Keeping it a secret-- How long can that really work?

franchescasc

franchescasc

New member
I am in a good place right now with my relationships. Overcoming jealousy, head over heels in love, moving past communication barriers, being open and honest. But the biggest concern nagging me is the secrecy and hiding of my relationship (and FJ's, for that matter) with MD.

We live in a very small town, with lots on the line if people knew.
- FJ owns his own business, and the risk of Bible-thumping folks boycotting his shop is a real one.
- I fundraise for a local non-profit, and have to maintain a high profile socially. The risk of losing my job is real.
- MD knows everyone, as she grew up here.

The gossip would be terrible.

- MD's ex's mother is crazy, and could try to use our relationship as ammunition to take custody of MD's daughter.
- FJ's mother would die, and I could definitely see that we might have to limit her interactions with our children because she would be trying to evangelize them against our way of life. She is a hardcore evangelical Christian. Her answering machine's message starts with: "Did you know that Jesus Christ is your Lord and Savior?"

My concern is this: how can this relationship be sustainable if it has to remain a secret? I read about unicorn hunters and secondaries, and one of the biggest pitfalls seems to be having the secondary as a secret. FJ and I are obviously able to be recognized as a couple. MD shouldn't have to pretend she's single. Oddly enough, MD is the one who is most emphatic that we have to hide the relationship. She's mentioned telling her mother and brother, but no one else. I just can't see her being truly happy living like that. When I said, "We can't hide it from everyone forever," she just repeated, "We have to hide it."

Could I get some feedback from others who may have had to hide their poly love lives, for whatever reason? Did it eventually make you want to leave?

And for anyone who has been a secondary (I hate that word, btw), how does being a secret make you feel? We just stumbled into this amazing love very accidentally. But the last thing I want is to lose it or hurt anyone.

Also, has anyone felt like they should hide, but eventually changed their mind?

Ultimately, I can't live and love as a secret forever. If this is going to be a lasting relationship, something will have to change.
 
My spouse's other partner used to run a general store in a small conservative hick town and had to be careful of locals knowing too much about their relationship. That was nixed when they leased the store to some other folks, moved, and got a job that doesn't care what people do on their own time behind closed doors.

Not sure if that is of any use to you.
 
Who knows the future

I can see things changing about hiding if we all ultimately moved. Problem is, we have a business established, and 6 children betwen us to worry about uprooting. I just don't know when/if we could make such a big change.
 
franchescasc said:
I can see things changing about hiding if we all ultimately moved. Problem is, we have a business established, and 6 children betwen us to worry about uprooting. I just don't know when/if we could make such a big change.
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That's what i meant. Our situation doesn't have the same parameters as yours. "Don't like the neighbors? Move!" is easier said than done, especially if you own a property and cannot financially afford another home unless you sell the one you are currently living in.

(Most of the people I know don't have mountains of cash stacked up waiting to be spent on whatever seems like the next big idea.)

It is worth mentioning too, the OSO did not move because of their relationship. They leased and moved because they were tired of working 12 hours per day 7 days per week and breaking even.
 
Nut and I live in a very small conservative Christian town, have many children (19) between the two of us, and have a photography business.

We have had the same situation happen. Though Nut's gf lived about an hour away, she worked with him here in our town. So breakfasts and lunches together became a concern. We are less concerned about family (though I have an ex that threatened court if I came out as bisexual, not poly) our concern was the children in high school and how an "I saw your dad cheating on your mom" rumor would go over, and be forced to tell them we are poly in a way that would have to be rushed.

We talked to our kids who were in their 20s, and we started talking about polyamory out in the open to gauge the reactions of the others. No one has really said anything. The younger ones will be told on a need to know basis, due to the issues regarding court and custody threats.

Hiding is no fun at all. Worrying about the fallout of the rumor mill isn't either. I have no real solutions, as we face some of the same problems. But I offer hugs and sympathy. I understand what you are going through.
 
Nancy, are your and Jim's last name Duggar, by any chance? ;)
 
from an ex-seconday

franchescasc said:
For anyone who has been a secondary, how does being a secret make you feel?
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I can tell you that it feels really yucky after a while. The first couple of years it was exciting, but in the end, not so much. My ex-BF lives in a very small town and owns his own business. We live about 6 hours apart and I travel to his town on business. So, he'd sneak into my hotel room in the middle of the night for an hour or so, because he couldn't leave his truck parked for too long "because people would notice and ask questions." Not being able to go out in public for dinner, or even a round of golf together, pretty much sucked. The sex was great, but not great enough to make up for feeling like a dirty little secret. :rolleyes:

As you may notice, he is now my ex. We had other issues that came up that we couldn't overcome, so being secret was not what ended us. But I think it had a lot to do with the other issues.

