (once) we all hold each other hands in movies. I have dated other women before just not one that is interested in us both.

And I'm guessing that she's interested in dating both of you? I guess I'm still wondering if you WANT to date her or if you are simply dating her because your husband is dating her...? Or are you interested in dating other people outside of her? What boundaries have you three set about dating outside of the triad? You may want to check out these resources: http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/. There's a great checklist on there that might help you figure out what boundaries the three of you want in your triad.

[I want to make something clear when I said they were alone together they both told me that all they did was make out so no promises were broken. ]

Glad to hear that. So there's no "rule" about them making out by themselves. What if things escalate?

As far as sharing love goes I know I am not in love with her yet and he says he is not either but I am willing for that to be an option. It's kind of complicated cause when we were all swinging yes her and I were intimate but never did I think she was interested in me per say without her husband.

Have you thought about what might happen if only one of you falls in love with her? Or if she falls in love with only one of you? What might you do in that situation? Would your husband be okay with you dating her, but not him? Would you be okay with your husband dating her, but not you? We can't control who falls in love with whom or the speed on this happening. It's good to hear that you're okay with your husband falling in love with her, but I think this is what can complicate triads. Not saying that it can't be done, just letting you know that it'll take a bit more elbow grease in terms of communication!

It makes me feel better that I am no the only one with the control issue, but it really does feel like I need to control their relationship to feel more secure in his and mine's relationship. It's like if I know everything that is going on I will get a heads up on any turn the relationship takes, if any.

Oh, you are definitely not the only one with that issue! It sounds like to me (and if I'm wrong, please correct me) that part of the need for control is that you can control the speed of the relationship? Like if you're part of it as it's unfolding, you can somehow control what happens? Sorry to say this...you don't have control over that. I can completely empathize with you - I had the same mindset as you did not that long ago. And I'm also someone who thinks that I need to "know everything" and have a heads up. So instead of controlling everything that happens with my husband and his girlfriend, I opted to let go of that perceived sense of control and requested that my husband kept me updated on any changes in the relationship. It was a leap of faith on my part and took an incredible amount of trust in my husband that he'd keep me informed. He has, and we continue to have conversations (1/week, scheduled in advance) about how things are working out in our relationship as his relationship with his girlfriend progresses.

I am learning to talk first react second but that is really hard right now. I guess I have to learn to identify my needs.

Yup, that was a big learning curve for me. Being mono with my guy for over a decade gave me a sense of comfort and security. This was very shaken when he started dating his girlfriend. I realized that instead of taking those things for granted, I had to get better at identifying what I needed in the relationship. For instance, when he started dating his girlfriend, I felt like I wasn't as special to him as I used to be. His relationship with her was all shiny and new, and it was hard not to feel like I was somehow demoted (like I said, check out that poly hell article, it's wonderfully validating). So after sharing this with him, he and I started to work on ways to make me feel special again (e.g., date nights, spending quality time together). This might be a helpful checklist for you to start to identify what your needs are: http://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory.

I will take any kind of help I can get. It is still early in this polyship and I don't want to mess it up if I can help it. Knowing I am not alone helps tremendously thank you. He has done his research and knows exactly what he wants I am just learning the life so research is good. He says I deserve all the love I can get so he doesn't want it for just himself but both of us and I believe him. Now it's time for me to be open to the same possibility.

It is still early, so I hope you can give yourself some caring and understanding that this is hard. It can be very rocky in the beginning, but time really does help. You are definitely not alone. Since your husband seems to be knowledgeable in the poly lifestyle, he sounds like he'll be a good resource to you. Communication is key in all of this!