I wish you luck and love.
 
nancyfore said:
No, it isn't Duggar, but I feel their pain at times.
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Yeah, I can imagine... Like every 9 or 10 months??? Give or take? Natural birth control, minus the control?

:eek:

ETA: I have that many cats, but they are all adopted. I have been spayed or neutered.
 
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Being a secret

I am a "secondary" also and do feel sad that it is a secret sometimes. In my situation, my boyfriend and his wife have 2 kids, and they have immediate family who would be very judgmental, so they prefer for them to not know (primarily her family). And there is concern about coming out affecting the kids, so we are only "out" to a very select few.

I admit, I would prefer if everything were out in the open sometimes--I don't like feeling like a "dirty little secret" either. I don't want to feel like this forever, but when one chooses this type of relationship style, there are certain things to consider before embarking, and certain sacrifices to be made, one of which is not being totally out to everyone. I just take it one day at a time, and we communicate honestly, since we are all new to polyamory.

Good luck to you.
 
franchescasc said:
For anyone who has been a secondary, how does being a secret make you feel?
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I am a secondary in a budding relationship (2 months) and we're not out. The other day my boyfriend and I were at Walmart shopping, when one of his OSO's friends saw us and quite loudly asked what he was doing on this side of town.

He stumbled.

I'm a fan of authenticity and living your life on your own terms. To me, if we are choosing to live like this, we should be able to do it out in the open.

We've had many conversations about what would happen if we were in the same place with overlapping friends.

For now, everything is cool. It's a delicate balance. However, I am not willing to live like this forever. Quite frankly, I don't think I could live like this for more than a year.

The only reason it is acceptable to me now is because we are still "dating," in my mind. We aren't committed. I'm not seeing anyone else, but I'm still feeling it out.

I should add that this is my first poly relationship, and that I prefer monogamy for myself.
 
BoringGuy said:
I can imagine... Like every 9 or 10 months? Give or take? Natural birth control, minus the control? :eek:
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lololol
3 are biologically his, 5 are biologically mine, the other 11 are foster and/or adopted, but we love them all the same. Everyone calls the others brothers and sisters.
 
I could cope with it when dating, but I could not do it in a committed relationship either. Being open is a fundamental need I have. To be honest, I have gone through the pain, hassle and stress about coming out to my family, so I don't see why any other independent adult should avoid it just because it will cause them stress and hassle.
 
nancyfore said:
3 are biologically his, 5 are biologically mine, the other 11 are foster and/or adopted, but we love them all the same. Everyone calls the others brothers and sisters.
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Do you have any of the two of you, yours, biological together?

That's great that you have so many foster-adopted ones. You must have a really big refrigerator and lots of bathrooms in your home. lol
 
I'm noticing a common trend in your posts, Francesca: the feeling of "Francesca knows best for others." I only point this out because you've professed to being "overly analytical and logical," and it's easy to attempt to dictate how others' should feel or think because you've thought it out, so it must be so for others, right? Believe me, that's a hard lesson to learn for us types.

In this post, you say that "You don't want to discard her feelings, but she is discarding her own." What makes you think you can make that judgment? The same thing applies with statements like:
I just can't see her being truly happy living like that.
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Not your call to make.

and

MD shouldn't have to pretend she's single.
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She doesn't "pretend." She's living it. She's made that decision, making and reaffirming that decision constantly, day by day, of her own accord, as a grown woman.

It baffles me that you list several compelling reasons why this relationship really ought to be kept under wraps (the least of which is that she has made her stance crystal clear on this regard), yet the entirety of the last part of your post asks about "What the secondary might feel" or "Did it eventually make you want to leave?" as if she knoweth not what she doth. Like you're confusing what she wants and what you know in-your-heart-of-hearts that she wants.

She made her decision. So now, you're the one with the decision to make in response. Be empathetic. Look at it from her point of view. Coming out as poly is a life-changer. You only met her a year ago, have been dating for what, five months? I get that you want the relationship to "last." I get that you don't want to "keep this a secret forever." (Emphasis mine.) Don't you think it's a little premature to have this conversation about being out to everyone?

Be the big girl; give yourselves time. If your communication is as open and wonderful as you say it is, and this is truly bothering you and ohmigod it needs to be addressed now, sit everyone down and say your piece. Then table the issue with a clear end date and the intent to revisit it again after everyone ruminates. You'll have made everyone aware of your stance. Then it's their turn to make their decisions. And the circle continues. If she wants to come around, she will. But she has to make that decision, not you.
 
Absolutely right

Thank you, Scissors! For real, this is the kind of feedback I'm looking for. I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

It is very important for me to remind myself that MD is here because she wants to be here. She did say today that she was happy-- she just hates hiding. I guess that's why I'm reading into that as meaning she couldn't possibly be happy long term if she already hates it. But maybe that's the sacrifice she's willing to make for the rest of this relationship that is good.

And yes, I want this to last. But no, I don't want to get ahead of myself. Time will tell.
 
BoringGuy said:
Do you have any of the two of you, yours, biological together?

That's great that you have so many foster-adopted ones. You must have a really big refrigerator and lots of bathrooms in your home.
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No, unfortunately, we do not have any together. I would love another baby, but the doctors say (and have said for years) that I can't get pregnant, and with my AMA (advanced maternal age) the chances are slim.

Most are grown and gone now. Only 6 are left in the house. The fridge is always being pilfered through by someone's little hands, and we have a "take a number" system in use for bathroom privileges.
 
My bf and I had this very same discussion last weekend. After almost 2 years, our relationship is real and meaningful (not just for the 2 of us, but for our whole quad), but we have no choice but to keep it a secret. Even a rumor of it could lose him his career.

We have many of the same friends and spend lots of time around each other's families. We're often out in public together. Because we are two married couples, people just assume we are best friends (which we are) and nothing more (couldn't be further from the truth). But keeping this secret, which is in reality an amazing, beautiful, meaningful relationship, really does feel crappy. It cheapens it somehow, and leaves me almost sad after spending time together around other people.

After our talk, for the rest of the weekend, my bf went out of his way to acknowledge me in little ways, even when other friends were around, and to find ways to let me know he was thinking of me, even if he couldn't touch me without raising suspicion. It helped some. It was sweet of him to do that. Still, what we have is incredible and I wish we could let others know about it. Maybe someday we could at least tell select family. We'll see.

I wish I had the answer for you. I don't. But I just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone.
 
When Wendigo and I first got together, our relationship was 100% in the closet, to the point where he (my best friend) was suddenly afraid to hug me in public after having done that for 2 years prior as my best friend. So funny to think about that now.

Anyway, we are in the closet 90% of the time due to my career (I signed a morality clause that wasn't all that specific about what was immoral), and due to him having a teenage son who was just starting to date when we got together, and I was also spending a lot of time miniature war gaming with his father, my husband.

Over the last four years, the need to be 100% in the closet has diminished. The people we spend the most time with know, and we still do things in the community as friends. We also car pool in the evenings, so his and Runic Wolf's work have no questions when I pick him up, if Runic Wolf is out sick, or if I bring both of them lunch. *shrugs*

I guess it depends on the person, but we don't mind it, as long as the quality of our interactions remains the same.
 
Hi Franchesca,

I am in a similar situation too, as I'm sure many poly people are. My BF and I are best friends, and we have been in a relationship for just over 4 months. We have not even allowed ourselves to be in the same room with people we know, because we are concerned they will pick up on our vibe. I would not have an issue with coming out to mutual friends, but BF's wife is not comfortable with people knowing about us and so we are maintaining a low profile for that reason. We usually meet in a town halfway between us, where we only know a handful of people, so there is minimal chance of being seen. But, there is always a chance.

I am also self-employed, and if I came out as poly in a really public way (like on Facebook or something) it could definitely affect my ability to get clients and support my family. So, there are some real-life reasons for being on the DL here.

Pair that with the fact that BF is also working for my family, caring for my grandfather who needs 24/7 homecare. If they were to find out about us, not only would it be a family scandal, he would lose his paying job. We generally choose to not be at the house together and maintain separate presences there.

That all being said, we are having lunch with two of our best friends from high school on Monday. Our first experiment with how obvious we are. 🧐
 
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